Hello darkness, my old friend... and heading back to the light

It's been a few months since I blogged, and for all the new WLS friends out there, when I go radio silent that usually means I'm struggling.  At 2 1/2 years post-op and having surpassed my goal, I'm dealing with some weight regain.  6 pounds from my set-point, 9 pounds from my all-time low.

How did that happen?  I stopped jogging, maybe only doing it once a month.  Still getting in lots of steps, but doing less cardio has a consequence. I started grazing - mostly eating things I shouldn't (carbs) or don't need to (peanut butter), and mostly when I'm preparing food for others, but not always.

Why?  Stress and old habits.  There have been lots of stressors - but we all have them, and mine weren't particularly horrible (nobody died, nobody lost their job, my husband is very lovable).  I came off my 5 day pouch test feeling great, and that lasted a couple of weeks.  Then we had the stress of my father-in-law's health declining some more and the resulting anxiety that brought upon my husband.  And getting my son prepared for some very difficult testing - in that last month I baked like a fiend to reduce my stress, but instead of giving it all away I nibbled at some of it (just in small enough doses not to dump, like any addict learns to avoid the crash).   The testing went well, and all of the stress was worth it, BTW, but I HAVE to remember I have other coping mechanisms I should use.

Then I started looking into a new direction for myself - a new career, starting with a Master's program in School Counseling.  It's very exciting, and it set off a roller coaster of emotions.  The principal and guidance counselor I work with think it's a great idea and will write recommendations for me - Whee!  Up I go... Finding out my undergrad GPA was even lower than I remembered - crap.  Taking a practice GRE was painful but assured me that I could meet the requirements with room to spare - yay!  Realizing that the idea of my going back to school part-time was freaking out my husband and increasing his anxiety and depression - ouch.  Talking that through with him over our anniversary and having that reverse into his full (albeit still typically anxious) support - whew.  Realizing I could take the 1 hour MAT instead of the 4 1/2 hour GRE was good, and then when I took it and got stellar results was WONDERFUL.  Now my applications are turned in, and I'm just waiting - for the recommendations to get turned in, the transcripts to arrive, and the decisions to get made at the two different programs... and waiting is hard. I'm settling in for about 2 months of it.

Last week I started with the mental tweaking.  I changed my Facebook profile pic to the one of me about to do the triathalon I did in March.  I needed the daily reminder of what I can accomplish.  I reconnected with some old friends that I haven't visited in a while.

The last two days I have been making better choices.  I've eaten clean, surpassed my step goal, and yesterday I jogged 25 minutes and felt good.  I've reminded myself that I can manage my stress in healthy ways now.  Now I just have to re-establish the habit.  The scale hasn't started moving back down yet, but it will.  And when I'm thinking about baking, I'm back to asking myself - are you wanting to bake for a good reason, or because you want to eat the cookie dough?

I also found a new fun way to enjoy my jogging (especially good when our weather has been so stormy).  I've been taking my Kindle Fire to the gym and setting it up on the treadmill so I can watch movies/ shows while I work out and my kids play.  It's a great distraction, and yesterday I was actually looking forward to it so I could finish the movie I started the other day.  Anything that works, baby.

I'm feeling like I'm training for a race, but unlike my 5ks or triathalons, this one is the ultra-marathon of life.  I need to build up my endurance, because there is always stuff to endure.  Starting something new is exciting, but the challenges will come and I have to be strong enough to meet them.  To prepare myself physically and mentally.  To know when to ask for help and support.  To keep my priorities in order.

The journey goes on, one step and one day at a time.  It's easier on days I get a good sleep.  And more fun some days than others.  But I have the tools, and I can do this for the rest of my life.  We stumble, we fall down, but we pick ourselves up and get back up stronger and wiser.  All the other WLS vets out there - if you are struggling you are not alone.  If you are doing well - share!  We could all use reminders of success for inspiration.  

New swimsuit Pic, and could Bariatric Betty be losing more??? Obsessing about weight.

I may be losing more weight, at 17 months post-op.  It is boggling my mind.  For the last 8 months my weight has been stable for the most part.  I went well past my goal and hit a one day low of 140.6 (my goal was to be in the 150s, and dream weight was to be in the 140s).  My weight then seemed to stabilize at 142 and except for my flirtation with some compulsive popcorn consumption adding 5 pounds temporarily, it has stayed there.  A couple days after I stopped eating popcorn and I was already back down to 145.  Another month later and I was down to 143.  Last month I was back to 142 and happy, lesson learned.

I usually weigh myself daily knowing that fluctuations happen, and not taking the number to seriously.  I can be up to 144 pounds depending on how much salt and carbs I have had in the past day, as well as where I am in my cycle.  One of the funniest things I have found is that the day before my cycle, I actually drop 1 to 2 pounds for a period of a day or two.  And all these years I thought I gained weight when I was PMS-ing!  So last week I had already had my PMS drop and seen 141 pounds.  Then my cycle started and I was back to 142.  A couple days later, and I was 140.6 - Hey, long time no see!  Weird, this would not be when I would expect to see my all-time low again.  Imagine my surprise on Friday when I weighed myself and saw 140.4!

OK, I know this is silly, it's 0.2 pounds lower than my previous low.  And the numbers shouldn't have such a big impact on me.  There is a lot of fluctuation and I wouldn't be mad for going up 0.2 pounds, so why did it cause this illogical feeling of glee that I had a new low??? 

I weighed myself several times and got the same reading.  Then I checked my body composition meter, and it has stayed stable.  I haven't been running much with the heat, more walking and swimming, so I thought maybe I had lost muscle.  But if my body fat percentage is about the same, then if I lost muscle I also lost some fat.  Hmmmm. 

Then I thought about the last couple months.  Other than cutting out the popcorn I have decreased my intake a little because of the decrease in running/ burning calories.  Maybe my body isn't at it's new set-point?  Maybe there is room for some more loss?  I don't know.  My doctors say I'm at a healthy weight, I feel healthy and happy.  I don't need to lose any more weight.  On the other hand, I am at the top of the healthy range, so it wouldn't hurt me if I lost a bit more. 

Meanwhile, my new bathing suit came I from Lands End.  I tried ordering tankini seperates to help with the fact that my lower half is a very different size that my upper half.  The lower half is a high-waisted control top skirt, so it smooths out some of the folds and flaps nicely.  If you are self conscious about your middle, I highly recommend it.  The top is their D-cup underwire, which actually contains the girls, saggy and prone to floating as they are.  Again, recommended by me for endowed post-ops.  Here's the pic.

 

 

 

In comparison, here is a picture of me pre-op in a bathing suit (25 pounds already lost) and then about 9 months post op, already pretty close to my goal (but maybe not final) weight. 

Now it's a couple of days later and I'm hovering around 140.6 - 141.0.  So, what does this all mean?  It means that maybe I shouldn't just worry about not gaining.  It means that maybe I will lose more, and I should be open to that.  Either way, I'm going to keep working my program, following the rules.  1) No drinking with meals or for one hour after.  2) Eat protein first, trying to get in 20 grams at each meal.  3) No liquid calories (alcohol, milk, ice cream, soup, etc.) and 4) Eat meals within 20 minutes, no grazing and only eat until I'm full. 

Where am I headed?  Forward, never back.  I have bad days, I give in to old habits occasionally.  I am not perfect and never will be.  I commit to staying healthy, to making the best choices I can.  It requires a lot of time and energy to keep my new lifestyle, but it is worth it.  To all my friends and family who support me and my unusual needs - I thank you.  I couldn't do this without you.  To all the WLS friends out there who read my blog, we're in this together.  You inspire me. 

Bariatric Betty Breaks down a bit, plus a new pic

I saw my primary care physician for the first time since surgery this week.  She was thrilled with my success and there were a lot of fun "Oh my goodness, I almost don't recognize you!" compliments.  She asked a lot of questions and was thrilled with my exercise routine.  She also seemed surprisingly knowledgeable about blood tests that need to be watched.  But, there were some not fun things as well. 

If you remember my birthday post, I talked about how my birthday was wonderful with the exception of some poison ivy on my face and neck.  I ended up getting both an injection of steroids and later being put on an oral dose pack as well.  About halfway through the itchy mess of that, I noticed a sore itchiness around my waist on my right side.  At first I assumed that I had spread the poison ivy there in my sleep.  Later as it spread around my back, I began to think it might be something different.  It felt uncomfortable for fabric to touch it, and it wasn't as itchy as the poison ivy.  I rubbed some topical cortizone cream on it a couple of times a day.  I started wondering if I was experiencing the skin infections/ rashes that some WLS patients get under the folds of their skin.  My rash seemed to be on top and under the flap of skin, but I thought I would get my primary care physician's opinion.  I haven't thought I would want plastic surgery unless there was a medical necessity.  On the other hand, if my skin was going to itch and sting like this off and on for the rest of my life - that might push me towards it, and I better start getting it documented.

So as I described it, she said she would take a look - we were doing my annual exam, so she was going to be looking at everything anyway.  It only took her a couple seconds of looking for her to inform me that it was not poison ivy.  It was shingles!  In a lucky coincidence, I erupted into shingles while I was being treated for poison ivy, so all the steroids I was taking for the later helped the shingles not be so horrible.    What a strange silver lining!

Next she felt my hips - I had told her about sleeping on my stomach with a pillow under my abdomen to alleviate discomfort from my hip bones on my skin.  She felt them and said "Oh my, you are bony there!"  Bony?  Never in my life would I ever dream I would be called bony ANYWHERE.  But one thing you learn about major weight loss is that you don't lose it evenly, and certainly not in any order of preference of location.  Then she felt my left hip where I have been feeling some pain especially when I'm walking/ jogging and announced that I have some bursitis.  She would have prescribed anti-inflammatories, but knew I can't take them as a WLS patient.  She said if the tylenol stops working, she can prescribe injections of anti-inflammatories, which I can take. They also suggest you stop the repetitive motion that is aggravating the bursa and causing it to be inflamed.  Yeah.  Well, I can't stop walking, and I don't want to stop jogging.  For now the tylenol works fine.  But there might come a time when I will need to change my exercise routine because of it.  Isn't bursitis like an old-person-thing?  I guess it goes with my old-person-loose-skin now.

Last borders on TMI, but she also found that the unusual pressure I have been feeling at times is due to a rectocele.  A rectocele is kind of a hernia of the colon.  In my case it isn't causing actually pain, and returns to it's proper position when there's no straining involved.  She said that there's no risk to my health involved right now but that if the pain or retraction changes we'll have to look into surgery.  Apparently obesity is a big risk factor in rectoceles.  I suspect I might have had it for a while but didn't notice it until my diet changed into 90% protein and therefore made me more prone to constipation.  So I will continue to work on packing fiber in. 

Two weeks into my new workout program results... my dog and I can both now jog North/South Roundhead circle. That means that except for a 5 minute warm up walk and 5 minute cool down walk, we are now jogging his entire walk! Boy, that was quicker that I imagined it would be. There are several advantages to this. First and foremost, I get his walk done in 25 minutes instead of 45. Extra time is a serious advantage. Second, it kicks up my exercise a notch, increasing the intensity and calories burned. I'm still not loving jogging itself, but I'm enjoying the benefits.

I'm doing the alternating walking/ jogging with my son three evenings a week, so on those days I'm just walking Perseus in the morning. Then I'm walking during my monitor shift. Last Thursday I got over 20,000 steps in a day according to my Fitbit! Even cooler, I found out that since I got it on Mother's Day I have walked over 1,000,000 steps. One million.  How wild is that???

Then there is the mental part of my work-in-progress life.  Last weekend I had a scary reminder of how easy it is to get off track.  We were holding a sleepover and I went to go make the traditional post-no-sleep-over breakfast of pancakes.  Out of Heart Healthy Bisquick.  So I got out my cookbook and made some batter from scratch, but it didn't look or cook right.  I tasted it, and realized I had forgotten to put in the melted butter.  Remixed it and tasted it again -ahhh, much better.  I made the pancakes but found myself wiping off the batter drippings with my finger (and then licking the finger).  Yum.  Uh oh.  I love to bake, and have been very good since surgery not to eat anything I bake (which has been pretty easy).  However, for some reason I have always liked the unbaked stuff (cookie dough, batter, etc.) as much or more.  Here I let down my guard and find myself slipping into old habits.  No no no no!  It's a reminder that I need to be vigilant.  I probably tasted less than a tablespoon of batter, so I didn't dump.  I did, however, crave carbs more than usual for the next couple of days.  This weekend we had another sleepover, another pancake breakfast, and I was careful not to let one drop of batter reach my lips. 

I also caught myself chain eating salted cashews when they are left out on the table.  Cashews aren't a bad snack if I haven't gotten all my protein in - but when you find yourself taking three or four nuts every time you pass the table you aren't eating to live.  You're grazing.  Away go the cashews.  Out of site, out of mind.

All of this leads up to my losing it over some innocent choices my husband made for my son and officially inducts me into the food-nazi society, I guess.  After a tough football game that my son played in a soaking rain, my family split up for the trip home.  My husband got my football-player son a bottle of "Gatorade: Recovery".  And a bottle of regular gatorade.  I found out about the first on the phone and was like "Why??? It's only 10am?  He had 20grams of protein at breakfast, he doesn't need the 16 grams of protein now when he's going to come home and eat lunch (and more protein) in one hour!  And it has a lot of sugar, too.  He doesn't need that.  He's going to get high blood sugar and then crash as the insulin kicks in and feel horrible."  The when they got home I saw a second bottle of regular gatorade being consumed on top of the first one and just took it from him and threw it out.  "Did you know that the American Academy of Pediatrics recently said that NO STUDENT ATHLETES WILL BENEFIT FROM SPORTS DRINKS?  That basically it's like giving them sugar water or pop.  The only gatorade they should get is the low cal one, and even then it's unnecessary.  Water is best.  If they want to drink one of these for treat - like instead of an Icee, that's OK, but this is not helping him!"  Add in that they stopped at GameStop on the way home so he could blow his allowance when his brother also wanted to go there, and I was beyond irritable. 

It didn't help that I was tired, having to get up at 6am on Saturday to get him to the pre-game warm-up and meeting.  Or that I hadn't gotten my usual morning walk/ jog in with the resulting endorphins.  But I think mostly it was feeling overwhelmed.  Pushing myself to keep up with my exercise, work, finding out about the shingles/ bursitis/ rectocele, and the normal daily struggling with the kids about homework/ cleaning up/ etc.  I just lost it.  My poor husband. 

So the last couple weeks have been a little shaky, but I'm leaving them behind and climbing back out of that place.  I went to a baby shower yesterday at a beautiful restaurant and drank water through the whole thing.  I really enjoyed seeing a lot of extended family, and really liked most of the compliments I got as well.  The only exception being the one surprised "You look really pretty!" that was then amended to "Oh, not that you weren't pretty before."  Yeah, it's OK, I understand.  And the spirit it was intended in was nice, and they're right I do look a lot better.  I did have to spend about 15 minutes explaining why Visalus would NOT be a good choice post bariatric surgery.  Does anyone else feel like that's a pyramid scheme?  Oi vey.  Anyway, it was fun for the most part, and I brought the take-home goodies back for my boys.  Here's a picture.

 

Bariatric Betty fights habit & head hunger, stands up for Wendy

Last night I realized that my eating has taken a turn for the worse.  Since I returned from my low-activity vacation I realized that my calorie intake when I'm high-activity has probably been a little low.  So, I've made an effort to make sure that at almost 5 months post op I'm hitting at least 1000 calories every day, some days 1100 - 1200.  That's fine.  What isn't fine is that I was getting in those extra 150 - 200 calories at night (around 8pm).  And that's falling back into a bad habit. 

Last night I had eaten well all day, even having an afternoon snack.  I had a healthy dinner, and then two hours later ate 1/2 cup of low-fat ricotta with truvia, torani sugar free vanilla syrup, and rasberries.  Not a bad choice if I needed a snack.  But I didn't need it.  I WANTED it.  And to reinforce that point, as I ate my last two bites my pouch decided to let me know that it was NOT HAPPY. 

I cuddled with my son and my dog and felt bad over my upset stomach while I realized what I had done.  I had a Quest protein bar for a snack at the pool in the afternoon, so I didn't need more protein or more calories.  I ate something because it tasted good and my head hunger tricked me. 

I announced to my husband and kids that I overate, and resolved to blog about as well for accountability.  Tonight I will not eat again after dinner.  Today will be a better day.

I also had a VERY interesting conversation with my sons this week.  They were watching an ad for Wendy's. OK, I just had to check to see if they have Wendy's in Canada/ outside the U.S. - and while they do have a few, for those of you who aren't familiar with it;  Wendy's is a fast food/ hamburger restaurant that was founded by a funny, persistant, and driven overweight man named Dave Thomas.  He named the restaurant after his young daughter, Wendy and made a picture of her in braids their logo.  Dave passed several years ago, and recently Wendy has started showing up in the newer ads.  Wendy is middle-aged now, and overweight.  So my boys were watching TV and saw an ad come on for Wendy's.  Their commentary went something like this:

"Wow, Wendy doesn't look like Wendy (the logo)"
"Wendy ate too much Wendy's"
"Wendy only looked like Wendy (the logo) before her dad named the restaurant after her"
"Wendy's (the person) Dad shouldn't have made unhealthy food at Wendy's (the restaurant)"
"Wendy has not done it, you know... she hasn't gone to the hospital to take care of it and so now she's stuck like that."

This last comment was from my 9 year old, referring to his belief that Wendy needs to get gastric bypass. 

This was all a little upsetting to me.  As a morbidly obese person, I was judged by others and heard harsh comments and jokes made about me.  My sons are both overweight, and although their activity level has increased and their BMI is going down, they have both had other kids tell them that they're "fat".  While I don't feel like they were trying to make a mean-spirited joke about Wendy's weight, I was very surprised that they would think that a stranger's weight was anything they should be passing judgement on, as well as the fact that my younger son apparently thinks that gastric bypass is a simple fix that anyone overweight should do. 

So I engaged them.  I started by asking them "Why do you think people are overweight?" (Ate too much food, ate unhealthy food, didn't exercise enough... fair enough answers) and then ended up explaining that while those are most of the reasons people become overweight, there are LOTS of reasons why people STAY overweight.  I reminded them that I needed to figure out that part of the reason I had been obese most of my adult life was because I felt safer that way because I thought I was less likely to be attacked (again). I finally realized that my weight wasn't protecting me at all, it was just hurting me.  Until people figure out why they are doing what they are doing, they will have a very hard time trying to change it.  We can not possibly know what anyone else's reasons are for being overweight, but we shouldn't assume that bariatric surgery will work for everyone, because it won't.   They weren't very comfortable during this discussion (neither was I) and I don't have a problem with that.  Because they were judging Wendy, and now that they got called on it, I hope they remember that discomfort the next time they think about judging someone else.