Hello darkness, my old friend... and heading back to the light

It's been a few months since I blogged, and for all the new WLS friends out there, when I go radio silent that usually means I'm struggling.  At 2 1/2 years post-op and having surpassed my goal, I'm dealing with some weight regain.  6 pounds from my set-point, 9 pounds from my all-time low.

How did that happen?  I stopped jogging, maybe only doing it once a month.  Still getting in lots of steps, but doing less cardio has a consequence. I started grazing - mostly eating things I shouldn't (carbs) or don't need to (peanut butter), and mostly when I'm preparing food for others, but not always.

Why?  Stress and old habits.  There have been lots of stressors - but we all have them, and mine weren't particularly horrible (nobody died, nobody lost their job, my husband is very lovable).  I came off my 5 day pouch test feeling great, and that lasted a couple of weeks.  Then we had the stress of my father-in-law's health declining some more and the resulting anxiety that brought upon my husband.  And getting my son prepared for some very difficult testing - in that last month I baked like a fiend to reduce my stress, but instead of giving it all away I nibbled at some of it (just in small enough doses not to dump, like any addict learns to avoid the crash).   The testing went well, and all of the stress was worth it, BTW, but I HAVE to remember I have other coping mechanisms I should use.

Then I started looking into a new direction for myself - a new career, starting with a Master's program in School Counseling.  It's very exciting, and it set off a roller coaster of emotions.  The principal and guidance counselor I work with think it's a great idea and will write recommendations for me - Whee!  Up I go... Finding out my undergrad GPA was even lower than I remembered - crap.  Taking a practice GRE was painful but assured me that I could meet the requirements with room to spare - yay!  Realizing that the idea of my going back to school part-time was freaking out my husband and increasing his anxiety and depression - ouch.  Talking that through with him over our anniversary and having that reverse into his full (albeit still typically anxious) support - whew.  Realizing I could take the 1 hour MAT instead of the 4 1/2 hour GRE was good, and then when I took it and got stellar results was WONDERFUL.  Now my applications are turned in, and I'm just waiting - for the recommendations to get turned in, the transcripts to arrive, and the decisions to get made at the two different programs... and waiting is hard. I'm settling in for about 2 months of it.

Last week I started with the mental tweaking.  I changed my Facebook profile pic to the one of me about to do the triathalon I did in March.  I needed the daily reminder of what I can accomplish.  I reconnected with some old friends that I haven't visited in a while.

The last two days I have been making better choices.  I've eaten clean, surpassed my step goal, and yesterday I jogged 25 minutes and felt good.  I've reminded myself that I can manage my stress in healthy ways now.  Now I just have to re-establish the habit.  The scale hasn't started moving back down yet, but it will.  And when I'm thinking about baking, I'm back to asking myself - are you wanting to bake for a good reason, or because you want to eat the cookie dough?

I also found a new fun way to enjoy my jogging (especially good when our weather has been so stormy).  I've been taking my Kindle Fire to the gym and setting it up on the treadmill so I can watch movies/ shows while I work out and my kids play.  It's a great distraction, and yesterday I was actually looking forward to it so I could finish the movie I started the other day.  Anything that works, baby.

I'm feeling like I'm training for a race, but unlike my 5ks or triathalons, this one is the ultra-marathon of life.  I need to build up my endurance, because there is always stuff to endure.  Starting something new is exciting, but the challenges will come and I have to be strong enough to meet them.  To prepare myself physically and mentally.  To know when to ask for help and support.  To keep my priorities in order.

The journey goes on, one step and one day at a time.  It's easier on days I get a good sleep.  And more fun some days than others.  But I have the tools, and I can do this for the rest of my life.  We stumble, we fall down, but we pick ourselves up and get back up stronger and wiser.  All the other WLS vets out there - if you are struggling you are not alone.  If you are doing well - share!  We could all use reminders of success for inspiration.  

Naked girls, Head Hunger, and Ups and Downs

I haven't written for a while - I've felt like I've been treading water a lot since graduation.  Not specifically with my weight loss, just juggling a lot of family things.  Anyway, the news blackout ends today thanks to my 10 year old son!

My son has apraxia (a motor planning disorder) and aphasia (a language disorder that makes it hard to find/ understand common words sometimes).  I mention this because when he wants to discuss something, it's often something that he's been thinking about for a while and trying to figure out how to say it.  As a result, he comes up with some thoughts you wouldn't expect to hear from a 10 year old, and today was one of those days. 

I was driving him to a birthday party and Miley Cyrus was singing "Wrecking Ball" on the radio.  For those of you lucky enough not to know this, Miley is a 21 year old former Disney star who is desperately trying to shake the Disney-good-girl image and swung naked on a wrecking ball for video for this song.  So, out of nowhere, my son starts this conversation.

Him: "Mom, you know, I think Miley is pushing it too far."
Me: *Chuckle* "Yeah, I think you're right."
Him: "I mean, she's just pushing it to far.  I have a hypothesis. You know, boys like to see naked girls."
Me: "Okay"
Him: "But I think, really, that truly boys want to see girls not."
Me: "Oh, you mean not naked?  That they would like to see them with clothes on."
Him: "Yeah.  That's better.  It's kind of like with you, Mom.  Your brain tells you that you want to eat some frosting.  But you really don't because you know it will make you feel bad.  And it's kind of like that for boys."

Yup, my 10 year old just summed up Head Hunger and hypothesized that it's the same as boys thinking they want to see naked girls.

Oh, and he explained that they were talking about hypotheses at school, but that he had already learned it from watching The Big Bang Theory.  That's my boy.

So what's been going on otherwise.  Well, one thing that hasn't been going on is my jogging.  I'm still getting in 10,000 to 15,000 steps a day, but I haven't jogged more than a couple minutes in a few months.  I haven't signed up for any 5ks for about 6 months.  So is it being lazy?  Yes, that's part of it.  I haven't been motivated to pick up the pace much. 

I do have a couple valid excuses that make it easier to justify walking.  One is our new rescue dog who is 5 pounds and part Chihuahua.  He just can't run fast/ far.  It took a while to build up his endurance to even being able to walk over a mile.  Now that it's freezing out, he also can't be outside for long.

Sharing some personal health and potential TMI (feel free to skip to the next paragraph) - another is my rectocele problem.  Apparently I'm now experiencing pelvic organ prolapse, which means that things aren't suspended in my pelvis the way they used to be.  Sometimes that causes pressure that is a little uncomfortable, and is continuing to cause some difficulties in voiding bowel movements.  In addition to that, it causes occasional incontinence, which is often brought on by bouncing (like jogging).  Now there is a way around this - I can do my best to void ahead of time and not drink a lot before jogging, and wear a pad or something to catch leakage... I've talked to my doctor and she says she's ready to refer me to a surgeon anytime, but that it won't cause any harm for me to wait as long as none of my internal parts start permanently protruding externally, and it's not causing me actual pain.  Neither of those things are happening.  I know I will have to have the surgery at some point, but I'm just not looking forward to it, so I'm postponing it for now.

So what affect is this decrease in activity intensity having?  My weight remains stable, but I have lost some muscle tone.  That means I must have also gained a couple pounds of fat in exchange, but I'm not bothered by it.  I'm wearing the same sizes, and I use my weight stability as a measure.  I've been baking like a fiend for the holidays, and for 99% of the time I have done remarkably well in not tasting the things I bake.  I have more temptations with everyday things in the house, but tend to see any change in my daily weigh-in as a reminder to "Eat Clean, D**n It!".  I have decreased my daily intake to match my lower calorie burning.  Seems to be working, but if I started to see creep on the scale, it would definitely be a motivator.  Maybe I will start swimming laps again... no bouncing there!

I have been feeling an overwhelming sense  of gratitude most days - gratitude that I'm healthy, that I have the energy my family needs from me, that my family is safe and happy and whole.  As we come into the holidays I'm reminded of people who don't have these things.  The anniversary of the Sandy Hook shooting is another reminder.  I decided to do the 26 Acts of Kindness again this year, inspired by the Sandy Hook families.  I'm getting the whole family involved, having them help think of things we can do other than waiting for opportunities to present themselves.  I don't just want to buy something or donate money, I want to do things that make somebody's life a little easier or bring them a smile.  I also think it helps keep us focused on others during this season of rampant consumerism.  Don't think I'm preaching or trying to be an inspiration, I've got a closet full of Santa's surprises that I'll be paying the bill for this month.  I'm just trying to balance that out a little :)

I hope all of you will find smiles of your own, and hopefully getting to spend some quality time with the ones you love this month.  I hope you all had a Happy Hanukkah, have a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year!
 

Bariatric Betty's races vs. the Boston Marathon

Boston.

Well, everything I wanted to write about pales in comparison to Boston.  I was going to write about ending up winning my age group in the triathlon because I was the ONLY woman in my age group.  To remind us all to try, because you are a winner just for trying - sometimes literally.  I was going to write about feeling proud doing a 5k Sunday where I shaved 3 minutes off my first 5k time, and loving that some of my WLS support group came and did the fun walk, too.  Enough about that.

Instead I would like to talk about inspiration.  Goodness.  Humanity.  Faith.

..."So when you spot violence, or bigotry, or intolerance or fear, or just garden-variety misogyny, hatred or ignorance, just look it in the eye and think "the good outnumber you, and we always will." - Patton Oswalt

I had no idea who Patton Oswalt was before yesterday, but right now his thinking about this is right up there to me with Fred Roger's quote:

 "When I was a boy and would see scary things on the news, my mother would say to me, "Look for the helpers.  You will always find people who are helping."

In every horrible accident, or natural disaster, or act of terrorism you can look and see the good.  The people who run to help, who give of what they have to help others.  Who risk their lives.  Who make sacrifices, small and large.  These acts of bravery and humanity inspire me and others.  I love hearing about them and would like to use my blog today to talk about some of the ones I have heard about since the explosions in Boston. 

First - I have heard numerous complements of the first responders: the police, paramedics, and fire fighters. Numerous witnesses have said how quickly and smoothly they seemed to respond.  The policies, drills, and procedures that they and area hospitals have prepared for seem to have paid off. Bravo, and thank you to all first responders.  We are so thankful for your selflessness.

Second - All of the everyday people who ran to help others.  Carlos Arredondo, the father of a fallen soldier who was there to pass out flags ended up pinching an artery of a victim closed while she was evacuated.  The husband who ran into a clothing store and helped make tourniquets for two victims, only one of whom was his wife.  And yet another named "Matt" who did the same for a 17 year old girl.  Another person only known as "Sgt. Tyler" helped move and calm down another victim, showing her his own shrapnel scars to reassure her she could heal.  The little girl who decorated bags that her mom filled with food and toiletries with hopeful messages of love to hand out to people in need.  All the other un-named heroes who picked up and carried the wounded. The restaurant owners who opened their doors, grill, and refrigerators to the runners - not to mention making chargers and phones available so that they could contact their loved ones.  The neighbors along the route who took in runners and people from out of town, providing dry/ warm clothes and other necessities.  The runner and his wife, who upon seeing another racer sobbing on the ground in relief after locating her loved one by phone, asked "Did you finish?" and when she shook her head no, gave her his medal and said "You're a finisher to me".  The runners who continued running to get to the hospital and donate blood.  The Yankee fans who sang for Boston during the game last night. 

We are waiting to hear who is a suspect.  Are they American?  Why did they do this, what could their justification possibly be?  Did they act alone, or was this an attack planned by an organized group?

These are of course, important questions.  But where he or they come from is not as important as knowing that there are far more good people on earth, ready to help a stranger in need, than there are people who want to harm a stranger for whatever demented reason they can imagine. 

Three people have died, and that is a great tragedy.  So is the car bomb in Iraq yesterday that led to five people dying.  What is the difference?  Here in the United States we like to assume that we are safe from random acts of violence.  We have learned the phrase "see something - say something", so we assume that bombs will not explode next to us.  If we have drills, caring staff, and locked doors at our children's schools, we assume that school violence won't happen there.  The reality is that our society can never be 100% safe, no matter how many laws or how many guns there are.  And the bombs in Boston (like the murders in Newtown) shatter the illusion of safety, and require us to face that fact. Something that people in Iraq, Libya, Israel, and countless other countries around the world accepted long ago.  Does that make our tragedy in Boston worse than one in Iraq?  No, but it explains why one dominates our consciousness.

When tragedy occurs, I cling to two things.  One is a concept my husband taught me from computer/ IT security.  No system is impermeable, unhackable, or safe for all eternity.  As soon as you might declare something safe, it issues a challenge to anyone who wants to prove you wrong.  However, you can put up enough protection to block random pings, frustrate amateur hackers by making them jump through hoops and run into dead ends, and alert you to real threats - and that's probably the best thing.  The same thing applies to safety in the real world. 

The other is my faith.  My faith in humanity and kindness.  That people are naturally caring, helpful and responsible.  That for every evil committed there are hundreds if not thousands of kindnesses.  My faith in God means that I accept that I can't understand a reason why a sweet eight year old boy died along with two other innocent women in Boston; to me it doesn't mean that God wanted them to die.  It means that humans are intelligent (and sometimes crazy) beings with free will, which can include the will to commit murder.  But my faith in a higher power leads me to believe that something good will come out of this tragedy, which I may never personally know.  Maybe someone who did survive that horror will contribute to discovering the cure for cancer, or someone who watched the coverage will be inspired and find a way to restart the middle east peace process, or maybe someone will remember Martin Richard when they're driving and keep a close eye out for the kid who darts into the street so they can stop in time.  To me the goodness of humanity and God work together, helping us become better.  Not always good enough, but better.