Bariatric Betty feels shame and pride

I'm coming up on my 6 month post-op visit in a couple days, but first I had my 9 year old son's annual check-up.  That was difficult.

My son has been struggling with his weight pretty much his whole life.  He is in the 99% for height for his age as well.  When he was 2 years old he had an incredible weight gain of 10 pounds in something like 3 months, and we requested a consult with a nutritionist after lab work ruled out thyroid problems and diabetes.  We kept a food log for a month and other than cutting out one serving of OJ a day (he used to have 2 because he didn't drink milk, so we got calcium added OJ), the nutritionist said we were doing a great job.  She wished that most of the kids she saw ate as healthy as him.

For the last 5 years we cut out juice altogether (unless it's a "treat" - like instead a bag of chips or dessert if we're eating out).  We've also paid close attention to serving sizes, making protein the priority, and helping him figure out if he is really hungry or just bored.

We've worked hard to keep him active; in addition to loving to ride his bike, play in the pool and on playgrounds, he's done over 4 years of karate and played community soccer for the last 3 years.  This summer we added baseball and the couch-2-5k training.  Last year his pediatrician said this was very important - that he's always going to be a big kid, but that we want to slow his weight gain as he grows and help him have a healthier lifestyle.  Our previous pediatrician (before me moved) had said the same thing, and had said that she would expect an average weight gain of 10 pounds or less a year for a kid like him.  I thought we did really well (especially since my surgery), and suspected he had gained less than 5 pounds in the past year.

First, the good news.  He only gained 4 pounds, so I was right about that.  But, I was wrong about how much he had grown.  I was just SURE he was 5 feet now, but it turns out that he's still under at 4 ft. 10 inches.  He only grew 1 3/4 inches this past year.  That's not a problem, because he's still the tallest kid in his grade!  What was a problem was that I was using the wrong number at home when I was calculating his BMI.  My using his incorrect height of 5 feet meant that he was overweight and had a decreasing BMI.  The correct height means that his BMI is 30.1, and he is officially obese. 

That crushed me.  My son is following in my footsteps in the last way I would want him to - to obesity.  After experiencing the joy of watching my own BMI drop from (morbidly obese) 43 to it's current (overweight) 27.8, seeing that he is just over the border into "obese" just about broke my heart.  I try to teach my kids so many good things, but he learned the lesson of overeating from me. 

His BMI is decreasing.  After I got home I realized I didn't know what his BMI was at his annual physical last year, so I calculated it.  31.2!  So in one year he has gone down 1.1 in BMI - a definite improvement.  And he's now on the border of obesity, instead of sitting solidly inside the category.  He's stretching out, can wear the same size as last year, and is definitely more active.  But that didn't stop that crushing feeling of shame; knowing I failed him by being the unhealthy role model I was for most of the first 9 years of his life. 

I am proud of the changes that I've made, and the ones I've helped my family make in the last 6 months.  I feed them healthier food, and we are all more active.  I know that he is absorbing the hard work he sees me doing, and listens to me talking about how much better I feel.  I feel that I have stopped the trend of increasing BMI and started to reverse it in him.  I knew he was overweight, and I had been trying to help him keep on the right path before I knew he was obese.  He didn't become obese at this visit, he became obese over a year ago, I just didn't know it.  Knowledge is power.  I didn't know how much I was hurting my body until I was diagnosed as a diabetic.  I didn't know I could live the rest of my life on a modified diet until I had to with diabetes, and the success I had in lowering my blood sugar gave me the confidence that I can change my life with the weight loss surgery and my new lifestyle.  I knew that even following the diabetic plan my life would be shorter and have a lower quality of life, and that meant the risks and sacrifices involved with weight loss surgery and living post-bariatric bypass were more than worth it. 


So now I will try to let go of the shame, and focus on the pride I have in the changes I have made in the last 6 months.  And the knowledge that he is almost NOT obese will be a great motivator to keep us all running, to keep me on my plan and be a good role model for him.  Because these are the lessons I want him to learn from me - that if you work hard, you can make good things happen.  You can be healthy, and find out that you're able to do things you've never done before.  The unimaginable becomes possible.

Bariatric Betty fights habit & head hunger, stands up for Wendy

Last night I realized that my eating has taken a turn for the worse.  Since I returned from my low-activity vacation I realized that my calorie intake when I'm high-activity has probably been a little low.  So, I've made an effort to make sure that at almost 5 months post op I'm hitting at least 1000 calories every day, some days 1100 - 1200.  That's fine.  What isn't fine is that I was getting in those extra 150 - 200 calories at night (around 8pm).  And that's falling back into a bad habit. 

Last night I had eaten well all day, even having an afternoon snack.  I had a healthy dinner, and then two hours later ate 1/2 cup of low-fat ricotta with truvia, torani sugar free vanilla syrup, and rasberries.  Not a bad choice if I needed a snack.  But I didn't need it.  I WANTED it.  And to reinforce that point, as I ate my last two bites my pouch decided to let me know that it was NOT HAPPY. 

I cuddled with my son and my dog and felt bad over my upset stomach while I realized what I had done.  I had a Quest protein bar for a snack at the pool in the afternoon, so I didn't need more protein or more calories.  I ate something because it tasted good and my head hunger tricked me. 

I announced to my husband and kids that I overate, and resolved to blog about as well for accountability.  Tonight I will not eat again after dinner.  Today will be a better day.

I also had a VERY interesting conversation with my sons this week.  They were watching an ad for Wendy's. OK, I just had to check to see if they have Wendy's in Canada/ outside the U.S. - and while they do have a few, for those of you who aren't familiar with it;  Wendy's is a fast food/ hamburger restaurant that was founded by a funny, persistant, and driven overweight man named Dave Thomas.  He named the restaurant after his young daughter, Wendy and made a picture of her in braids their logo.  Dave passed several years ago, and recently Wendy has started showing up in the newer ads.  Wendy is middle-aged now, and overweight.  So my boys were watching TV and saw an ad come on for Wendy's.  Their commentary went something like this:

"Wow, Wendy doesn't look like Wendy (the logo)"
"Wendy ate too much Wendy's"
"Wendy only looked like Wendy (the logo) before her dad named the restaurant after her"
"Wendy's (the person) Dad shouldn't have made unhealthy food at Wendy's (the restaurant)"
"Wendy has not done it, you know... she hasn't gone to the hospital to take care of it and so now she's stuck like that."

This last comment was from my 9 year old, referring to his belief that Wendy needs to get gastric bypass. 

This was all a little upsetting to me.  As a morbidly obese person, I was judged by others and heard harsh comments and jokes made about me.  My sons are both overweight, and although their activity level has increased and their BMI is going down, they have both had other kids tell them that they're "fat".  While I don't feel like they were trying to make a mean-spirited joke about Wendy's weight, I was very surprised that they would think that a stranger's weight was anything they should be passing judgement on, as well as the fact that my younger son apparently thinks that gastric bypass is a simple fix that anyone overweight should do. 

So I engaged them.  I started by asking them "Why do you think people are overweight?" (Ate too much food, ate unhealthy food, didn't exercise enough... fair enough answers) and then ended up explaining that while those are most of the reasons people become overweight, there are LOTS of reasons why people STAY overweight.  I reminded them that I needed to figure out that part of the reason I had been obese most of my adult life was because I felt safer that way because I thought I was less likely to be attacked (again). I finally realized that my weight wasn't protecting me at all, it was just hurting me.  Until people figure out why they are doing what they are doing, they will have a very hard time trying to change it.  We can not possibly know what anyone else's reasons are for being overweight, but we shouldn't assume that bariatric surgery will work for everyone, because it won't.   They weren't very comfortable during this discussion (neither was I) and I don't have a problem with that.  Because they were judging Wendy, and now that they got called on it, I hope they remember that discomfort the next time they think about judging someone else. 

Bariatric Betty says "What are we doing to our kids?"

Those of you who have read my blog before know that my children are a large part of the reason that I want to have this surgery.  I don't want them to grow up without a mom, or with a blind mom, or with a disabled mom if there is anything I can do to help it.  Being morbidly obese (actually now just "obese" with the pre-op diet) and diabetic means that those conditions are in my future - it's just a matter of when. 

It's also because I don't want my kids feeling like they have to defend or protect me.  When I hear that my kids have heard someone call me fat, or laugh at me, it breaks my heart.  It's never fun to be insulted or the butt of someone's joke.  But the big thing is that kids aren't supposed to defend and protect their parents - their suppposed to be protected and defended BY us. 

Then there's the fact that I want my children to be healthier than I am.  Having parents that always struggled with their weight and body issues, I want to be a good example.  I don't want to just say "go outside, play some basketball/ soccer/ run around.." - I want them to see me DOING that stuff.  To know that I will have the energy to join them and inspire them to be more active.  To see me eating healthy, and have healthy food for them to eat as well.  To know that a great way to have one-on-one time with me is to go biking, or swimming, etc. - not just cuddling up on the couch. 

My kids are overweight.  Not obese, but overweight.  One of them was in great shape until about 1 1/2 years ago, when we moved.  He is a black belt in Tai Kwon Do and was incredibly active.  No matter what he ate - he burned it off.  Now that he's just moderately active, it has started to accumulate.  My other son has always been heavy, in addition to have developmental delays and low tone.  We have always gotten them into community sports, and started taking them to the gym twice a week 5 months ago - and it's making a difference.  My husband has taken the brunt of that - he committed to getting them there no matter what - and it's rare that they miss a Tuesday or Thursday.  Their clothes fit differently, and the scale shows that they've leveled off.  Our pediatrician said that he would like them to be active and work on "stretching" their bodies out - getting taller without gaining much, not putting them on a diet.  But we have cut change their preference to graze to having defined snacks, and my personal battlefront has been serving size.  My 8 year old now knows serving sizes of many of his favorite snack foods.  He double checks the amount of Cheerios or pretzels he puts in a bowl with me.  He knows that he can have 5 crackers with his cheese.  It's still hard though - because there are times he just WHINES about wanting to eat more.  I usually don't give in.  He still gets treats - just not everyday, and when he does get them, they replace a snack.  That's important I think, because I want him to learn moderation.  I don't want him to end up like me. 

So this morning while I was working out I watched Toddlers & Tiaras.  It's easy to feel morally superior and snarky when you watch an editted "reality" show like that.  Usually when I watch it I cheer for the underdogs and girls who actually seem nice, and hope everyone else finds a good therapist some day.  Today, my heart hurt as I watched.  A big thrust of the episode was about the girls' weight.  As the pagent director put it "girls who aren't really pretty or are a little chubby should just find another hobby".  OK, I think all of the girls there should find another hobby, and a small percentage actually enjoy what they're doing, but it was the overall message she was giving that blew me away. 

The girls she was talking about were under 10.  Most were 4-7.  Choosing a girl as "most beautiful" from a group is one issue.  Telling girls that young that they are not pretty enough or too heavy to even be IN the competition appalls me.  Most of the pagent directors in other episodes talk about "building up girls' self  confidence" and "being proud of yourself".  This director from Arkansas held up no such illusion.  "These girls should look like Barbie". 

If I was a reporter, I would now insert several links to studies that show how young girls body images are damaged by dolls like Barbie, or reference other articles about how a woman actually built "like Barbie" would be incredibly unhealthy, almost grotesque to look at, or at women who have had dozens of plastic surgeries to approximate that "Barbie" look.  But I'm just an opinionated mom, not a reporter, and you can look those things up if you haven't heard of them.  And I think that if I had a girl I would let her have Barbies, I would just also make sure to point out how weird their proportions are, and make sure she had other dolls as well. 

Perhaps even harder was listening to moms who put their daughters on diets.  At 5 and 7 years old.  These children were not overweight, let alone obese, but they were going to "eat lots of salads" so they would look better in their beautywear.  One mom who was hyper about it, ended up having her daughter's beautywear dress be TOO LOOSE because she had lost more weight than she thought.  Think about that.  A 7 year old who probably weighed 60-70 pounds to start lost about 10 pounds to prepare for a pagent.  And then the judges ended up deducting points because her dress was too loose.  Or the 10 year old girl who won the Ultimate Grand Supreme (translation: the biggest prize) who stood in front of a mirror, probably weighing 65 pounds in this beautiful dress and said to herself "This dress makes me look big". 

The United States has a big problem with obesity.  And the kids are starting to catch up with the grown-ups.  The government just finally changed the school lunch programs to say our kids have to be offered a fruit AND a vegetable at each meal.  However, they also caved to lobbyists and said that pizza can continue to be counted as a vegetable.  Read that last line again, I'll wait.

I heard about a contest that Disney is running where you submit pictures to show changes your family is making to try to improve their health.  LOVE IT.  Way to go, Disney!  The grand prize winners get all expense paid trips for 4 to their new Hawaiian resort.  I told my kids that I'm bringing my camera to the gym tonight to take pictures to show how well they're doing and submit it for the contest.  I'm telling you about it because I would love for everybody in the world to know about it.  Tell your friends, tell your neighbors.  Because even if it increases the number of entries ten fold and decreases our chances of winning, it increases our children's chance at healthy lives.  And they deserve that.