Bariatric Betty gets psyched out

The mind is a very powerful weapon, no doubt about it.  This last week was a good reminder of that.

First, I had a moment of clarity on Tuesday.  I went to step on the scale like I usually do most days, and had to turn it right side up first. The kids and dog had flipped it over the night before.  I waited a minute for it to recalibrate and then stepped on.  142.3 pounds!  Whoa.  That meant I had lost over 100 pounds from my highest!  I lost over 100 pounds!  Whoa.  I really didn't expect that.  Especially since I was 146 yesterday... wait.  I was 146 yesterday.  OK, occasionally I have a couple pounds of water weight that come off/ go on in 24 hours, but 4 pounds difference???  I stepped of and let it recalibrate again.  147.2.  Huh.  Recalibrate again.  147.2.  Darn.  So apparently it didn't recalibrate after I turned it over the first time and that was a big ol' "Psych!" from the universe.  But you know what, it wasn't that bad.  I've been telling myself that losing a solid hundred would be cool, but that I'm very happy with my 97 pound lost, and if I lose more it's bonus.  The great thing was, I proved to myself that I'm not selling myself a lie.  I felt proud before I stepped on the scale that morning, and I felt proud after I found out the first reading was wrong.  Slight less excited about blogging this week - that was going to be a fun post title - but I wasn't upset.  Yay!  My head is still screwed on right. 

Wednesday I ran 3.1 miles in the afternoon to continue to prepare for the 5k Jingle Bell Run I will be running December 9th in Cleveland.  I'm so excited about running my first 5k, and feel good that actually jogging the whole thing is something I can handle (barring the unforseen, that is).  I'm jogging at least 3 miles twice a week now, and shorter distances a couple other time a week.  So far my hip/ bursitis isn't bad.

Thursday was a rough day.  My job as a monitor at the elementary school has changed a bit.  I work with an autistic kindergartener one-on-one for the first half now, and then the third grade classes for the second half.  I miss working with the whole group of kindergartners and first graders, but I do enjoy helping my charge.   Most times.  Not Thursday.  Thursday was a full blown tantrum-all-day kind of day.  I really feel for him.  He's very bright - a kindergartner who can read at what I would say is a 1-2 grade level. But he just started speaking a year ago and his articulation/ intelligibilty is pretty poor.  That makes things very frustrating because many times people can't understand him and that can lead to tantrums.  Add to that his sensory integration issues - getting over stimulated by noise, light, textures... the poor guy has a lot to deal with.  His mind is constantly getting in the way of him learning and enjoying his peers.  That doesn't excuse tantrums, but helps me let go of my frustration in dealing with them.  It's my job to help him handle situations so that 1) he can avoid getting so frustrated that he loses control and 2) help him learn how to take control of himself and cope with challenges.  By the end of my time with him I helped him write an apology note to the people he upset throwing things around, and he apologized to me as well.

Thursday night I was working on frosting my famous candy cane cookies.  I started baking them earlier this week and haven't struggled with sneaking cookie dough or anything.  But that night was a different situation.  You see, the candy cane cookies get dipped in a peppermint glaze and then sprinkled with red sugar stripes.  The problem is that when you dip 100 cookies, you get glaze on your fingers over and over again.  And a couple of times I licked my fingers.  And then a couple more.  I finally stopped myself and stopped glazing for the night.  I didn't eat enough to make me dump, but I craved that sugar!  Not good. 

First victory - I stopped glazing when I realized what I was doing.  Second victory - I logged the glaze on my food diary.  For those of you who started reading recently, I had a horrible moment of self-realization back in my pre-op days when I found myself lying on the food diary.  To myself.  Who was the ONLY ONE who would be reading my food log.  Seriously, how warped is that?  I didn't want to say I ate a cookie, so I had recorded 1 apple, 1 biscuit/ roll, and 1 tablespoon of butter.  Lying to myself was a real low.  I had already turned in my food log for approval for surgery, and there was nobody to impress...  It was a real eye-opener of how warped my mind could be.  But not this time.  I logged it! 

Final victory - I told my husband about my poor choice and the next day I finished glazing the cookies without making the same mistakes.  I invited my kids and then my husband to come in the kitchen with me while I did it so I knew I had accountability other than myself.  I needed to talk to my husband anyway - and he was worried about my slipping up the night before and wanting to be supportive, so it worked out well for both of us. 

I'm not perfect - and never will be, but I will continue to succeed because I HAVE TO.  This is a committment I have made to myself and my family.  I will remain healthy.  My kids and husband are willing to live with less (or no) cookies if neccesary, and I am thankful for their support. 

Our mind can be our best defense and our worst enemy.  And for those friends who read this blog and have not had weight loss surgery, that is why those of us who are surgically altered tend to get militant about how we're eating and our routines - because we know that we have tendencies to get out of control, and we've already risked our life to get healthy.  That little bit of sugar made me crave sugar for the next 4 days.  So I won't be sending care packages of cookies to my out of town friends this year because I'm not making as much as I used to.  But I know you love me anyway :) 
 

Bariatric Betty meets with her surgeon, babbles, and bakes

Whew!  This last week was super busy, and the biggest best news was that I had my first appointment with my surgeon on Thursday.  Unfortunately, he was delayed by surgery, but that's fine with me - I would want him to take his time if it was me on the table!  That's how he keeps his complication rates so low.  Anyway, I got to chat with some other women who were waiting for their first appointments in the waiting room, so it was a win-win. 

He was incredibly friendly, open, and gave me as much time as I wanted to talk about the procedure and answer questions for me.  He says that he think that the RNY (rous-en-Y) gastric bypass is a great choice for me, and that just by the questions I asked he's sure I'm going to do well.  I was so nervous until he said that (like my systolic BP was 35 higher than normal, nervous).  He laughed and said they do that to everyone!  I was so worried that there would be something that made him think I was a poor candidate!!!  I was also worried about my blood sugar during and after the operation.  I've had some hypoglycemic episodes, and even though I know I will likely not be diabetic within a couple of days of surgery I'm really worried about them (or god forbid diabetic coma).  He reassured me that they will be monitoring my blood sugar during surgery, and will keep it slightly high rather than risk it going too low.  If I am on insulin at the end of the surgery then I will recover in ICU so that it is being checked constantly.  If not, then his partner that handles the inpatient care will continue to monitor and adjust my meds as needed until discharge.  I feel so reassured.  Here's the funny part - I asked when I should come back, and he said - as soon as your insurance approves you!  I don't need to see him again until after my 90 day diet is completed, the packet is submitted to my insurance, and they call me to set up the surgery date and pre-op tests! 

I have to give thanks for all my friends and family supporting me, but I especially want to thank my non-bariatric friends.  I have become self-obsessed with this.  I'm thinking about the surgery almost constantly - am I following the supervised diet well, did I do my exercises yet for the day, try not drinking while eating...  And my conversations include advice and stories from my dietician, trainer, psych, and even fellow bariatric patients and veterans.  My family is even taste-testing the Nectar protein powders with me.  My friends are learning more than they ever wanted to know about weight loss surgery, and I can't thank them enough for listening to me.  I promise I will try to remember to talk about other things and remember to ask about YOUR lives more. I was just visiting in Central Ohio for a few hours yesterday and was so grateful that I had the chance to talk to some of my friends who are so supportive.   Even knowing that others are reading this blog gives me a sense of a whole global community supporting me.  Who knew that I would have readers in 5 countries????

Now, for those who have not known me for long, there is something I need to tell you.  I bake.  A lot.  I love the act of baking - it appeals to the chemistry major in me.  Creating fun and delicious things that people enjoy.  I love sharing them - most of my long time friends are used to receiving cookie platters for Christmas and Hanukkah.  I even make some rocking gluten free cookies good for celiacs and during Passover.  It makes my day to hear that people enjoy my cookies, and it makes my year when a child asks "When are we getting your cookies again?"  Yesterday I saw a boy I haven't seen for over a year and as he ran by he stopped, pointed at me and said "LOVE your cookies!" and then took off again.  It's also quite a family tradition.  Growing up we always decorated our christmas tree with cookies, and now I put gingerbread on ours.  On new years even we invite friends, family, and kids from my children's classes to come and have a cookie party.  I have even been indoctrinated into the sacred order of Poticia makers (slovenian nut rolls).  Using family recipies is so much fun - and sometimes humorous; "You must use butter.  If you don't want to use butter, please do not make poticia.  If you use margarine the angry ghost of old slovenian women will haunt you!"  Did you know that you have to roll out the dough thin enough that you can see the print from a table cloth through it?  Paper thin.  What a sense of accomplishment when after 24 hours of work they come out well! 

So how am I going to balance diet and baking?  It's actually not impossible.  I start baking things for the holiday now and then put them in a downstair freezer.  I have baked while on Nutrisystem and Weightwatchers, and usually chewing gum while I'm baking is all I needed to get through it.  Then I let myself try a small piece of something when it's done (and count it in my food diary/ balancing it with exercise).  Next year I won't be able to have that small taste - but it will be SO WORTH IT.  And I won't be bringing any platters to my support group - sorry but I don't want to sabotage anyone!  In a couple of years when I'm at goal, maintaining, and not in danger of craving too much, I'll let myself have a bite or two.  If I'm not feeling full :)  I can't wait to feel full!