Naked girls, Head Hunger, and Ups and Downs

I haven't written for a while - I've felt like I've been treading water a lot since graduation.  Not specifically with my weight loss, just juggling a lot of family things.  Anyway, the news blackout ends today thanks to my 10 year old son!

My son has apraxia (a motor planning disorder) and aphasia (a language disorder that makes it hard to find/ understand common words sometimes).  I mention this because when he wants to discuss something, it's often something that he's been thinking about for a while and trying to figure out how to say it.  As a result, he comes up with some thoughts you wouldn't expect to hear from a 10 year old, and today was one of those days. 

I was driving him to a birthday party and Miley Cyrus was singing "Wrecking Ball" on the radio.  For those of you lucky enough not to know this, Miley is a 21 year old former Disney star who is desperately trying to shake the Disney-good-girl image and swung naked on a wrecking ball for video for this song.  So, out of nowhere, my son starts this conversation.

Him: "Mom, you know, I think Miley is pushing it too far."
Me: *Chuckle* "Yeah, I think you're right."
Him: "I mean, she's just pushing it to far.  I have a hypothesis. You know, boys like to see naked girls."
Me: "Okay"
Him: "But I think, really, that truly boys want to see girls not."
Me: "Oh, you mean not naked?  That they would like to see them with clothes on."
Him: "Yeah.  That's better.  It's kind of like with you, Mom.  Your brain tells you that you want to eat some frosting.  But you really don't because you know it will make you feel bad.  And it's kind of like that for boys."

Yup, my 10 year old just summed up Head Hunger and hypothesized that it's the same as boys thinking they want to see naked girls.

Oh, and he explained that they were talking about hypotheses at school, but that he had already learned it from watching The Big Bang Theory.  That's my boy.

So what's been going on otherwise.  Well, one thing that hasn't been going on is my jogging.  I'm still getting in 10,000 to 15,000 steps a day, but I haven't jogged more than a couple minutes in a few months.  I haven't signed up for any 5ks for about 6 months.  So is it being lazy?  Yes, that's part of it.  I haven't been motivated to pick up the pace much. 

I do have a couple valid excuses that make it easier to justify walking.  One is our new rescue dog who is 5 pounds and part Chihuahua.  He just can't run fast/ far.  It took a while to build up his endurance to even being able to walk over a mile.  Now that it's freezing out, he also can't be outside for long.

Sharing some personal health and potential TMI (feel free to skip to the next paragraph) - another is my rectocele problem.  Apparently I'm now experiencing pelvic organ prolapse, which means that things aren't suspended in my pelvis the way they used to be.  Sometimes that causes pressure that is a little uncomfortable, and is continuing to cause some difficulties in voiding bowel movements.  In addition to that, it causes occasional incontinence, which is often brought on by bouncing (like jogging).  Now there is a way around this - I can do my best to void ahead of time and not drink a lot before jogging, and wear a pad or something to catch leakage... I've talked to my doctor and she says she's ready to refer me to a surgeon anytime, but that it won't cause any harm for me to wait as long as none of my internal parts start permanently protruding externally, and it's not causing me actual pain.  Neither of those things are happening.  I know I will have to have the surgery at some point, but I'm just not looking forward to it, so I'm postponing it for now.

So what affect is this decrease in activity intensity having?  My weight remains stable, but I have lost some muscle tone.  That means I must have also gained a couple pounds of fat in exchange, but I'm not bothered by it.  I'm wearing the same sizes, and I use my weight stability as a measure.  I've been baking like a fiend for the holidays, and for 99% of the time I have done remarkably well in not tasting the things I bake.  I have more temptations with everyday things in the house, but tend to see any change in my daily weigh-in as a reminder to "Eat Clean, D**n It!".  I have decreased my daily intake to match my lower calorie burning.  Seems to be working, but if I started to see creep on the scale, it would definitely be a motivator.  Maybe I will start swimming laps again... no bouncing there!

I have been feeling an overwhelming sense  of gratitude most days - gratitude that I'm healthy, that I have the energy my family needs from me, that my family is safe and happy and whole.  As we come into the holidays I'm reminded of people who don't have these things.  The anniversary of the Sandy Hook shooting is another reminder.  I decided to do the 26 Acts of Kindness again this year, inspired by the Sandy Hook families.  I'm getting the whole family involved, having them help think of things we can do other than waiting for opportunities to present themselves.  I don't just want to buy something or donate money, I want to do things that make somebody's life a little easier or bring them a smile.  I also think it helps keep us focused on others during this season of rampant consumerism.  Don't think I'm preaching or trying to be an inspiration, I've got a closet full of Santa's surprises that I'll be paying the bill for this month.  I'm just trying to balance that out a little :)

I hope all of you will find smiles of your own, and hopefully getting to spend some quality time with the ones you love this month.  I hope you all had a Happy Hanukkah, have a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year!
 

Surprises! On the scale, with labs, and an unbelievable itch!

The last week has been full of surprises.  Some were good, others not so much.  Last Wednesday I went for my annual physical, where they also draw my labs for the bariatric center.  For my non-WLS friends, because we no long absorb vitamins and minerals well (in addition to taking supplements) we have to have our blood checked for Iron, Folate, Calcium, Vitamin D, Thiamine, Copper, Zinc, and B-12 as well as getting a complete blood count, lipid panel, thyroid panel, and blood glucose level.  They drew 6 tubes of blood, went over my list of the labs I needed, and wondered why they hadn't seen me on a billboard advertising for my bariatric surgeon.  Awwww!  Some compliments never get old. 

The next day I got a call apologizing, but telling me they needed to take more blood.  They hadn't frozen some of the tubes immediately that should have been frozen, so they needed more blood.  Sigh.  OK, no problem, it is a complicated lab order.  The next morning my kids and I went in (we had the day off school for Yom Kippur - Happy New Year everyone who celebrates it) and they drew 6 more. 

Today, 6 days later, I got a call from them again.  Apparently, when the lab courier came to pick up the labs, he put ALL of my tubes in his freezer (not just the frozen ones).  So, they were all frozen when they got to the lab, and they weren't able to run the tests on the ones that weren't supposed to be frozen.  They apologized, and suggested that they send me a script to get them drawn and go directly to the labs to have them drawn to prevent another courier problem.  They don't know if the ones that were supposed to be frozen were run.  Sigh deja vu!  They will send the script to me, and we will try again.  I was actually hoping my results might be in the mail today.  Guess NOT.

On a positive note, I hit another all time low on the scale on Monday, and it blew me away.  139.8!  Under 140?!?  Incredible.  Unbelievable.  Whoa.  OK, so it's now back to 141, but I broke a barrier that I NEVER IN MY WILDEST DREAMS thought was possible.  My initial goal was to get to 160.  Then I hit the 150s and was really happy.  Then I broke into the 140s and I was over-the-moon dream-come-true happy.  I don't imagine I will be going down much further, I seemed to be very steady around 141 - 143 for the last 8 or 9 months - but then I've hit new lows several times in the last month or so.  I'm back at work, so I'm getting more steps in each day - that is helping for sure.  Who knows?  I'm just happy I'm not gaining anything back. 

Here's the bad surprise with returning to work.  I've got a rash.  A really itchy not-fun rash.  For non-WLS friends, we have a lot of extra skin after we lose 100+ pounds.  Some people have so much skin that it causes skin infections, and can interfere with walking, voiding, and sexual functioning.  Imagine a flap of skin that hangs down like an apron from your waist getting in the way of things and trapping bacteria and other fun things between it and the skin that is underneath it.  Yuck.  Having lost 103 pounds, I didn't seem to be having any problems with the excess skin (other than it making some muffin top and other flaps that my son thinks are funny to play with).  I didn't expect to have problems, mostly that happens with people who lose a lot more than I have.  Many WLS people get the extra skin removed ( it's called a panniculectomy, which is about 1/2 of what most people would call a "tummy tuck").  Between the risks, the cost, and the recovery I always said I wouldn't be getting one unless there was a real medical necessity.  Then I went back to work at my lowest ever weight (in 90 degree weather, walking around constantly)...  Hello, itch.  I've got a rash/ skin infection underneath the flap of excess skin hanging from my waist.  I'm treating it with the same anti-fungal medicine that you use for athlete's foot or yeast infections.  It helps with the itching a bit, but it hasn't gone away.  If it's still here much longer, I'll have to see my primary care doctor for something stronger.  And, that will start a trail of documentation.  If I have recurrent infections, my insurance may decide to cover a panniculectomy for me.  I don't want one.  The risk of major surgery, the 6 weeks of restricted activity in recovery, and the 20% of the cost I would still have to pay are three good reasons not to get it which wipe out the positive of being rid of the flaps.  However, if this rash is something I have to deal with on an ongoing basis, I will consider it.  Go away, itch!

Back to the positive!  I got to go visit some old friends briefly over the weekend, many of whom hadn't seen me for over a year (some not since before surgery).  It was really fun getting to have quick visits with them, and I would be lying if I didn't admit that I really enjoyed seeing their reactions to seeing me in my new healthy body.  Bonus.  I am so blessed to have such great family and friends, my home, my job and my health.

Today, 9/11, I'm counting my blessings.  Thank you for all those blessings, and may the hungry, homeless, out of work, and victims of violence find such blessings in the next year.  May I make the right choices to stay healthy, and be able to support others who need help.  May I learn from my mistakes and help my children avoid them.  May I find patience on the hard days, and give of myself on the good ones.  Thank you first responders, for risking your lives to save so many of ours.  Thank you to the members of the armed forces who serve their country - may you receive the support you deserve from us and our country.  Thank you to the teachers who are shaping our tomorrow. 

Bariatric Betty - broken records

The last week has been a good one.  Thanksgiving went according to plan - I kept things simple and relaxed at our house and everyone had a good time.  We even got some good family pictures!  I really enjoy having my picture taken now, which still strikes me as funny after years of dreading it.  We got to see a lot of family, including one Aunt who is considering weight loss surgery.

My uncle asked me if I would feel comfortable talking about my experience with her.  LOL. Yeah, we don't talk much anymore, so he didn't know the answer to that question.  My main concern was if he or family members were pressuring her to consider surgery since mine has gone so well.  I am HAPPY to talk about my surgery with anyone, and encourage people who are interested, but so many people don't realize that the surgery doesn't solve the problem.  They think "If my loved one just does this, then in a year she'll have lost all this weight and we can go on with our lives with her healthy."  If only it was that easy.

First, you have to understand why you're obese to begin with.  Why do you eat what you eat?  Are you a volume over-eater? Are you a sweets junkie?  Are you a sugared soda or coffee addict?  Are you a carbaholic?  Do you drink alcohol often?  Are you an emotional eater?  When you've been on diets do you "cheat" often?  How active are you, and how active are you willing to be?  Are you trying to hide under your layers of fat - trying to make yourself disappear?  Are you trying to push people away with your size?  These issues have to be identified and addressed before surgery- yes, you can change how much and what you're going to eat, but if the reasons you got this way don't change then any loss will be temporary. 

Then there are the risks of the surgery.  People die.  Other people have serious complications.  Some of us have none (like me) but you can't expect that outcome.  Does your insurance even cover weight loss surgery?  If it does, can you afford your portion of the cost?  Are you prepared to be on a pre-approval medically supervised diet for 3, 6, or even 9 months before you even find out if your insurance will approve your surgery?  Do you have medical records documenting your obesity for several years?  Do you log/ journal your food - every bite?  These are things you will have to do.  There will be ongoing costs after surgery - you will be on supplements for the rest of your life - over the counter supplements that will not be covered by insurance.  Then there are the extra labs and doctor's visit you will need to pay for as well (again, for the rest of your life).

Are you ready for the scrutiny that accompanies the knowledge that you are a WLS patient?  The feeling that people are watching what you're eating (either out of curiosity or concern) all the time.  Sometimes they watch with judgement.  Are you prepared for "bad pouch days" when food gets stuck in the new stomach's stoma and makes you sick?  Can you give up drinking while eating (and for an hour afterword) for the rest of your life?  Can you limit yourself to eaing mostly protein for the rest of your life?  No, you will never eat like "normal" people do.  Yes, sometimes you will be able to fake it, but you will spend a large chunk of time figuring out how you will satisfy your nutritional needs and restrictions every day FOREVER.  Going out to eat requires pre-planning/ homework.  It won't feel fun and like a treat.  Going on vacation bring s similar planning and stress.  Eating at a friend's house can be uncomfortable because of your situation - imagine being allergic to gluten and dairy.  That's an example of how some people have to change their diet post-op - some can't handle wheat products at all but those who can eat it can't have much, and some become lactose intolerant.  There will be no more alcohol.  Your doctor may give you permission to drink a small glass of wine or beer after a year post-op, but most will say "No."  We are at high risk for alcohol related problems because of how our modified bodies metabolize the alcohol.

Family support can mean everything in the chances for your success.  If your spouse is supportive and encouraging it can go a long way.  But does your spouse have a history of sabotaging previous efforts to get healthy?  Encouraging you to cheat "just one little bite" or insisting on having snacks around for him or her that are too tempting for you?  Your new lifestyle will change your family's lifestyle as well, and while it will likely make them healthier they won't always like it.  Many people with rocky relationships see those relationships deteriorate after surgery.   The non WLS patient partner can feel jealous of the attention you get (especially from the opposite sex) and the time you are spending focusing on yourself that you used to spend on them.  If you have problems in your relationship your weight loss will not fix them.  I'm a firm believer that all WLS patients should seek counseling before surgery.  Sometimes couples therapy is also helpful. 

Are you prepared for the ongoing struggle both mentally and physically that will not go away?  This surgery fixes your stomach to a small size, but it does not fix your brain.  90% of our struggle is in our brain.  Sometimes I feel like a broken record talking about it, but it's true.  

Having gatric bypass surgery is one of the best things in my life, but it is not to be done lightly. 

Speaking of broken records, I had a couple this week.  I reached a new "low" on the scale, which is always fun.  My weight is fluctuating up and down +/- 2 pounds these days, but I'm losing about 1 pound a month on average.  My other broken record was a jog I did. 3.3 miles!!!  It felt great, especially because it was on new fallen snow and I felt like celebrating that I didn't fall once!  The adreneline from the fear of falling probably hyped my endorphins up a bit.  My 5k is in 8 days, and I can't wait.  I hope my 12 year old can keep up with me :)
 

Bariatric Betty says "no" to brunch, and rape jokes

This last weekend my parents invited us to join them for brunch at their independent living facility.  They reassured me that scrambled eggs would be available, and that the kitchen staff would be happy to prepare an omlet or a veggie patty for me.  They did everything they could to make sure I would be set as a vegetarian post-WLS person that they love.  And it was not fun.  Beyond not fun, I would say that the morning of going there I realized I felt like I was about to do my taxes.  In front of an audience. 

I got irritable that morning, and it only grew when I got an email from my mom letting the whole extended family know that she was going to have my dad take a family picture while we were all there.  Great.  So now I'm hoping I don't get anything stuck in my pouch and have to puke in front of everyone, don't have dumping that leads to explosive diarrhea in front of everyone, and no matter what happens I should plan on being photographed.  I don't know what I would look like in a photo after dumping, and I don't want to find out. 

Before we left I told my husband "This is going to be the last time I accept an invite to go out there for a meal."  Given that he had been sensing my stress and irritability with the situation all morning, it is understandable that his response was "Thank you!" 

I made it though brunch without having to make a run for the bathroom, although there were a couple minutes when it was willpower (go down, dry eggs, go DOWN).  And I looked fine for the picture.  Then I talked to my parents about it and explained that I don't want to make plans to see them or anyone else around meals when it's avoidable.  If it's a matter of me spending a whole day with someone, then obviously I am going to eat with them.  But if it's about spending a few hours together, let's plan BETWEEN meals if we can.  Meals aren't fun social situations for me anymore.  In the best of circumstances they are a time I'm trying to do something I need to do and hope I do it well and don't make myself sick.  On a poorer mental health days they are a time I might feel judged, anxious, tempted, and/ or self-concious. 

My parents took this very well, and understood I didn't want to avoid them or think their brunch/ dining room was bad.  They even suggested we could try doing something less meal-oriented for Christmas/ Hanukkah (I think we'll probably have a serve-yourself buffet in the kitchen instead of a sit-down dinner this year) and Thanksgiving (that one I don't see myself changing).  I don't want to deny my kids or husband chances to have great experiences with family and friends (or myself, for that matter), but having those experiences with me as a stress case definitely lowers if not wipes out the net gain. 

So now on to a more volatile subject.  Rape jokes.  For the past few days I have been reading on www.cnn.com about fallout from a comedian who likes to make vulgar and misogynistic jokes about women.  Apparently he was doing a show and make a joke about someone being raped and when a woman from the audience spoke up and said "That's not funny".  He responded by then making jokes about how funny it would be for multiple men to rape that woman, right then. 

Yesterday I was reading an article written by two women who were talking about why some people are able to find these situations humorous.  They talked about how it is partially because of the perpetuated myth of rape victims "bringing it on themselves" - by how they dressed, by getting drunk, by being in a bad neighborhood, by being alone with someone... That even well-meaning police officers and public officials may inadvertantly contribute to this when they are warning of a serial attacker in a neighborhood and say "Women are advised not to wear tight or revealing clothing, be walking alone..." etc.   That to some men, they twist these words of advice into a judgement that says "if you wear tight or revealing clothing, or walk alone, you are willing to put yourself at risk of being raped".  Never mind that I would be willing to bet that most rape victims aren't wearing tight or revealing clothing at the time of their attack. That some are in fact wearing burqas.  Or onesies.

This concept, of somehow being a willing rape victim, is insane.  Some women will dress in revealing clothing, go out, and look to hook up and have sex.  That is completely UNRELATED to someone wanting to be raped.  Rape is not about sex, it is about violence.  Men who rape are not enjoying sex, they are enjoying hurting someone.  In my opinion, they are less than men because they have lost their humanity.  They are simply violent male mammals.  But people who find rape jokes funny turn this around - they see the women as less than human, as female mammals that can be used to bring them pleasure.  They don't see them as daughters, mothers, sisters and grandmothers. 

Current statistics say that 1 in 6 women in the United States have been attacked.  So this comic probably knows several.  I don't want to challenge him (or even write his name and give him any more audience than he already has).  I would like to challenge the women around him, and everywhere.  If you have been attacked and you are emotionally able to do this - tell the men in your life what that did to you.  The physical pain.  The shattering of your concept of being safe.  The fear that prevented you from having healthy relationship with men for however long.  The fear that may have caused you to be unhealthy - maybe like me you ate yourself into a cocoon that you felt would keep an attacker from picking you (again).  If enough of us share the reality of being attacked, more men will understand there is no humor in it.  Maybe even that comic.

In this train of thought I made a specific choice today.  I usually wear loose fitting tops, partially because most of my clothes are too big at this point, partially because I don't like my chest being defined most of the time.  And hiding my muffin top as well.  :)  But part of the not liking my chest being defined is because of not wanting to be sexualized, or for some twisted person to identify me as a potential target.  Today I thought "I can wear a top that shows my shape and not be a target, so I will."  When I walked my dog two miles around my neighborhood this morning I didn't have makeup on or look super-attractive, but I wore a top that FIT.  And I wasn't scared.  Here's a picture:

Bariatric Betty goes to Williamsburg Part 2 - Ups and Downs

So when I left off, we had reached hot and muggy Colonial Williamsburg.  I packed a Quest Protein bar to eat at lunch, assuming that finding bariatric friendly vegetarian food would be just about impossible.  We ended up stopping at The Cheese Shoppe, where I did try a sample of a delicious Basil Cheddar (OMG!) and got a cup of fresh fruit salad to go with my protein bar.  I could only eat about 1/2 a cup of the fresh fruit salad, but that was about what I expected and shared the rest with my family. 

Later, after exploring a cool toy store with my boys, the whole group headed over to a Baskin Robbins for a cold treat.  I'm happy to say that this doesn't bother or tempt me in any way - I used to ADORE ice cream, but fear of dumping and even bigger fear of NOT dumping (non-Weight Loss Surgery readers, see note below) means I have no cravings for the stuff so far.  So I was waiting in line to place orders for everyone while the rest of the group found chairs to collapse in (did I mention it was REALLY hot?) when I got an urge to visit the restroom.  Hmm.  I asked my mother to take my place in line and went over to the women's restroom.  1 single stall, currently in use with another woman ahead of me in line.  OK, no prob.  Stronger urge.  Hmm.  Maybe there is another one nearby?  I took four steps away to look out the window to see what other storefronts looked promising and when I turned around, another woman had gotten in line where I used to be.  Problem.  Super strong urge.  I walked to the other side of the store, crossed my fingers, and YES!  The men's room was empty.  And then I comandeered it, because I was NOT going to be able to make it to another store. 

Painful.  Explosive.  Draining.  15 minutes later I made it back out, and needed to go home.  Luckily, everybody else looked almost as tired as I felt, so they were of the same mind (and worried about me).  Catching a bus back to the visitors center took long enough that I had to find another restroom, but it was almost over.  When I got back to the condo I slept for two hours, and woke up feeling normal. 


What the heck was that?  Dumping?  Off my protein bar and 1/2 cup of fruit plus maybe 0.2 ounces of cheese?  I've had all of those things numerous times without problem.  I have no idea.  But if it was, then I literally SHUDDER to think what would happen if I ever ate ice cream. 

***Note to my non-Weight Loss Surgery readers.  Dumping is a post-surgical reaction that bariatric patients can have to eating too many carbs or fat (or both).  It can involve nausea, diarrhea, rapid heart beat, feeling flushed/ feverish, and just generally feeling like something stomped on you.  Dumping is described as an adverse affect of surgery, and is not suffered by everyone.  However, many patients (including me) feel that the threat of dumping is a good negative reinforcer to help you choose healthy choices.   One of my goals is to NOT find out if I dump on high fat/ high sugar/ high carb things because if I find out I don't then that "threat" of possibly dumping goes away and things become more tempting.  What happened to me might have had nothing to do with my pouch and just more to do with the stress of the heat and the trip or a virus.

Back at the condo the family played in the pool (well, not me that day) and then played games and watched TV.  Meeting "Thomas Jefferson" was fun, and I would have loved to talk to more of the colonialists, but the real fun was watching everybody horse around in the pool, or moan because somebody else kicked there butts at a game, and knowing that nobody had to go to work the next day. 

The next day was hotter, so we again enjoyed Colonial Williamsburg briefly before heading back to swim some more.  I enjoyed my protein bar and a little cheese without incident (whew).  The next day was the hottest yet - a heat index of 110 degrees!  Even the fort of Jamestown held little interest for my sons in the face of the heat, but they toughed it out for about an hour - mostly enjoying the air conditioned archeological museum!  I was able to eat a slice of spinach quiche for lunch (without crust or any later problems), and then we settled in for an afternoon of watching rentals from Redbox at the condo.  When it cooled off there were water balloons and more time at the pool - more memories :)

That night a huge storm swept across Ohio, West Virginia, Virgina, and Maryland.  Our area was not in the path of destruction.  I'm a light sleeper, so I was up listening to the storm while the rest of the family slept.  However, it wasn't until the next morning when we starting heading out towards home that the severity of the storm became clear.  As we drove north we started seeing the power outages and hearing about the deaths. 

How blessed we were to not be caught in that!  We might have had trouble finding an open gas station for about 50 miles, been inconvienced a little, but thinking of the millions of people without power during the heat wave?  The hundreds of thousands who had damaged homes and cars?  The dozen families who were mourning the loss of loved ones - and how many people didn't know yet if their families were OK? 

We might not have gotten as many pictures as I wanted, or gotten to see the boys dress up in period clothing, or explored the ships in Jamestown.  But I got to spend a whole week with my extended family, and then we all came home safe.  And thanks to my hyper planning for my pouch and family's needs - we even had enough water and food to eat (and offer to others off the highway) while we searched for gas stations.  I came home feeling lucky and loved by my family.  What more could I ask for from a family vacation.?

P.S. - I did, however, find myself hoping I DIDN'T win the VA Lottery I bought a ticket for while I was there, because I didn't want to have to drive back there to claim a prize.  I guess that is a good sign of road trip exhaustion: when you find yourself saying "I hope I didn't win thousands or millions of dollars because that would meam more driving!" LOL. 

P.P.S - I was also surprised to find that I actually lost weight on the trip while I ate the same calories and had less exercise for a whole week!  Bonus.  I am taking this as an indicator that maybe my intake of calories needs to go up a little now that I'm back on the high activity horse.  And happy to be done with my first stall!

Bariatric Betty has new pictures!

OK, this is a composite I made of pictures from me pre-op (20 pounds lost), 1 month post-op (total of 40 pounds lost), and 4 months post-op (total of 77 pounds lost).

Per my 11 year old son, looking over my shoulder "You look better!"  Thanks, honey. 

We started week 2 of Couch to 5K training today and it kicked things up a notch.  I was definitely sweating more than I was on the last two workouts.  We just increased the length of time we jog/ walk by 30 seconds each - but when you were only jogging 60 seconds at a time and that changes to 90 seconds, you notice! 

One of the surprise benefits of training with my boys is that we are getting positive feedback from community members observing us at the Rec Center.  Twice now people have asked if I'm their coach to which I've replied "I'm Coach Mom".  Then they've gone on to talk about how cool it is to see a family doing something like this together, how healthy it is, etc.  That's fun to hear, but it's even better for my sons to hear.  My younger son is the more reluctant participant of our group, but even he is finding it fun at times - he starts doing funny little sideways steps while jogging to make us laugh, or seeing how fast he can make his finger bounce against the railing while we're jogging (by applying just enough pressure he can make it vibrate/ skip so fast that it looks superhuman-fast).  Not to mention singing along to "We are the Champions" by Queen as we finished our last reps today. 

Since they pushed through the new level so well today I took them out to one of their favorite places - it has go karts, bumper cars, bumper boats, inflatables, and more.  They had a blast (and I got to take a break and read a little) so it was a win-win for everybody.  This is a picture from the first day we started training.  I look forward to comparing that to a picture of us when we finish our first 5K!

Bariatric Betty Apologizes and has big news!

First, as all of my readers have no doubt noticed, I have monetized my blog with AdSense.  This is an experiment that may not continue.  I was very upset to see ads for some oral substance that is being advertised as a substitute for gastric bypass on my page.  I have gone into my ad settings to block pharmaceuticals/ medicine ads (as well as some other objectionable things) and hope that I can get it blocked on my page.  I do not want my blog to serve to advertise any FDA approved medicines, let alone NON-FDA approved ones.  Meanwhile, if you see something objectionable popping up on my blog's ads, please let me know so I can continue to tweak the controls.  I was hoping for ads for things like workout equipment, clothing, etc.  I apologize for this sorting-things-out period.  If it proves too difficult to restrict the types of ads on here, I will drop the AdSense stuff altogether.

Now, on to other news.  DRUM ROLL PLEASE......

Bariatric Betty is no longer obese!  I have hit a new goal; having a BMI below 30 - and now fall into the "overweight" category instead of "obese" (or previously "morbidly obese").  I have lost 77 pounds total (47 since surgery) and I am hoping to lose another 20 - 30 pounds.  Right now I have lost what my surgeon determined to be 52% of my excess body weight since the day of surgery.  I will NOT be going down to 123 pounds (ideal weight based on those same calculations) - neither my surgeon or I think that would be reasonable to aim for.  My goal is to get to between 140 - 150 pounds and stay there.  That will put me into a BMI between 25 and 26, which is still officially overweight.  Given the muscle gain I anticipate, my extra skin, and my build, I think that is actually a healthy weight and is one that my doctors think would be great as well. 

This brings up another tool I have started to use.  A body fat loss monitor.  As I become more muscular I wanted to have additional things (other than a scale) to give me empirical measurements to measure my progress.  I have been using a tape measure to track changes in my size, but wanted something else.  So I got a monitor that had good reviews and have begun measuring myself.  Right now I am on the "normal setting" instead of "athlete" (although that will be changing) and my body fat percentage is 36.2%.  For my age and sex they suggest normal is 24-33.9.  So my next goal will be to reduce my body fat percentage to 33.9 or less!

One of the ways I am working to achieve this is by starting Couch to 5K training (see www.couch25k.com  ).  I was very nervous about this - never having been able to run before.  I have bad knees that have "popped out" several times in my teens resulting in knee braces and long periods on crutches.  However, my leg muscles are super strong after all the walking I've been doing, so when I heard about other non-runner WLS patients trying this program I thought I would give it a shot.  My job as a monitor at my son's elementary school was great exercise, adding 5000 steps a day to my totals on average.  Now I am unemployed over the summer and needed to find a replacement for all that 2 hours of walking M-F.  Also, I wanted my kids to be more active and thought "How cool would it be to be able to jog a 5K race as a family?"  So last Friday my boys and I started the 3 times a week training.  So far it has consisted of 5 minutes of brisk walking followed by alternating 60 seconds of jogging and 90 seconds of walking for the next 20 minutes.  I was pleasantly surprised to find that this was not hard for me.  I don't even start to sweat for the first 10 minutes of jog/ walk alternating.  Of course, I'm not jogging FAST - that hurts my knees.  My jog is probably about 4 mph (hmmm, I should check that on a treadmill) with my feet staying close to the ground to minimize impact. 

The first day was difficult emotionally because my 9 year old son was throwing a tantrum almost the entire time.  He doesn't enjoy most changes to his routine.  Add hot weather and flying bugs buzzing around his head (a major fear of his) and he was in tears for about half the training, but he also found out that I meant business - we ARE going to do this.  A little carrot-and-stick later, yesterday we did the 2nd training day (inside on a track at our rec center - a/c and no bugs!) and he came through like a champ.  My 11 year old son is totally on board and enjoying himself.  The program is 9 weeks long (although it will take us 10 weeks because of a upcoming vacation to Colonial Williamsburg) and then we should be able to jog a 5K!  I'm aiming for a Komen Race for the Cure in September in Cleveland, but might do something else if I can find one sooner. 

We've also been going to the pool and local waterpark a lot.  That brought up a need - a swimsuit that fit!  I tried ordering a size 16 petite that I hoped would work, but my bottom half is so much smaller that the suit was flopping around and providing WAY to much of a view of my nether-regions.  I ended up spending over an hour trying on various Land's End tankini combinations and found that my correct size was an 18 top with a size 10 bottom.  Yeah, it's kind of obnoxious.  I know most women are not perfectly proportional, but for the guys out there, imagine if one of your legs was only 1/2 - 2/3 the size of the other and then trying to find jeans that fit.  This was something I didn't deal with as much when I was larger - my waist was much bigger and I looked more proportional (although obese and unhealthy).  But this is how I was created, so as long as I don't get plastic surgery I have left the land of one piece swimsuits for good.  :( 

This is a good time to remind myself that losing weight doesn't bring the body you want - it brings the body you have been given.  It's up to you to make peace with that body and accept it.  I will embrace any body that allows me to live longer and be healthy & active with my family. 

Bariatric Betty; an ice cube with NSVs

NSVs?  That's short-hand for Non-scale victories.  Something that shows you are doing well on your weight loss other than watching the number on the scales go down.  They are important, because sometimes the number on the scale stops changing, sometimes for weeks at a time, and you need to have something telling you that what you are doing is working. 

My first NSV is that I have become a human ice cube.  Morbidly obese people who lose a lot of weight (through bariatric surgery or otherwise) tend to become cold.  Permanently.  That's OK, really, because as a morbidly obese person, we used to be permanently hot.  And sweaty.  At least when you are cold you can bundle up.  When you're hot, there are only so many layers you can take off and still be legal in public, and even less layers you can take off and feel comfortable about how you're dressed - so you just end up sweating a lot, which is embarassing.  So it's day 16 and three days ago I started to realized not only am I not feeling hot anymore, I'm cold.  Especially after walking my dog outside (well bundled up) in 35 - 40 degree weather.  I have to come home, take a hot shower, get dressed warmly and then bundle up with blankets to get warmer.  Woo-hoo!  I feel like I've crossed a border into a different country.  After surgery I was still at least constantly warm, and was wondering when I would get my chill on - and it finally happened!

Second NSV:  my raincoat.  I have a beautiful magenta trenchcoat and it has been raining a lot this week.  We haven't had a lot of snow this winter, and now the rain is setting in.  The neat thing was that I hadn't worn my raincoat for a couple months, and when I put it on I realized how loose it was!   Loose like, after I buttoned it I realized I had about 6 extra inches of fabric that I used to fill.  Even greater comparison - last spring it was TIGHT. 

Third NSV:  my (perceived) mood.  My husband is thrilled, because he says I'm in such a great mood every time he comes home now.  He said it's wonderful, that he can't believe how even-keeled I am.  I laughed the first time he said it, because it's not how I've been feeling.  I explained that I'm still feeling emotional and easily irritated, but I've been trying to make sure I don't bite anyone's head off because they won't stop making that knocking sound, etc.  So I guess my NSV is that I'm better at controlling my reactions, and my husband appreciates it.

My biggest challenge this week has probably been the idea of being with people other than my family.  I went to my son's school for the first time in a couple months yesterday and really had to take a moment before I went in to prepare myself.  I expected people would notice a difference in how I looked, and they did.  I got several complements, which was nice.  But I was preparing myself for the potential negatives: the reaction that some people have when they hear someone had bariatric surgery.  The "Oh, you cheated" look or comments.  I do not have a problem with confrontation, and I anticipate that I will be educating a LOT of people over the next years about how hard it is, not just committing yourself to the surgery but the how you have to live for the rest of your life after the surgery.  My goal is to do this nicely (i.e. without telling people they are ignorant and cruel for making negative comments) and without going on for a half an hour ;)  But now that I'm starting to see people other than my neighbors and immediate family I know that it will happen.  Luckily, it didn't happen yesterday :)   I also had a very strong reaction because my husband's extended family wanted to invite us over for lunch this weekend.  Lunch?  As in eating?  I can't DO that.  I don't eat real food yet.  And even if I brought my own food, I don't know how I would react to the smell of everyone else's cooked food (let us not forget my sudden nausea at the smell of edamame cooking with soy sauce, ewwww).  And then the definite possibility of getting the "foamies" (a pre-curser to vomitting that happens to WLS patients when their pouch decided not to respond positively to whatever they're trying to consume and they start to salivate quickly).  I don't want them to see that.  I'm not ready for people to watch me eat (other than my immediate family, that is).  Getting a sense of the anxiety that started to build up?  I'm sure I sounded like a babbling fool as I tried to deal with an invite politely over the phone, and eventually said "I don't know if that would work, maybe we could stop by after lunch".    Yeah, that's it.  Now if I could get rid of all the stuff before that, it sounds perfectly fine, right?

So I go in to my surgeon's office for my 3 week post-op appointment next week, and I'm excited.  I think I'm doing pretty well sticking to the plan, and my weight loss is now about 15 pounds since surgery, about 45 pounds since the beginning.  I'm hoping I can get permission/ blessings to start using my elliptical a little, and maybe do some lightweight free-weight training for my upper body.  I still get some pulling from my stitches, but it's a lot better and less frequent now.  I'm not supposed to be doing real exercising until 6 weeks post-op, but I feel like I'm wasting an opportunity, and I'm watching my arms starting to shrink and droop skin and I know that toning would help.  This next week I will also be switching to more puree/ less protein shake supplements.  The rule is that if I can get down 50 grams of protein or more from my purees I should stop drinking the shakes.  I'm planning on making that happen by adding unflavored whey protein to some of the purees to boost the protein levels.  I will also be beginning the rule that will apply for the rest of my life:  no drinking with meals.  I will not be drinking liquid 15 minutes before and 60 minutes after meals so that when my 1/4-to-1/2 cup of meals are in my stomach they are not washed through, thus making me hungry again sooner.  Other than helping us feel "full" it also gives our body the chance to start to absorb the nutrients better.  Since we can only sip (not gulp) liquids now, we need to consciously try to sip frequently in all of our allowed time slots to prevent dehydration.  Whew - big week ahead! 

Bariatric Betty's a Hot Mess

Day 7, which means I had surgery 8 days ago, because in bariatric world, you count the days from the first day you drank liquid.  Things have been going smooth - and it sort of feels like the calm before the storm.  Like when your kids have been playing quietly together in the other room and suddenly you realize that it's TOO quiet and know that they are up to something.  Or I'm paranoid.  Could be either.

I'm drinking at least 64 ounces of fluid a day.  The liquid is mostly water (hot or cold), Crystal Light, and Syntrax Nectar Protein drinks.  Twice I've had hot Cream of Mushroom Soup (strained through a sieve) and it was a nice change.  I'm drinking at least two protein shakes a day, which is actually the goal for the second week, which starts tomorrow.  Cool.  I've lost 6.4 pounds according to my home scale, which I think is friggin' fantastic!  I was prepared to barely lose anything the first week because of all the fluid retention from surgery. 

I'm surprised at how few problems I'm having.  Other than occasionally gulping when there is no room in my pouch for gulps, everything goes down easily.  Nothing I've drank has made my stomach upset - although I did find out that the smell of cooking edamame with soy sauce is NAUSEATING.  My husband has been wonderful, and only went back to work for a full day today.  The boys are helping pitch in, especially my 11 year old.  My eight year old switches between being helpful and being upset that Mommy isn't doing her normal stuff.  If it's his idea to take the dog outside, he's proud to help.  If I ask, he might get ticked and throw a blanket over his head until he says quietly "I don't want to".  He's also been acting out more at school, but change is hard for everyone.  It doesn't mean his acting out is OK, but I know where he's coming from.

Because as much as I am a glowing success physically, I'm a hot mess inside.  What started as weird dreams definitely influenced by my pain control medicine, I realize now is a accurate picture of the psychological landscape inside my head.  My dreams have repeatedly involved someone (a friend, a realtor, etc) pointing out that I've left something a mess - lots of clutter, childhood toys, some things my mom dropped off when she downsized that I had no purpose for.  Sometimes they're in my house, sometimes I have apparently left them at a friend's house sometime in the past, and she's nicely saying "Ummm, you need to come get these out of here.  Now." 

It's fascinating, because as I realized in the middle of the night last night, it's kind of like as my fat is being burned off by my body it's almost like I'm remembering aspects of what made me put it on there in the first place.  Like a beach eroding and showing old trash (maybe treasure?).  Feeling embarrassed - ate extra servings of pasta.  Felt like a failure at keeping the house up - ate some ice cream.  Felt proud of my baking skills - made extra cookie dough to make cookies for friends, but then snacked on the dough.  Felt noticed and unsafe - ate more of anything so that nobody would make advances or threaten me.  These are all real feelings, and ones that I've prepared myself will NOT be hidden under fat anymore, and the weird thing is, I'm not feeling them now.  I'm feeling the MEMORIES of them, and they're coming out in my dreams. 

Of course, in the middle of the last night, I didn't FEEL like that.  I felt miserable.  I wrote all of the above like it was about some other person - clinical, removed - but it's about MY past, which affects my current feelings.  My current feelings include feeling proud of doing exactly what the doctors said - liking stepping on the scale.  Being impressed with myself for getting all my fluids and protein in - telling people how well I'm doing.  But it also includes feeling guilty because I can't take my dog for long walks like we used to. Can't even do short ones, really, because when he pulls on the leash it could affect my stitches and cause a hernia.  So I have his sad eyes (and bored chewing teeth) looking at me all day (and destroying every pen or marker her can find).  Feeling guilty because I can't empty the trash, or have enough energy to even just go with the family to the Rec Center (just sitting once we get there).  Feeling impotent as a mom, because I have to keep myself off the painkillers all day to be able to drive to the store to get some fresh fruits and vegetables for the rest of the family.  Then being too sore to lay down and cuddle my son goodnight.  And while housekeeping isn't normally my greatest stregth, knowing that I can't take a load of laundry downstairs to get it started, or bring one up yet means that I'm watching the laundry pile grow. 

Luckily, I've got my husband, who patiently listens to me in the middle of the night while I explain these feelings.  While I tell him that I feel super hormonal like PMS brought a friend, and that it's only by sheer willpower that I'm not biting people's heads off when I'm slightly irritated.  And that I know that some of these over-emotional mood swings are normal for post-ops, because THANK GOD I've been reading posts from so many others who have had he surgery over the past 5 months.  So I know I'm not really going crazy (crazier).  I know it's temporary.  And I know that if I keep doing what I'm supposed to do, I will stabilize and continue my success. 

I'm so thankful my husband and friends are willing to listen (especially my husband who loses sleep doing it).  Because talking is helpful, at least for that moment.  It let's me get back to sleep.  Or stop feeling like crying.  And get back to work following the Rules, working the plan.  And blogging all about this, because it is feeling cathartic, too.

I want to start working out, and maximizing this "window of opportunity".  I won't until the doctors clear me, but I think about it A LOT.  I want to stop taking any painkillers, but I know that if I push myself too hard I end up hurting and unable to do anything.  So I'm praying for patience.  I'm asking my kids for understanding.  And I'm looking at my dog and telling him I love him even thought he's not getting the exercise he needs, and giving him a new chew toy.  This too shall pass.  I'm thankful for the gift of this tool, for my family, for my friends, and for all the prayers that have been said for me.  I look forward to paying it forward.

Bariatric Betty gets the call, just in time.

First, a warning, there is a rant coming...
A lot of things happened this week, starting this weekend.  I took the family to a local apple orchard where we got to pick our own apples.  It was a beautiful sunny day, my waistline is smaller than it's been in a year thanks to my increased exercising and decreased after dinner snacks, and I felt great.  Most of the best apples were high up on the tree, so after sending my older son to climb up a couple of times, I left him on one tree and climbed another next to it.  My younger son was with me and I climbed up about three or four feet and started picking.  When I came down I was pretty pleased with myself until I saw my older son stomping towards me. 

It turned out he had overheard a family laughing at me, saying "I bet that branch is going to break with that fat lady on it".  He was trying hard to restrain himself from going and starting a fight.  My younger son looked like he wanted to cry.  The family had moved on, and I steered us into another part of the orchard.  It's not the first time my weight has been made fun of, but that hurt my kids.  Try explaining that some insecure people are going to always find something to make fun of other people about - and that it's not worth getting mad over.  Not a fun discussion.  I tried to make light of it by saying "at least next year there will be less of me for people to make fun of..."

Here's the truth.  I feel horrible.  My kids had to hear people laughing at me.  And it is those cruel people who are responsible for their pain.  But I have to take responsibility for being a target.  I know that I'm working on losing weight.  I know I don't deserve to be made fun of.  But I also know that there are ways that you attract the wrong sort of attention and if I had already lost the weight, they probably wouldn't have sad anything this weekend.  Of course, they might have made comments about my chest, or my clothes or anything else, but something about being overweight paints a neon target sign on people.  Don't they think I would be thin if it was easy?  I know that most thin people don't understand the difficulty of losing a signifigant amount of weight (and keeping it off) when you're obese.  That over 85% of us either don't succeed in the first place, or gain it back.  And some people think that having a gastric bypass is "the easy way" to lose weight.  They don't understand that I'll still be on a restricted diet for the REST OF MY LIFE.  That I will never be able to eat as many calories as a naturally thin person.  My body will not stay a healthy weight if I eat like they do. 

I read a quote from an actress recently that talked about how she easily lost weight for a role recently.  She said "you just have to want it enough, eat less, and exercise more".  She went from being skinny to being underweight for the role.  Does she realize that she gained the weight she lost back, too?  For her, that was healthy, but I'm sure she was relieved to stop feeling hungry.  I'm happy for people who can eat the proper amount of food and feel satisfied and stay a healthy weight.  But my brain doesn't work like theirs, my metabolism doesn't work like theirs, and I'm always tired because I'm carrying around 100 extra pounds.  It's not easy.  Don't people like that understand that we wouldn't subject ourselves to lifelong dieting and surgery if there was any other way that we had found to make it work???

So when I spoke to Diane, my Patient Advocate at Hospital C for the rest of my life, on Tuesday it couldn't have come at a better time.  She recommended that I see a P.A. (physician's assistant) at a health services center nearby because he does a fabulous job documenting medically supervised weight loss for the insurance company, I called and made an appointment.  I meet him later today.

I also returned the elliptical I bought at Walmart for $200.  It was wobbly and having problems with the LCD screen and starting to make louder thumping noises when I used it, so I got a full refund.  Luckily, I found a used Nordic Track elliptical for $150 through craigslist, and bought it.  So now I have a better elliptical that was more affordable and I am back on it daily!  90 days from now, I should be able to get pre-certified approval for the surgery from my insurance company.  I'm on track, and not looking back.