New swimsuit Pic, and could Bariatric Betty be losing more??? Obsessing about weight.

I may be losing more weight, at 17 months post-op.  It is boggling my mind.  For the last 8 months my weight has been stable for the most part.  I went well past my goal and hit a one day low of 140.6 (my goal was to be in the 150s, and dream weight was to be in the 140s).  My weight then seemed to stabilize at 142 and except for my flirtation with some compulsive popcorn consumption adding 5 pounds temporarily, it has stayed there.  A couple days after I stopped eating popcorn and I was already back down to 145.  Another month later and I was down to 143.  Last month I was back to 142 and happy, lesson learned.

I usually weigh myself daily knowing that fluctuations happen, and not taking the number to seriously.  I can be up to 144 pounds depending on how much salt and carbs I have had in the past day, as well as where I am in my cycle.  One of the funniest things I have found is that the day before my cycle, I actually drop 1 to 2 pounds for a period of a day or two.  And all these years I thought I gained weight when I was PMS-ing!  So last week I had already had my PMS drop and seen 141 pounds.  Then my cycle started and I was back to 142.  A couple days later, and I was 140.6 - Hey, long time no see!  Weird, this would not be when I would expect to see my all-time low again.  Imagine my surprise on Friday when I weighed myself and saw 140.4!

OK, I know this is silly, it's 0.2 pounds lower than my previous low.  And the numbers shouldn't have such a big impact on me.  There is a lot of fluctuation and I wouldn't be mad for going up 0.2 pounds, so why did it cause this illogical feeling of glee that I had a new low??? 

I weighed myself several times and got the same reading.  Then I checked my body composition meter, and it has stayed stable.  I haven't been running much with the heat, more walking and swimming, so I thought maybe I had lost muscle.  But if my body fat percentage is about the same, then if I lost muscle I also lost some fat.  Hmmmm. 

Then I thought about the last couple months.  Other than cutting out the popcorn I have decreased my intake a little because of the decrease in running/ burning calories.  Maybe my body isn't at it's new set-point?  Maybe there is room for some more loss?  I don't know.  My doctors say I'm at a healthy weight, I feel healthy and happy.  I don't need to lose any more weight.  On the other hand, I am at the top of the healthy range, so it wouldn't hurt me if I lost a bit more. 

Meanwhile, my new bathing suit came I from Lands End.  I tried ordering tankini seperates to help with the fact that my lower half is a very different size that my upper half.  The lower half is a high-waisted control top skirt, so it smooths out some of the folds and flaps nicely.  If you are self conscious about your middle, I highly recommend it.  The top is their D-cup underwire, which actually contains the girls, saggy and prone to floating as they are.  Again, recommended by me for endowed post-ops.  Here's the pic.

 

 

 

In comparison, here is a picture of me pre-op in a bathing suit (25 pounds already lost) and then about 9 months post op, already pretty close to my goal (but maybe not final) weight. 

Now it's a couple of days later and I'm hovering around 140.6 - 141.0.  So, what does this all mean?  It means that maybe I shouldn't just worry about not gaining.  It means that maybe I will lose more, and I should be open to that.  Either way, I'm going to keep working my program, following the rules.  1) No drinking with meals or for one hour after.  2) Eat protein first, trying to get in 20 grams at each meal.  3) No liquid calories (alcohol, milk, ice cream, soup, etc.) and 4) Eat meals within 20 minutes, no grazing and only eat until I'm full. 

Where am I headed?  Forward, never back.  I have bad days, I give in to old habits occasionally.  I am not perfect and never will be.  I commit to staying healthy, to making the best choices I can.  It requires a lot of time and energy to keep my new lifestyle, but it is worth it.  To all my friends and family who support me and my unusual needs - I thank you.  I couldn't do this without you.  To all the WLS friends out there who read my blog, we're in this together.  You inspire me. 

Bariatric Betty Faces the Inevitable

So I knew this time would come - the Stall.  When anyone loses weight, they go through periods of time when they don't see much progress.  The first couple weeks/ months are usually full of rewards like watching the numbers on the scale go down steadily, fitting into new sizes of clothes.  It's great!  But at some point your body say "Hold on, let me adjust." and your numbers stop going down. 

In the past, this was very hard for me.  I would be following the plan, eating healthy, working out, and want to see results.  One way to get out of a stall is to eat less, another is to workout more.  When I was a teenager I did both those things repeatedly until I wasn't eating for days and started passing out.  Not good.

In my adult life I have understood that stalls happen, and yes - you can shake up your exercise routine and sometimes it will start the losing again.  But once you're on a healthy low calorie diet, eating less will not help weight loss, it will start a process where you body will go into starvation mode and hold onto weight in an effort to "save" you.  And if you increase your exercise, you have to be prepared to keep the same level of exercise.  So when I was on weight watchers and started biking 5-6 miles a day it helped me earn points and lose more weight - but when I couldn't bike that much any more I gained it back - because my body adjusted to mega exercise and when I went down to just being active the weight stopped coming off, and eventually started to come back on.

Imagine swearing off your favorite foods, working out over an hour a day, eating less and feeling hungry most of time, and then the weight stopped coming off and you were STILL OBESE.  Still not fitting into regular sizes and still getting the looks and comments from rude people who thought you were lazy and lacked self control, and still having major health issues.  After months of dieting - 6 months, 9 months, a year.  Still being obese.  After a while, you start thinking "Why am I doing this if I'm still going to be obese???"

So here is the change - I have hit a stall, and been warned it can last weeks to months, but this time, I am already NOT OBESE.  I am already NOT DIABETIC.   I already have a lot more energy and abilities - thanks to the surgery I was able to change enough things before this stall to be prepared to stick it out.  I already know it's worth it, even if I don't lose another pound.  But I do want to lose more!

I also prepared for this in another way - I have been measuring my body to see the changes in inches as well as pounds, and monitoring my body fat percentage.  I have not lost weight and my body measurements haven't changed for almost two weeks, but my body fat percentage has gone down 1.2%!  That means that I lost over 2 pounds of fat and gained that much muscle.  So I am making progress, this isn't a stopping point, it just means my progress isn't as easily measured or observed.


I am also continuing to up my physical fitness with the couch25k program.  Yesterday we started Week 3, where we doubled the longest time we had jogged so far.  I have to say, I really like this program and would encourage other non-runners to try it.  You can find it at www.coolrunning.com.   I keep waiting to get to a point where I say "Oh my gosh, this is too much!" but it really keeps you progressing at a good pace.  Was I tired after the longer runs?  Yes.  Was I happy to see the time was up and slow down to a walk - you bet.  But I'm not scared of doing it again tomorrow.  My boys are continuing to do really well on it, too.  My older son finally got sweaty yesterday at week 3 - yay, we caught up with his physical fitness level!  My younger son handled the bump up yesterday incredibly well.  He doesn't want to talk about how well he's doing while we're doing it, but at the end he says "it wasn't that bad".  For him and running - that's high praise. 

Bariatric Betty Apologizes and has big news!

First, as all of my readers have no doubt noticed, I have monetized my blog with AdSense.  This is an experiment that may not continue.  I was very upset to see ads for some oral substance that is being advertised as a substitute for gastric bypass on my page.  I have gone into my ad settings to block pharmaceuticals/ medicine ads (as well as some other objectionable things) and hope that I can get it blocked on my page.  I do not want my blog to serve to advertise any FDA approved medicines, let alone NON-FDA approved ones.  Meanwhile, if you see something objectionable popping up on my blog's ads, please let me know so I can continue to tweak the controls.  I was hoping for ads for things like workout equipment, clothing, etc.  I apologize for this sorting-things-out period.  If it proves too difficult to restrict the types of ads on here, I will drop the AdSense stuff altogether.

Now, on to other news.  DRUM ROLL PLEASE......

Bariatric Betty is no longer obese!  I have hit a new goal; having a BMI below 30 - and now fall into the "overweight" category instead of "obese" (or previously "morbidly obese").  I have lost 77 pounds total (47 since surgery) and I am hoping to lose another 20 - 30 pounds.  Right now I have lost what my surgeon determined to be 52% of my excess body weight since the day of surgery.  I will NOT be going down to 123 pounds (ideal weight based on those same calculations) - neither my surgeon or I think that would be reasonable to aim for.  My goal is to get to between 140 - 150 pounds and stay there.  That will put me into a BMI between 25 and 26, which is still officially overweight.  Given the muscle gain I anticipate, my extra skin, and my build, I think that is actually a healthy weight and is one that my doctors think would be great as well. 

This brings up another tool I have started to use.  A body fat loss monitor.  As I become more muscular I wanted to have additional things (other than a scale) to give me empirical measurements to measure my progress.  I have been using a tape measure to track changes in my size, but wanted something else.  So I got a monitor that had good reviews and have begun measuring myself.  Right now I am on the "normal setting" instead of "athlete" (although that will be changing) and my body fat percentage is 36.2%.  For my age and sex they suggest normal is 24-33.9.  So my next goal will be to reduce my body fat percentage to 33.9 or less!

One of the ways I am working to achieve this is by starting Couch to 5K training (see www.couch25k.com  ).  I was very nervous about this - never having been able to run before.  I have bad knees that have "popped out" several times in my teens resulting in knee braces and long periods on crutches.  However, my leg muscles are super strong after all the walking I've been doing, so when I heard about other non-runner WLS patients trying this program I thought I would give it a shot.  My job as a monitor at my son's elementary school was great exercise, adding 5000 steps a day to my totals on average.  Now I am unemployed over the summer and needed to find a replacement for all that 2 hours of walking M-F.  Also, I wanted my kids to be more active and thought "How cool would it be to be able to jog a 5K race as a family?"  So last Friday my boys and I started the 3 times a week training.  So far it has consisted of 5 minutes of brisk walking followed by alternating 60 seconds of jogging and 90 seconds of walking for the next 20 minutes.  I was pleasantly surprised to find that this was not hard for me.  I don't even start to sweat for the first 10 minutes of jog/ walk alternating.  Of course, I'm not jogging FAST - that hurts my knees.  My jog is probably about 4 mph (hmmm, I should check that on a treadmill) with my feet staying close to the ground to minimize impact. 

The first day was difficult emotionally because my 9 year old son was throwing a tantrum almost the entire time.  He doesn't enjoy most changes to his routine.  Add hot weather and flying bugs buzzing around his head (a major fear of his) and he was in tears for about half the training, but he also found out that I meant business - we ARE going to do this.  A little carrot-and-stick later, yesterday we did the 2nd training day (inside on a track at our rec center - a/c and no bugs!) and he came through like a champ.  My 11 year old son is totally on board and enjoying himself.  The program is 9 weeks long (although it will take us 10 weeks because of a upcoming vacation to Colonial Williamsburg) and then we should be able to jog a 5K!  I'm aiming for a Komen Race for the Cure in September in Cleveland, but might do something else if I can find one sooner. 

We've also been going to the pool and local waterpark a lot.  That brought up a need - a swimsuit that fit!  I tried ordering a size 16 petite that I hoped would work, but my bottom half is so much smaller that the suit was flopping around and providing WAY to much of a view of my nether-regions.  I ended up spending over an hour trying on various Land's End tankini combinations and found that my correct size was an 18 top with a size 10 bottom.  Yeah, it's kind of obnoxious.  I know most women are not perfectly proportional, but for the guys out there, imagine if one of your legs was only 1/2 - 2/3 the size of the other and then trying to find jeans that fit.  This was something I didn't deal with as much when I was larger - my waist was much bigger and I looked more proportional (although obese and unhealthy).  But this is how I was created, so as long as I don't get plastic surgery I have left the land of one piece swimsuits for good.  :( 

This is a good time to remind myself that losing weight doesn't bring the body you want - it brings the body you have been given.  It's up to you to make peace with that body and accept it.  I will embrace any body that allows me to live longer and be healthy & active with my family. 

Bariatric Betty 99 days post op; Joy, Pride, and Fitbit!

I went to my 3 month post-op visit this week and got great news!  Since my operation I have lost 40 pounds, which is 46% of my excess weight on the day of surgery. 70 pounds since the beginning of my blog.  The doctor was thrilled and called me a "model patient".  I felt like my teacher just gave me a big gold star, and couldn't stop smiling all day - even when my labs where being drawn.  I also enjoyed wearing my new size 12 shorts that day. 

I got a Fitbit this month, kind of a pedometer on steroids.  It not only tracks steps taken and distance traveled, but flights of stairs climbed, calories burned based on your profile, and has a motivating graphic of a flower that grows taller the more active you have been in the past 3 hours.  I have been LOVING my Fitbit, and the fact that it downloads the info wirelessly to the website, which then communicates my exercise information to www.myfitnesspal.com (where I log my food) automatically - which really simplifies my activity logging.  I've also found  that it motivates me to push myself farther - so I can reach the 10 flights of stairs, or so I can hit a new "record" for steps taken in a day, etc. 

I clip my Fitbit on every morning, and the morning I had my follow-up appointment was no different.  What was different was that by the time I was at my surgeon's office I realized it wasn't clipped on any longer.  I lost my Fitbit.  I back-tracked my errands that morning and have been unable to find it, so I contacted support@fitbit.com and asked them if I could purchase another unit but without the charging base (and therefore hopefully cutting down the replacement cost).  To my surprise, after giving them the information about where I purchased it, on what date, and what email address it was registered under, they offered to send me a new one FOR FREE!  Are you kidding me?  I can't say enough about their customer service.  Their product didn't break - this was all on me and they are sending me a new one. 

So I'm sending a shout-out to the folks at Fitbit today, and it's just part of the reason I'm smiling so much this week.

Here's another.  I've lost two pounds in the last two days.  Huh?  Yeah, we all know that our weight fluctuates daily.  So a one day one pound difference is normal, and I tend to lose 1-2 pounds a week right now.  The weird part is, I was already down 1.5 pounds for this week - and now I lost another 2.  So I found myself grinning as I walked around the neighborhood with my dog this morning.  It's important not to become dependent on seeing weight loss on the scale all the time - I have gone for 5 days or so without seeing a drop, and those are the days that I have to remind myself that my body will go at it's own pace but continue to get healthier as long as I follow the program.  I remind myself that I will have plateaus in the future - real ones that last weeks, not days.  But to not do anything different and lose 3.5 pounds this week instead of 1-2... yeah, baby!

After my appointment, I had another class with the nutritionist.  I explained that I was concerned about trying bread and pasta - both because they could be triggers, and because I was worried about dumping.  She encouraged me to try some small low carb options.  I tried making cheese pizza on Flatout Lite Italian and could only eat about 2/3 of it.  It didn't make me sick, but the bread felt like a rock in my pouch - not really painful but uncomfortable.  I have no interest in trying it again any time soon - no trigger there.  Then last night I tried eating half a small pita bread as a cheese sandwich with provolone, lettuce, and avocado.  It tasted great, but I got that same pouch-full-of-setting-cement feeling after a couple bites.  So I know I CAN eat these grains in moderation without dumping, or having them get stuck.  But I don't WANT to.  Avocado, on the other hand, I think I could eat daily (yum!) if only it was a protein source ;) 

I'm really proud of myself and feel certain that I will get to my personal goal (140-150 pounds).  The surgeon expects that I might be around 150 at my 6 month follow-up! 

I'm preparing for the end of the school year.  I will enjoy spending more time with my sons (most of the time, anyway) and not going to work.  However, I will be losing the paychecks and guaranteed extra 5000-7000 steps M-F that I have been getting as a school monitor.  So, I'm preparing to start Couch to 5K training with my boys.  My goal is for all three of us to be able to jog one as a team by the end of the summer.  I've never liked running, and don't have the best knees in the world, but after hearing about the successes of other WLS patients with this program, I'm really excited to try.  That, walking the dog, and swimming will be my exercise staples over break, supplemented by the elliptical on bad weather days.  We are also planning for our upcoming trip to Williamsburg and some weddings of friends. 

Hoping all my readers have one of these can't-stop-smiling days soon.  Happy Friday!

Bariatric Betty starts her new job, looks at her progress 8 weeks out

So I started my job as a monitor at the elementary school yesterday, and it's a lot of fun!  I work with Kindergarteners, 1st graders, and 3rd graders.  I knew several kids already from my neighborhood, and from volunteering with 2nd graders for math last year.  The first time I monitored recess I had four little Kindergarten girls taking turns holding my hands and "showing me" all over the playground.  The third grade recess is more along the lines of girl drama, i.e. "She used to be my friend, but now she says she's her best friend, not mine!"  The boys seem to be more rough and tumble at both ages, but then they're back to being friends again. 

I was hoping to have 2nd graders so I could see what happens during my son's recess, but at least I'll get to see him all next year.

My big concern was how my body would handle standing and walking around for 2 1/2 hours non-stop.  It used to be that just an hour or more of that used to cause me to sweat like I was working out.  I've lost almost 60 pounds, so I hoped I would be fine.  I'm happy to say it's literally "no sweat". :)   Not that I don't enjoy sitting down when I'm done - that feels lovely.  But, it doesn't feel like I'm exhausted. 

Yesterday I brought a Quest protein bar which I ate halfway through working, but had a headache by the time I got home.  This time, I ate 1/2 of a Quest bar right before arriving, and then an hour later drank 24 ounces of Crystal Light and had a lunch of lentils and greek yogurt when I got back home - no headache!  The monitor that I'm replacing brought in donuts today to share for her last day, and I watched everyone else eat them without any cravings - Yay!  I love the honeymoon period.  Gotta train that brain. 

I have worn a pedometer both days, and found that I take 4000-5000 steps while working.  Needless to say, I no longer have problems getting in more than 10,000 steps a day! 

So I'm now 8 weeks post-op and really excited with how things are going.  I have lost 58 pounds so far (30 pre-op and 28 post) and my BMI has gone from 42.3 to 32.7!  My next big achievement is a while off - when I lose another 22 pounds I will no longer be considered obese.  Now that my weight loss is slowing a bit, I anticipate that will probably take a couple of months. So, I'm going to be looking forward to celebrating other benchmarks;  going down another size, being able to workout on a day I also work without burning out, feeling more comfortable eating in front of others... 

My son's first communion is 4/21 and we're going to go to brunch at First Watch afterwords.  For those of you who haven't been - First Watch only serves breakfast/ brunch/ lunch.  They have a lot of egg dishes, which is what I'll be sticking to.

My last entry I talked about ordering a dress a size smaller than I currently was for my friend's wedding reception.  The dress came in, and so I tried it on to see how far off I was.  Unfortunately, I got a reminder that just because I'm losing weight does not mean I can wear any style/ cut.  Being unusually top-heavy means I will not be wearing that dress - I would have to lose 4 inches in my bust.  In losing 60 pounds I have lost 3 1/2 inches in my bust - and I'm not planning on losing 60 more.  However, I did find another dress on sale from Lands End that I got at the bargain price of $6.99 that DOES fit and I will probably wear it to the reception, so things all worked out in the end!

Bariatric Betty - 5 weeks out, new totals, new job!

So today is day 36, and tomorrow I get to start trying transitional foods.  That means very small amounts of super-toasted bread products (the crunchier, the better) and things like a bite or two of iceberg lettuce.  Woo-hoo!  Chewing continues to become more and more important as I eat more things that won't just slide out the tiny opening in my stomach.  I've had several reminders to CHEW MORE like two unchewed lentils stuck together blocking that opening and causing pain and vomitting.  Once it was a shredded piece of cheese.  The new crunchier foods increase that risk if I don't chew well.  I continue to feel uneasy about eating in front of others outside my immediate family because of this, but I'll keep working through it.  My best friend was sweet enough to not only give me the entire menu for her wedding reception, but to tell me the restaurant that's catering it, so I can try things ahead of time if I want.  I'll still need to eat protein I pack, but I could at least taste some palak paneer!

So lots of good news this week.  As of today, I actually weigh the weight on my driver's license!  That is very exciting, and again makes me wonder why they don't actually have us stand on a scale (without our seeing the weight) that would automatically enter the weight in the computer at the DMV (and not put it on the driver's license for the world to see).  After all, if I had disappeared a year ago, they would have been looking for someone that weighed 52 pounds less than I did - how would that have helped them find me? I have actually imagined that heaven forbid I had been murdered and they found my body, them saying "Nope, this can't be that girl, she's much more obese."  HELLO - how many of the people getting license give their correct weight?  I'm guessing even those who have never been obese fudge a little.

Yup, 52 pounds!  My BMI has gone from 42.1 down to 33.9.  I'm losing 1 to 2 pounds a week, which is right on target for now.  It will slow further as I have less to lose.    I'm very excited about achieving my next goal - no longer being obese.  When my BMI gets to 29.9, I will be overweight, but not obese.  Celebrating being overweight sounds oxymoronic, but when you started out being Morbidly Obese, it's a real milestone. 

So yesterday I brought a pizza party to my son's classroom to celebrate his birthday.  I suggested that instead of cupcakes or cookies, because I figure by giving them a lunch of cheese pizza, grapes, and water they were probably eating the same number of calories they would normally get at lunch, but it felt like a huge treat.  The kids had a blast - and funny enough I didn't have the slightest craving for the pizza.  I didn't even want to lick my fingers as I plated all 24 servings.  I used to love pizza. 

So after lunch I stopped by to chat with the principal and let her know that I will be all healed up and off restrictions after our spring break, so if she needed anyone to sub as a monitor (watching the kids for lunch and recess) I would be available.  She had offered to hire me fulltime (2.5 hours a day M-F) last fall after I had applied as a sub, but I had told her that with the planned surgery I would be out a couple months in the winter/ spring, and didn't think it would be fair to them.  Her response was "How did you know?  Did you know?  That I just got two resignations this morning?  They're on my desk right now!"  So, I'm hired "fulltime" as of 4/16!  The pay isn't great, but I will only be working when my kids are in school, I'll have a really good idea of what's really going on in the elementary school, and hopefully I can help keep the peace.  Given my strong sense of fairness and sense that school should be a safe place for children, I hope neither the principal nor I regret this!

The interesting thing is I realize now that I probably couldn't have done this last fall when I applied.  You see, you constantly stand and walk for 2 1/2 hours.  While I was walking 2 miles a day, doing the elliptical for 1/2 hour (5 miles) and other active things, just standing for an hour used to make me sweat.  I remember volunteering at the bookfair and walking around a small room helping kids for 1 1/2 hours and being sweaty and exhausted.  Because when you are morbidly obese, your body works really hard just STANDING for a long period.  It was easier to do 5 miles on the elliptical than stand/ walk a little for 1 1/2 hours.  

So I'm going to start increasing the lengths or my walk with my dog now to make sure I build up my endurance a bit more before starting my job in April.  I know my body is totally different now, and I'm not as limited as I was, but I'm still obese and at my current approx. 600 calories a day, my energy level isn't sky high by any means.  At least I know I will be guaranteed a lot of walking (in addition to walking my dog) for the rest of the school year.  Once summer starts, I'm looking at starting Couch To 5k training with the whole family.  Now that will be interesting. 

Bariatric Betty at 1 month post op with pics

Wow, what a month!  Full of emotional highs and lows.  Some "it can't be this easy" moments and some "why have I not lost weight for the past few days" ones.  All in all, I have been pretty complication-free!

At 3 weeks I had my first post-op follow-up first where they said I had already lost the average excess weight (16%) they see in RNY patients at one month.  Good thing, because I've only lost another pound and a half since then.  Part of that is because of my journey with pureed foods and then recently soft foods (no blenders!).  You defintely lose slower once you are actually eating.  I have also slowed my eating, and now take 20-30 minutes to eat a meal (vs. that too-fast black bean soup puree moment).

Here a picture of me I took today

Most people say they can see the change since surgery most in my face.  I also have to show this other picture I took of my new furry friend, "Bearyatric Betty" - a great recovery gift from my friend and WLS mentor, Jo.

Jo's the best - other than the fact that reading Bearyatric Betty's name made me laugh so hard it pulled my stitches. 

So, I had a little scare last week when I worried I was becoming intolerant to dairy.  Being ovo-lacto vegetarian, that was concerning.  I get 1/3 - 1/2 of my protein daily from dairy.  After 2 rough stomachs with Greek Yogurt and 1 horrible one with pureed cottage cheese,  I tried to take Lactaid with dairy and that seemed to help.  In fact, it helped so well a couple times, I started to wonder whether I even had a problem.  So I stopped taking the Lactaid, and what do you know  - I'm fine with dairy!  Huh.  Don't know what happened, but I am glad it stopped!

I went to our community garage sale yesterday and got a bunch of things.  I needed some size 16 pants (my 18s are starting to fall off) - so I got two pairs of jeans, 1 white tailored blouse and 1 pair of shorts that fit right now for a total of $17.  I also bought some khakis that will fit in another 10-15 pounds, ditto 2 skirts, and then two blazers I can wear with pant/ shorts or skirts when I'm down another 20.  I'm going back Tuesday for "bag day" - when you can get anything you can fit in one of their good size bags for $5 - and stocking up on lots of shirts and shorts for the summer in various sizes. 

So I started my "soft foods" the other day!!!  So far I've enjoyed 2 ounces of fresh mozzarella with a slice of tomato, 1/2 cups of scrambled egg beaters with 1/4 cup shredded cheddar, 1/2 cup of morningstar veggie crumbles with a little spaghetti sauce and 1/4 cup shredded mozzarella, 1/2 cup of low fat cottage cheese with unsweetened mandarin orange slices - all with no dumping, no overeating, and chewing well. Then came lunch today.  I thought I would try the morningstar veggie meatballs with spaghetti sauce and mozzarella (similar to the crumbles).  Unfortunately, on my second bite, I didn't chew long enough and got a piece about 1/3 inch long stuck in my pouch.  OWWWWWWW!  First came the drooling, then the pain - kind of angina-like.  I tried to swallow some water to see if it would push through - I FELT it move up and then wedge right back in there.  Owwww. So I spent the next 15 minutes trying to throw it up - finally did, whew.  I know I'm lucky that I haven't had to throw up since surgery until now - and it wasn't that bad since I've had all this time to heal - but I'm in NO HURRY to experience anything like that again.  Latest lesson - THINK about the chewing EVERY bite.

During a spell where there wasn't any change going on with the numbers on the scale, I measured myself.  This was very cool - because I hadn't measured myself since November.  In November I was halfway through my pre-op 90 day medically monitored diet, and since then I have lost 5 inches in my waist, about 4 in my hips, and about 3 in the band around my chest.  I also lost 1 inch off my biceps, and almost an inch off my thigh.  I'm pretty happy with all of that.  My only disappointments is that some of my weight has come off my butt - which was fairly small to begin with, and that none of it seems to be coming off my cup size.  I know that I will have less "sagging" pants moments when I have a more defined waist, and that will come.  I also expected that my bountiful chest wouldn't reduce much (if at all) based on past weight loss, but I was holding out hope.  Maybe it will change later, but probably not. 

This brings up the ghosts of discomfort of being looked at like I'm a waitress at Hooters... but I will deal with that if/ when it comes.  At least I won't be dealing with diabetes and morbid obesity at the same time.  It's hard when people assume that the only reason you have a large chest is because you WANT that type of attention, and that it must be implants.  As the rest of my body gets smaller, they become more apparent.  But, right now, I have enough to focus on with sticking to the plan.  Tomorrow will bring what it will.  And I'll do my best with whatever that is.

One last thing - I now live in Onederland!  Translation for those who have never struggled with their weight - I'm under 200 pounds.  I actually got there a while ago but was nervous about announcing it.  Not because I thought I would gain it back (NO way), but because for many WLS patients, it takes a year or several to reached this promised land.  By the time I had surgery I was only at 213, so I didn't have that much to lose to get there.  It definitely doesn't compare to the achievements of those who started much heavier, and I didn't feel right about "bragging" about it because it could make some of my fellow WLS patients feel like I was diminishing their accomplishments.  So I haven't announced it on my private facebook groups, but I figured if you are reading my blog, first of all THANK YOU, and second of all - you probably know me well enough by now to know that I'm not comparing this landmark of mine to anyone else's.  Everyone takes their own journey.  But I'm not going to hide successes or setbacks on this blog - so there it is!

Bariatric Betty's 3 week check up - doing great, BUT...

So yesterday (actually day 19) I had my three week check-up with my surgeon's office.  They were very pleased with my weight, the amount of fluid I'm getting in, the amount of protein I'm getting in, and my walking.  According to their scales I've lost 15 lbs since surgery, which was 17% of my excess weight.  They said that the average lost at one month post op is 16% of excess weight, so I'm already ahead at less than 3 weeks.  She also mentioned that they would anticipate that I will have lost 50% of my excess weight at 6 months post-op.  That would mean I would lose 30 more pounds in the next 5 months - sounds great to me.  So that's the good news.

They were concerned about a couple of things.  First - I haven't been taking long enough to eat.  I found that out myself the night before when I ate my black bean soup in about 10 minutes and was in pain for about the next hour and a half.  That was the FIRST TIME I had even had any discomfort from my pouch.  I was almost happy that it happened, because I was starting to wonder when I would get some pouch "feedback".  So I had already resolved to take a lot more time eating.  I've been getting a lot of volume in my pouch for being 3 weeks out.  I was getting almost a cup in most meals, and they said that eating that quickly means that 1) I probably have been having my puree too thin so it's exiting the pouch too quickly and 2) I'm a quick healer and not very swollen at this point.  They said that I will be able to eat less as my food gets more solid.

Second, I was asking about being allowed to exercise more.  I wanted to start some lightweight free weight training for my arms/ shoulders, and maybe gentle walking on the elliptical.  As my fat is decreasing my arms are starting to get flabby, and I miss the endorphin rush I get working out.  Plus, I keep on reading and hearing others being warned not to waste their window of opportunity/ honeymoon period.  I want to make the most of mine.  This appointment burst a few bubbles.  I was told very bluntly that I'm not consuming enough calories yet to build any muscle, and that if I start working out now, it's possible I could destroy my existing muscle tissue, and then it wouldn't come back.  Whoa.  When I asked about the elliptical I was told "No, because even that will use your abdominal muscles more, and if the stitches in your abdominal muscles don't heal well then you could have permanent weakness in spots."  Oh.  So I said "OK, so just keep walking, you know walking my dog..." and she almost choked.  "You're walking your dog?!?"  I tried to explain that I've come up with strategies if he starts to pull (like standing on the leash) so I don't stabilize with my abs, but that he usually doesn't pull, he just walks at my side.  But, she was still worried.  I tried to explain that my dog HAS to go out at least once during the time that my kids and husband are away during the day, and that I have made sure that I take all the precautions I can.  So I'm not arguing about weight training or using my elliptical - I totally get it.  And I'm going to be very careful walking my dog, but I have to walk everyday and so does he. 

So one of the funnier moments of the visit was with the surgeon's assistant who was talking about how I'll be on regular food before I see them again.  So she says, "Breakfast, talk to me about cereal and milk..." and looked at me.  Huh?  I think I can only say I had a confused deer-in-headlights look.  "C'mon, what do you think about cereal and milk for breakfast?"  Ummmmm.  I don't.  I don't think of cereal and milk for breakfast.  I've been a diabetic for the previous year and a half.  Too many carbs, too low protein, etc.  "No, no.  Think about your rules, would milk and cereal make a good breakfast?  No.  Protein is way too low, right, but it is also a lot of LIQUID calories.  You aren't supposed to have liquid calories.  And it will wash the cereal right out of your pouch - it's like drinking with a meal!"  Oh.  OK.  Right.  But I had a whole nutrition class with one of their nutritionists after the appointment and she felt really confident that I understand the rules.  It was just being asked like that, my brain froze and went "Whaaaaaaaaahhhhhht?"

I had the nutrition class with Orlando, a fellow RNY patient that I met in the hospital.  He's doing really well, too.  I have to say, the support of fellow patients as well as the amazing staff at the hospital means so much.  I talked to them about me attending my local support group vs. the one at the hospital because they're on the same night each month.  The surgeon's office said that was fine - yippee!  And pretty soon I get to start having TVP (texturized vegetable protein) - a staple in most vegetarians' diet. 

Yesterday I also got the formal invite to my best friend's wedding reception in May.  And promptly got anxious about it.  A dinner reception - eating in front of non-family members.  What if my pouch throws a fit and I vomit?  Will there be anything I can eat?  OMG, I've never been anxious like this, but I calmed down and started working through it like a challenge.  OK, I'll ask my friend exactly what is on the menu, then I can see what I might be able to eat.  If there is anything appropriate for me to eat, I can try making it at home a few times before the surgery so that I can see if my pouch will tolerate it.  And I will pack a source of protein that I can eat - maybe cheese cubes, I'll be on normal food by then.  That way I can have a ready protein I can eat out of my purse before I try a bite of anything else.  OK, that will work. 

So I have a bunch of social things coming up.  My son turns 9 this month, and is making his first communion next month.  Then my friend's wedding reception in May, and a family vacation in June.  I need to have clothes that will fit for all these occasions.  The birthday is fine - at a bowling alley, I can get away with loose jeans and shirts.  The first communion will need something dressy, and I will be too small for anything I currently own.  Ditto on the wedding.  And I will need summer clothes for vacation...  Luckily, there is a local community garage sale in about 10 days where they usually have really nice clothing.  I will be all over that sale.  Once my weight stabilizes I will save up and buy some new nice clothes for myself - but it doesn't make sense to waste money on clothes I may only wear a couple times while I'm shrinking. 

I hinted to my family that maybe in 6-9 months they could nominate me for "What Not to Wear" so I could get professional advice on how to dress my new body, as well as a gift card to pay for it.  The response?  "Ummm, they would need you to be in New York for like a week, right?  We'll just save money up for you to shop here."  It is nice to needed. And the poor guys did just do without me for three days and they still don't have me back in full form yet.   Maybe What Not To Wear will decide to make a stop in Cleveland someday :)  I can't complain - not with all the blessings in my life.  My family, my friends, and my pouch.

Bariatric Betty; an ice cube with NSVs

NSVs?  That's short-hand for Non-scale victories.  Something that shows you are doing well on your weight loss other than watching the number on the scales go down.  They are important, because sometimes the number on the scale stops changing, sometimes for weeks at a time, and you need to have something telling you that what you are doing is working. 

My first NSV is that I have become a human ice cube.  Morbidly obese people who lose a lot of weight (through bariatric surgery or otherwise) tend to become cold.  Permanently.  That's OK, really, because as a morbidly obese person, we used to be permanently hot.  And sweaty.  At least when you are cold you can bundle up.  When you're hot, there are only so many layers you can take off and still be legal in public, and even less layers you can take off and feel comfortable about how you're dressed - so you just end up sweating a lot, which is embarassing.  So it's day 16 and three days ago I started to realized not only am I not feeling hot anymore, I'm cold.  Especially after walking my dog outside (well bundled up) in 35 - 40 degree weather.  I have to come home, take a hot shower, get dressed warmly and then bundle up with blankets to get warmer.  Woo-hoo!  I feel like I've crossed a border into a different country.  After surgery I was still at least constantly warm, and was wondering when I would get my chill on - and it finally happened!

Second NSV:  my raincoat.  I have a beautiful magenta trenchcoat and it has been raining a lot this week.  We haven't had a lot of snow this winter, and now the rain is setting in.  The neat thing was that I hadn't worn my raincoat for a couple months, and when I put it on I realized how loose it was!   Loose like, after I buttoned it I realized I had about 6 extra inches of fabric that I used to fill.  Even greater comparison - last spring it was TIGHT. 

Third NSV:  my (perceived) mood.  My husband is thrilled, because he says I'm in such a great mood every time he comes home now.  He said it's wonderful, that he can't believe how even-keeled I am.  I laughed the first time he said it, because it's not how I've been feeling.  I explained that I'm still feeling emotional and easily irritated, but I've been trying to make sure I don't bite anyone's head off because they won't stop making that knocking sound, etc.  So I guess my NSV is that I'm better at controlling my reactions, and my husband appreciates it.

My biggest challenge this week has probably been the idea of being with people other than my family.  I went to my son's school for the first time in a couple months yesterday and really had to take a moment before I went in to prepare myself.  I expected people would notice a difference in how I looked, and they did.  I got several complements, which was nice.  But I was preparing myself for the potential negatives: the reaction that some people have when they hear someone had bariatric surgery.  The "Oh, you cheated" look or comments.  I do not have a problem with confrontation, and I anticipate that I will be educating a LOT of people over the next years about how hard it is, not just committing yourself to the surgery but the how you have to live for the rest of your life after the surgery.  My goal is to do this nicely (i.e. without telling people they are ignorant and cruel for making negative comments) and without going on for a half an hour ;)  But now that I'm starting to see people other than my neighbors and immediate family I know that it will happen.  Luckily, it didn't happen yesterday :)   I also had a very strong reaction because my husband's extended family wanted to invite us over for lunch this weekend.  Lunch?  As in eating?  I can't DO that.  I don't eat real food yet.  And even if I brought my own food, I don't know how I would react to the smell of everyone else's cooked food (let us not forget my sudden nausea at the smell of edamame cooking with soy sauce, ewwww).  And then the definite possibility of getting the "foamies" (a pre-curser to vomitting that happens to WLS patients when their pouch decided not to respond positively to whatever they're trying to consume and they start to salivate quickly).  I don't want them to see that.  I'm not ready for people to watch me eat (other than my immediate family, that is).  Getting a sense of the anxiety that started to build up?  I'm sure I sounded like a babbling fool as I tried to deal with an invite politely over the phone, and eventually said "I don't know if that would work, maybe we could stop by after lunch".    Yeah, that's it.  Now if I could get rid of all the stuff before that, it sounds perfectly fine, right?

So I go in to my surgeon's office for my 3 week post-op appointment next week, and I'm excited.  I think I'm doing pretty well sticking to the plan, and my weight loss is now about 15 pounds since surgery, about 45 pounds since the beginning.  I'm hoping I can get permission/ blessings to start using my elliptical a little, and maybe do some lightweight free-weight training for my upper body.  I still get some pulling from my stitches, but it's a lot better and less frequent now.  I'm not supposed to be doing real exercising until 6 weeks post-op, but I feel like I'm wasting an opportunity, and I'm watching my arms starting to shrink and droop skin and I know that toning would help.  This next week I will also be switching to more puree/ less protein shake supplements.  The rule is that if I can get down 50 grams of protein or more from my purees I should stop drinking the shakes.  I'm planning on making that happen by adding unflavored whey protein to some of the purees to boost the protein levels.  I will also be beginning the rule that will apply for the rest of my life:  no drinking with meals.  I will not be drinking liquid 15 minutes before and 60 minutes after meals so that when my 1/4-to-1/2 cup of meals are in my stomach they are not washed through, thus making me hungry again sooner.  Other than helping us feel "full" it also gives our body the chance to start to absorb the nutrients better.  Since we can only sip (not gulp) liquids now, we need to consciously try to sip frequently in all of our allowed time slots to prevent dehydration.  Whew - big week ahead! 

Bariatric Betty: pickle-licker

Before anything else, let me say that my heart and prayers go out to the students and families in Chardon, Ohio after the school shooting yesterday.  May we learn something from this tragedy that helps prevent things like this from happening in the future.  Please remember the families involved in your prayers.

Day 12 (starting counting from the day after surgery when I started fluids) and it's been pretty good so far considering.  I was on full liquids for Day 2-10 and then on Day 11 (yesterday) I got to start thin purees.  Just in time, too, because on Day 10 I found myself licking a slice of pickle!  C'mon, licking a pickle - that's liquid-ish, right? 

I have been lucky to find a protein supplement that I think is pretty good.  I use the Syntrax Nectar Fuzzy Navel.  23 grams of protein and 0 carbs, 0 fat.  I like it because it doesn't have that thick creamy taste that so many protein shakes have (and that I can't stand).  It's Whey protein, so it digests easily in my pouch.  Fuzzy Navel kind of tastes like Tang to me.  And I drink it out of a water bottle with a small opening so I don't smell the "protein smell".  No, I'm not receiving any compensation from Syntrax ;) 

Since Day three I've been able to drink three servings of the protein shakes a day, which has really helped my recovery.  The one incision that was still bandaged and having "ooze" when I was discharged scabbed over 2 days ago.  They said it can take up to two weeks, but that the amount of protein you are getting in makes a difference.  Cha-ching! 

The only downside of having fuzzy navel/ tang taste three times a day (in addition to water and Crystal Light) is that you get very tired of citrus/ fruit flavors.  Hence the pickle-licking incident.  I miss salty, savory flavors!  So yesterday was a banner day.  I made two different purees and alternated during the day.  First up was Low Fat Ricotta cheese, Mids Meatless spaghetti sauce, garlic salt and water.  Yummmmmm.  Think cheese ravioli minus the pasta.  Second was Fat Free Refried Beans, Pace Picante (Mild) and water. Think mexican bean dip without the chips.  Also good.  Both went down easily, no "stuck" feelings.  I had a little more burping than I've had with drinking liquids, but otherwise it didn't feel very different.  I ate 1 cup over the day, split into 4 servings. 

I kept waiting to feel that "full" feeling.  I didn't get it.  I also didn't get any discomfort or anything else associated with eating too quickly or too much.  Later in the day I actually felt hungry.  Hungry?  I'm not supposed to feel hunger now.  Is it "head hunger" - where I'm not really hungry but my brain is confused?  I remembered something I've heard at support groups and on my Weight Loss Surgery FB groups - sometimes you will confuse being thirsty with being hungry.  So, I drank 24 ounces of Crystal Light over the next 30 minutes and felt somewhat better.  Then I had my last 8 ounces of protein shake for the day and the "hunger" was gone.

I wish I was able to identify "full".  Not yet.  I have discovered "thirsty" (which masquerades as "hungry"), and "not hungry".  I only experience discomfort if I drink too fast - sometimes I forget that two swallows in a row is my apparent limit.  If I swallow a third without a pause, it splashes right back.  Then it's fine and I can swallow again.  I don't want to push my luck by eating normal size bites of food, because who WANTS to feel bad, but sometimes I can't help thinking "is my pouch small enough?" and other crazy things like that. 

So other than eating and drinking being slightly TOO easy, my only frustration is muscle pain in my abdomen.  I'm not supposed to be lifting more than 10 pounds, and I am being very careful with that.  The major difficulty has been with my dog.  I have to be able to take him out several times a day, and while he normally is not a big "puller" when we walk, he can get aggresive towards other dogs.  If it's not one of his canine BFFs and they walk by, he's all "This is my yard/ my pack leader/ I'm a tough dog/ go away!!!"  Usually annoying/ amusing (he's a 30 pound cocker spaniel, so he doesn't seem very threatening).  Now, when he pulls on the leash to bark at a dog, he pulls with more than 10 pounds.  I know, because my abs hurt - especially where my stitches are.  So I usually look out the door carefully before taking him outside, but twice now his LEAST favorite dog in the world has come around the corner right after I have gotten my 8 year old on the bus.  Yesterday I hurried back inside, but not before things got pulled enough that it hurt on and off all day.  This morning, same thing, but this time I had sense enough to hand my leash off to another mom, who held on to him for a minute until he had calmed down.  Better. 

I did take him for one of our regular 1 mile walks yesterday - which we have BOTH been missing.  It was the furthest I've walked since surgery, and he has been desperate for more exercise.  That went fine, his archnemesis was no where in sight. 

Speaking of abdominal stitches, I've decided that the indented spot where my doc sewed some muscles together to prevent a hernia post-op is my "one-pack".  I've never had muscle definition in my abs - honestly I don't know if it's possible.  Even at our lightest, my family has always had "soft stomachs", and now-a-days our kids are diagnosed "low tone" and double-jointed.  So one may be as much muscle definition as I ever see there, but I don't care.  Latest numbers: I'm down 12 pounds since surgery, 42 pounds since this journey started.  Whatever frustration I have, I'm not diabetic anymore and still losing, so I'm happy!

Bariatric Betty's a Hot Mess

Day 7, which means I had surgery 8 days ago, because in bariatric world, you count the days from the first day you drank liquid.  Things have been going smooth - and it sort of feels like the calm before the storm.  Like when your kids have been playing quietly together in the other room and suddenly you realize that it's TOO quiet and know that they are up to something.  Or I'm paranoid.  Could be either.

I'm drinking at least 64 ounces of fluid a day.  The liquid is mostly water (hot or cold), Crystal Light, and Syntrax Nectar Protein drinks.  Twice I've had hot Cream of Mushroom Soup (strained through a sieve) and it was a nice change.  I'm drinking at least two protein shakes a day, which is actually the goal for the second week, which starts tomorrow.  Cool.  I've lost 6.4 pounds according to my home scale, which I think is friggin' fantastic!  I was prepared to barely lose anything the first week because of all the fluid retention from surgery. 

I'm surprised at how few problems I'm having.  Other than occasionally gulping when there is no room in my pouch for gulps, everything goes down easily.  Nothing I've drank has made my stomach upset - although I did find out that the smell of cooking edamame with soy sauce is NAUSEATING.  My husband has been wonderful, and only went back to work for a full day today.  The boys are helping pitch in, especially my 11 year old.  My eight year old switches between being helpful and being upset that Mommy isn't doing her normal stuff.  If it's his idea to take the dog outside, he's proud to help.  If I ask, he might get ticked and throw a blanket over his head until he says quietly "I don't want to".  He's also been acting out more at school, but change is hard for everyone.  It doesn't mean his acting out is OK, but I know where he's coming from.

Because as much as I am a glowing success physically, I'm a hot mess inside.  What started as weird dreams definitely influenced by my pain control medicine, I realize now is a accurate picture of the psychological landscape inside my head.  My dreams have repeatedly involved someone (a friend, a realtor, etc) pointing out that I've left something a mess - lots of clutter, childhood toys, some things my mom dropped off when she downsized that I had no purpose for.  Sometimes they're in my house, sometimes I have apparently left them at a friend's house sometime in the past, and she's nicely saying "Ummm, you need to come get these out of here.  Now." 

It's fascinating, because as I realized in the middle of the night last night, it's kind of like as my fat is being burned off by my body it's almost like I'm remembering aspects of what made me put it on there in the first place.  Like a beach eroding and showing old trash (maybe treasure?).  Feeling embarrassed - ate extra servings of pasta.  Felt like a failure at keeping the house up - ate some ice cream.  Felt proud of my baking skills - made extra cookie dough to make cookies for friends, but then snacked on the dough.  Felt noticed and unsafe - ate more of anything so that nobody would make advances or threaten me.  These are all real feelings, and ones that I've prepared myself will NOT be hidden under fat anymore, and the weird thing is, I'm not feeling them now.  I'm feeling the MEMORIES of them, and they're coming out in my dreams. 

Of course, in the middle of the last night, I didn't FEEL like that.  I felt miserable.  I wrote all of the above like it was about some other person - clinical, removed - but it's about MY past, which affects my current feelings.  My current feelings include feeling proud of doing exactly what the doctors said - liking stepping on the scale.  Being impressed with myself for getting all my fluids and protein in - telling people how well I'm doing.  But it also includes feeling guilty because I can't take my dog for long walks like we used to. Can't even do short ones, really, because when he pulls on the leash it could affect my stitches and cause a hernia.  So I have his sad eyes (and bored chewing teeth) looking at me all day (and destroying every pen or marker her can find).  Feeling guilty because I can't empty the trash, or have enough energy to even just go with the family to the Rec Center (just sitting once we get there).  Feeling impotent as a mom, because I have to keep myself off the painkillers all day to be able to drive to the store to get some fresh fruits and vegetables for the rest of the family.  Then being too sore to lay down and cuddle my son goodnight.  And while housekeeping isn't normally my greatest stregth, knowing that I can't take a load of laundry downstairs to get it started, or bring one up yet means that I'm watching the laundry pile grow. 

Luckily, I've got my husband, who patiently listens to me in the middle of the night while I explain these feelings.  While I tell him that I feel super hormonal like PMS brought a friend, and that it's only by sheer willpower that I'm not biting people's heads off when I'm slightly irritated.  And that I know that some of these over-emotional mood swings are normal for post-ops, because THANK GOD I've been reading posts from so many others who have had he surgery over the past 5 months.  So I know I'm not really going crazy (crazier).  I know it's temporary.  And I know that if I keep doing what I'm supposed to do, I will stabilize and continue my success. 

I'm so thankful my husband and friends are willing to listen (especially my husband who loses sleep doing it).  Because talking is helpful, at least for that moment.  It let's me get back to sleep.  Or stop feeling like crying.  And get back to work following the Rules, working the plan.  And blogging all about this, because it is feeling cathartic, too.

I want to start working out, and maximizing this "window of opportunity".  I won't until the doctors clear me, but I think about it A LOT.  I want to stop taking any painkillers, but I know that if I push myself too hard I end up hurting and unable to do anything.  So I'm praying for patience.  I'm asking my kids for understanding.  And I'm looking at my dog and telling him I love him even thought he's not getting the exercise he needs, and giving him a new chew toy.  This too shall pass.  I'm thankful for the gift of this tool, for my family, for my friends, and for all the prayers that have been said for me.  I look forward to paying it forward.