Hello darkness, my old friend... and heading back to the light

It's been a few months since I blogged, and for all the new WLS friends out there, when I go radio silent that usually means I'm struggling.  At 2 1/2 years post-op and having surpassed my goal, I'm dealing with some weight regain.  6 pounds from my set-point, 9 pounds from my all-time low.

How did that happen?  I stopped jogging, maybe only doing it once a month.  Still getting in lots of steps, but doing less cardio has a consequence. I started grazing - mostly eating things I shouldn't (carbs) or don't need to (peanut butter), and mostly when I'm preparing food for others, but not always.

Why?  Stress and old habits.  There have been lots of stressors - but we all have them, and mine weren't particularly horrible (nobody died, nobody lost their job, my husband is very lovable).  I came off my 5 day pouch test feeling great, and that lasted a couple of weeks.  Then we had the stress of my father-in-law's health declining some more and the resulting anxiety that brought upon my husband.  And getting my son prepared for some very difficult testing - in that last month I baked like a fiend to reduce my stress, but instead of giving it all away I nibbled at some of it (just in small enough doses not to dump, like any addict learns to avoid the crash).   The testing went well, and all of the stress was worth it, BTW, but I HAVE to remember I have other coping mechanisms I should use.

Then I started looking into a new direction for myself - a new career, starting with a Master's program in School Counseling.  It's very exciting, and it set off a roller coaster of emotions.  The principal and guidance counselor I work with think it's a great idea and will write recommendations for me - Whee!  Up I go... Finding out my undergrad GPA was even lower than I remembered - crap.  Taking a practice GRE was painful but assured me that I could meet the requirements with room to spare - yay!  Realizing that the idea of my going back to school part-time was freaking out my husband and increasing his anxiety and depression - ouch.  Talking that through with him over our anniversary and having that reverse into his full (albeit still typically anxious) support - whew.  Realizing I could take the 1 hour MAT instead of the 4 1/2 hour GRE was good, and then when I took it and got stellar results was WONDERFUL.  Now my applications are turned in, and I'm just waiting - for the recommendations to get turned in, the transcripts to arrive, and the decisions to get made at the two different programs... and waiting is hard. I'm settling in for about 2 months of it.

Last week I started with the mental tweaking.  I changed my Facebook profile pic to the one of me about to do the triathalon I did in March.  I needed the daily reminder of what I can accomplish.  I reconnected with some old friends that I haven't visited in a while.

The last two days I have been making better choices.  I've eaten clean, surpassed my step goal, and yesterday I jogged 25 minutes and felt good.  I've reminded myself that I can manage my stress in healthy ways now.  Now I just have to re-establish the habit.  The scale hasn't started moving back down yet, but it will.  And when I'm thinking about baking, I'm back to asking myself - are you wanting to bake for a good reason, or because you want to eat the cookie dough?

I also found a new fun way to enjoy my jogging (especially good when our weather has been so stormy).  I've been taking my Kindle Fire to the gym and setting it up on the treadmill so I can watch movies/ shows while I work out and my kids play.  It's a great distraction, and yesterday I was actually looking forward to it so I could finish the movie I started the other day.  Anything that works, baby.

I'm feeling like I'm training for a race, but unlike my 5ks or triathalons, this one is the ultra-marathon of life.  I need to build up my endurance, because there is always stuff to endure.  Starting something new is exciting, but the challenges will come and I have to be strong enough to meet them.  To prepare myself physically and mentally.  To know when to ask for help and support.  To keep my priorities in order.

The journey goes on, one step and one day at a time.  It's easier on days I get a good sleep.  And more fun some days than others.  But I have the tools, and I can do this for the rest of my life.  We stumble, we fall down, but we pick ourselves up and get back up stronger and wiser.  All the other WLS vets out there - if you are struggling you are not alone.  If you are doing well - share!  We could all use reminders of success for inspiration.  

Surprises! On the scale, with labs, and an unbelievable itch!

The last week has been full of surprises.  Some were good, others not so much.  Last Wednesday I went for my annual physical, where they also draw my labs for the bariatric center.  For my non-WLS friends, because we no long absorb vitamins and minerals well (in addition to taking supplements) we have to have our blood checked for Iron, Folate, Calcium, Vitamin D, Thiamine, Copper, Zinc, and B-12 as well as getting a complete blood count, lipid panel, thyroid panel, and blood glucose level.  They drew 6 tubes of blood, went over my list of the labs I needed, and wondered why they hadn't seen me on a billboard advertising for my bariatric surgeon.  Awwww!  Some compliments never get old. 

The next day I got a call apologizing, but telling me they needed to take more blood.  They hadn't frozen some of the tubes immediately that should have been frozen, so they needed more blood.  Sigh.  OK, no problem, it is a complicated lab order.  The next morning my kids and I went in (we had the day off school for Yom Kippur - Happy New Year everyone who celebrates it) and they drew 6 more. 

Today, 6 days later, I got a call from them again.  Apparently, when the lab courier came to pick up the labs, he put ALL of my tubes in his freezer (not just the frozen ones).  So, they were all frozen when they got to the lab, and they weren't able to run the tests on the ones that weren't supposed to be frozen.  They apologized, and suggested that they send me a script to get them drawn and go directly to the labs to have them drawn to prevent another courier problem.  They don't know if the ones that were supposed to be frozen were run.  Sigh deja vu!  They will send the script to me, and we will try again.  I was actually hoping my results might be in the mail today.  Guess NOT.

On a positive note, I hit another all time low on the scale on Monday, and it blew me away.  139.8!  Under 140?!?  Incredible.  Unbelievable.  Whoa.  OK, so it's now back to 141, but I broke a barrier that I NEVER IN MY WILDEST DREAMS thought was possible.  My initial goal was to get to 160.  Then I hit the 150s and was really happy.  Then I broke into the 140s and I was over-the-moon dream-come-true happy.  I don't imagine I will be going down much further, I seemed to be very steady around 141 - 143 for the last 8 or 9 months - but then I've hit new lows several times in the last month or so.  I'm back at work, so I'm getting more steps in each day - that is helping for sure.  Who knows?  I'm just happy I'm not gaining anything back. 

Here's the bad surprise with returning to work.  I've got a rash.  A really itchy not-fun rash.  For non-WLS friends, we have a lot of extra skin after we lose 100+ pounds.  Some people have so much skin that it causes skin infections, and can interfere with walking, voiding, and sexual functioning.  Imagine a flap of skin that hangs down like an apron from your waist getting in the way of things and trapping bacteria and other fun things between it and the skin that is underneath it.  Yuck.  Having lost 103 pounds, I didn't seem to be having any problems with the excess skin (other than it making some muffin top and other flaps that my son thinks are funny to play with).  I didn't expect to have problems, mostly that happens with people who lose a lot more than I have.  Many WLS people get the extra skin removed ( it's called a panniculectomy, which is about 1/2 of what most people would call a "tummy tuck").  Between the risks, the cost, and the recovery I always said I wouldn't be getting one unless there was a real medical necessity.  Then I went back to work at my lowest ever weight (in 90 degree weather, walking around constantly)...  Hello, itch.  I've got a rash/ skin infection underneath the flap of excess skin hanging from my waist.  I'm treating it with the same anti-fungal medicine that you use for athlete's foot or yeast infections.  It helps with the itching a bit, but it hasn't gone away.  If it's still here much longer, I'll have to see my primary care doctor for something stronger.  And, that will start a trail of documentation.  If I have recurrent infections, my insurance may decide to cover a panniculectomy for me.  I don't want one.  The risk of major surgery, the 6 weeks of restricted activity in recovery, and the 20% of the cost I would still have to pay are three good reasons not to get it which wipe out the positive of being rid of the flaps.  However, if this rash is something I have to deal with on an ongoing basis, I will consider it.  Go away, itch!

Back to the positive!  I got to go visit some old friends briefly over the weekend, many of whom hadn't seen me for over a year (some not since before surgery).  It was really fun getting to have quick visits with them, and I would be lying if I didn't admit that I really enjoyed seeing their reactions to seeing me in my new healthy body.  Bonus.  I am so blessed to have such great family and friends, my home, my job and my health.

Today, 9/11, I'm counting my blessings.  Thank you for all those blessings, and may the hungry, homeless, out of work, and victims of violence find such blessings in the next year.  May I make the right choices to stay healthy, and be able to support others who need help.  May I learn from my mistakes and help my children avoid them.  May I find patience on the hard days, and give of myself on the good ones.  Thank you first responders, for risking your lives to save so many of ours.  Thank you to the members of the armed forces who serve their country - may you receive the support you deserve from us and our country.  Thank you to the teachers who are shaping our tomorrow. 

Bariatric Betty says "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful"

People treat me differently now that I'm not obese.  It was something I had heard from post-ops before surgery and prepared myself for.  The overwhelming majority of that change is positive.  It mostly makes me happy, but there is a downside.  It makes it very clear how much nicer some people are to "typical" weight people and how much many ignore or are even rude to overweight and obese people. 

Maybe it's because they identify more with a typical weight person?  Birds of a feather flock together?  But weight isn't someone's identity.  Yet studies how that people, even highly educated people, identify overweight people as lazy, undisciplined, and sloppy. 

Complete strangers are now much more likely to hold a door open for me.  More strangers start conversations with me, or tell me to go ahead of them in line.  The number of smiles I get from strangers has increased - and I've always been one to smile at strangers, so that hasn't been the source of the change.  I think it's just now that more of them are looking at me long enough to see that I'm smiling, so they smile back.  In general, it makes the world feel like a happier, friendlier place. 

Peers I see invite me to join them more often - I'm not talking about friends.  I'm talking about co-workers and people I know from my kid's schools.  I don't usually take them up on the offers, because it usually involves lunch out or drinks or something else that would be difficult/ impossible for me post-op.  But it's really nice to be asked.

Friends have also changed - although much less.  These were people who knew and loved me at my heaviest.  They accepted me as is then, and they accept me now - just with more compliments!  I can't tell you what it's like after most of a lifetime of being unhappy with how I looked to get compliments telling me I look "cute", "tiny", "healthy", or shockingly "hot!". 

There is a small minority, however, where the change is not positive.  I had been warned about this by WLS veterans.  They said that sometimes if you have a gang of girls, and you suddenly change your appearance by dropping a lot of weight, your social "position" in the group can become unstable.  Instead of being the supportive fat friend, or the funny fat friend, or the fat friend that makes the pretty girls look better in comparison, they don't know how to "classify" you in the hierarchy.  They might even feel challenged for what they see as their role as the "pretty" one. 

I didn't expect to face that - partly because I don't hang out with gangs of girls.  I tend to see my friends one at a time.  I was never one to go out to a bar with in a group.  Frankly, I wasn't one to go out to a bar!  Funny thing was, I was part of a gang of girls, I just hadn't realized it.  The neighborhood bus stop moms.

I live in a great neighborhood.  The day I moved in two different neighbors came over with brownies and cookies.  Another sent her girls over to show my boys around the neighborhood.  My next door neighbor came over and introduced herself and offered her help.  After the quiet community with a lot of retirees I used to live in, it was a little startling. 

Next week, 2/16/2013 is my first "surgiversary".  I can't wait to celebrate!  I told my husband to hold off on any flowers or anything for Valentine's Day, I would rather celebrate on the 16th (and it will be cheaper - bonus!).  I have my 1 year post-op next Wednesday with my surgeon and I'm really looking forward to it. 

 

Bariatric Betty's 5K with pics

Yesterday was the big day; 6 months after beginning Couch to 5k I ran my first race!  It was a lot of fun, and I was thrilled to have my 12 y.o. son jog it with me (for the first half anyway, then I left him in the dust because he hadn't trained as much and needed to slow down).  The Jingle Bell Run is for the Arthritis Foundation - an organization I loved supporting because my dear husband has had rheumatoid arthritis since he was 12.  Here's a pic of all of us before the race.

I had a great NSV (non-scale victory) before the race even started - I traded in my pre-ordered Adult Large race shirt for an Adult Medium!  Woo-hoo!

The atmosphere was wonderful - people were decked out in all kinds of holiday gear - I gave in and bought a Santa Hat that said "Jingle Bell Run".  Everybody was given jingle bells to tie through their shoelaces along with their tracker chip, so there was a constant faint bell ringing the entire run.  There was a singing group doing Christmas carols and other upbeat holiday tunes.  Lots of families jogged or walked as a team, and I saw dozens of parents who ran or walked with strollers.  Here's a pic of us at the very start of the race.

The course was a bit of a surprise - from the map we had been given at registration I guessed we would have one hill about halfway through the race, and it would be uphill on the first half, downhill on the way back.  Nope. There were four hills (two repeated ones) on the course and that meant that we had to finish on an incline.  One of my friends ended up running as well, and she told me later "Boy, this was NOT a good race for your first - those hills were killer!"

 I'm happy to say for me it was more a psychological challenge than a physical one.  All my training was definitely more than enough to prepare me for this race - even with the hills.  Who would have guessed???  I jogged the whole thing, running 3.1 miles in just under 36 minutes.  Afterwords I felt really proud and happy, but my body was like "So, that was pretty normal..." How wonderfully unexpected.

This is me crossing the finish line...

I was inspired by many people in the race - there was a whole team of people from the University Hospitals Medical Center running in honor of an 8 y.o. girl named Taylor with Rheumatoid Arthritis. There were people like the mom behind me in the picture above who ran up and down those hills pushing a double stroller!  There was a wonderful 76 year old woman named Jean that I chatted with on the second half.  She runs races every weekend, so she's well known by most of the regulars.  She talked about how she had ANOTHER race today, and I couldn't have been more surpised. "You run two races in one weekend???" "Oh, just when they're small ones like this..."  LOL!  It's good to see things from a different perspective.  She said that so many young people are all impressed when they hear her age.  I told her that they should be impressed with her running all of these races even BEFORE they hear her age and she laughed.  She said she's glad to be able to run when so many people her age can't even walk much, but also confessed she enjoys seeing youngster speed up when they realize she just passed them.  ;) 

My son crossed the finish line just a few minutes after me and I told him I was so proud of him for hanging in there and finishing!  He was exhausted, but said "Mom, we have to start training on HILLS" so I guess he might be willing to do this again.

Doing it again... yeah, probably.  I didn't hurt afterwards (or this morning) so I think I might start looking for maybe a race every month or so.  It's way more fun than just jogging with my dog :)  But I'm not feeling driven to start training for a half marathon or anything.

There was another woman I met that left me with mixed feelings.  She was a friend-of-a-friend and when my friend introduced her she said "She's lost 100 pounds, you know!"  I laughed and clapped for her and then said "Me, too!"(well, rounding up)  We chatted for a little while and I found out that unlike me she didn't have bariatric surgery.  I was very impressed - to be able to lose that much without having the help of a pouch as a tool... that's rare!  She said two years ago she started walking two 5ks every weekend.  Then she started jogging them.  Then she started running half-marthons, and now does marathons as well.  Whoa.  Cool!  Then she explained that she is just working on keeping the weight off, so she has added Zumba a couple of times a week and recently personal training.  OK, so she is running at least two 5k races (if not a marathon) in addition to daily training runs, taking 2-3 Zumba Classes, and having a personal training session every week JUST TO MAINTAIN HER WEIGHT.  Uhhhhh. Great?  For her, it's great.  This is a really good demonstration of what happens to the metabolism of a formerly morbidly obese person.  To lose this much weight, our bodies and metabolisms change a LOT.  In her case, presumming she eats healthy foods in reasonable portion sizes, it means she has to become a fitness machine.  I am all for being active and staying active, but I would never want to dedicate every weekend of my life to running races.  They're fun, but I want to have time with my family doing other things.  I can commit to spending 30 - 60 minutes a day doing cardio for the rest of my life and having a severally restricted diet/ calorie intake.  For her, that wasn't a good choice.  Either way, there is no easy way. 

So I'm looking into doing the "Color Run" sometime this spring, and keeping my eyes open for other fun opportunities.  I heard that Coco Key (a water park in Sandusky, OH)  has a Santa Run that I can imagine the family enjoying this time next year.  Today I'll just be walking my dog a couple of miles and celebrating my father's 70th birthday and other every-day miracles.  Happy Hanukkah to everyone celebrating!
 

Bariatric Betty asks a favor...

The other night I heard from one of my dearest friends, and godmother to my oldest son.  Tomorrow she is having a hysterectomy to rid herself of endometrial/ uterine cancer.  She has a great attitude, is physically and emotional a very strong person and has a great support network.  She knows that chances are good that this surgery might be the only treatment that she needs.  And she spent probably half of the conversation telling me what an inspiration reading my progress on this blog has been for her. 

Seriously - she's preparing herself, her husband, and kids for her major surgery to treat cancer, and she wants to make sure that I understand how much my being open about my sharing this journey has meant to her.  That's the type of person she is - always trying to be there for others.

She's asking for nothing.  She's got a sister who is both a doctor and a cancer survivor as her wingman and advocate.  She's found a great oncologist.  She has both health insurance and a family who loves her desperately. 

So I know that she has friends and family saying prayers for her, and would think this was unnecessary, but I'm going to ask all of you.  If you pray - please pray for my friend Janet and her family tonight and tomorrow.  Even if you don't, please keep her in you thoughts.

Now, I know some of you might have friends or family members who are facing their own challenges right now - and some are probably not half as lucky as my friend Janet to have the support network she has right now.  Some of you may need some prayers yourselves. 

So I'm asking a part two to this favor - if you know someone who needs good thoughts, prayers, or anything like that - leave a comment on this blog or on the post in the facebook group where you saw this link today.  Leave a name, or the challenge, or anything thing you feel comfortable sharing.  And let us all support each other and our loved ones.  Let's share our strength.

Bariatric Betty's a Hot Mess

Day 7, which means I had surgery 8 days ago, because in bariatric world, you count the days from the first day you drank liquid.  Things have been going smooth - and it sort of feels like the calm before the storm.  Like when your kids have been playing quietly together in the other room and suddenly you realize that it's TOO quiet and know that they are up to something.  Or I'm paranoid.  Could be either.

I'm drinking at least 64 ounces of fluid a day.  The liquid is mostly water (hot or cold), Crystal Light, and Syntrax Nectar Protein drinks.  Twice I've had hot Cream of Mushroom Soup (strained through a sieve) and it was a nice change.  I'm drinking at least two protein shakes a day, which is actually the goal for the second week, which starts tomorrow.  Cool.  I've lost 6.4 pounds according to my home scale, which I think is friggin' fantastic!  I was prepared to barely lose anything the first week because of all the fluid retention from surgery. 

I'm surprised at how few problems I'm having.  Other than occasionally gulping when there is no room in my pouch for gulps, everything goes down easily.  Nothing I've drank has made my stomach upset - although I did find out that the smell of cooking edamame with soy sauce is NAUSEATING.  My husband has been wonderful, and only went back to work for a full day today.  The boys are helping pitch in, especially my 11 year old.  My eight year old switches between being helpful and being upset that Mommy isn't doing her normal stuff.  If it's his idea to take the dog outside, he's proud to help.  If I ask, he might get ticked and throw a blanket over his head until he says quietly "I don't want to".  He's also been acting out more at school, but change is hard for everyone.  It doesn't mean his acting out is OK, but I know where he's coming from.

Because as much as I am a glowing success physically, I'm a hot mess inside.  What started as weird dreams definitely influenced by my pain control medicine, I realize now is a accurate picture of the psychological landscape inside my head.  My dreams have repeatedly involved someone (a friend, a realtor, etc) pointing out that I've left something a mess - lots of clutter, childhood toys, some things my mom dropped off when she downsized that I had no purpose for.  Sometimes they're in my house, sometimes I have apparently left them at a friend's house sometime in the past, and she's nicely saying "Ummm, you need to come get these out of here.  Now." 

It's fascinating, because as I realized in the middle of the night last night, it's kind of like as my fat is being burned off by my body it's almost like I'm remembering aspects of what made me put it on there in the first place.  Like a beach eroding and showing old trash (maybe treasure?).  Feeling embarrassed - ate extra servings of pasta.  Felt like a failure at keeping the house up - ate some ice cream.  Felt proud of my baking skills - made extra cookie dough to make cookies for friends, but then snacked on the dough.  Felt noticed and unsafe - ate more of anything so that nobody would make advances or threaten me.  These are all real feelings, and ones that I've prepared myself will NOT be hidden under fat anymore, and the weird thing is, I'm not feeling them now.  I'm feeling the MEMORIES of them, and they're coming out in my dreams. 

Of course, in the middle of the last night, I didn't FEEL like that.  I felt miserable.  I wrote all of the above like it was about some other person - clinical, removed - but it's about MY past, which affects my current feelings.  My current feelings include feeling proud of doing exactly what the doctors said - liking stepping on the scale.  Being impressed with myself for getting all my fluids and protein in - telling people how well I'm doing.  But it also includes feeling guilty because I can't take my dog for long walks like we used to. Can't even do short ones, really, because when he pulls on the leash it could affect my stitches and cause a hernia.  So I have his sad eyes (and bored chewing teeth) looking at me all day (and destroying every pen or marker her can find).  Feeling guilty because I can't empty the trash, or have enough energy to even just go with the family to the Rec Center (just sitting once we get there).  Feeling impotent as a mom, because I have to keep myself off the painkillers all day to be able to drive to the store to get some fresh fruits and vegetables for the rest of the family.  Then being too sore to lay down and cuddle my son goodnight.  And while housekeeping isn't normally my greatest stregth, knowing that I can't take a load of laundry downstairs to get it started, or bring one up yet means that I'm watching the laundry pile grow. 

Luckily, I've got my husband, who patiently listens to me in the middle of the night while I explain these feelings.  While I tell him that I feel super hormonal like PMS brought a friend, and that it's only by sheer willpower that I'm not biting people's heads off when I'm slightly irritated.  And that I know that some of these over-emotional mood swings are normal for post-ops, because THANK GOD I've been reading posts from so many others who have had he surgery over the past 5 months.  So I know I'm not really going crazy (crazier).  I know it's temporary.  And I know that if I keep doing what I'm supposed to do, I will stabilize and continue my success. 

I'm so thankful my husband and friends are willing to listen (especially my husband who loses sleep doing it).  Because talking is helpful, at least for that moment.  It let's me get back to sleep.  Or stop feeling like crying.  And get back to work following the Rules, working the plan.  And blogging all about this, because it is feeling cathartic, too.

I want to start working out, and maximizing this "window of opportunity".  I won't until the doctors clear me, but I think about it A LOT.  I want to stop taking any painkillers, but I know that if I push myself too hard I end up hurting and unable to do anything.  So I'm praying for patience.  I'm asking my kids for understanding.  And I'm looking at my dog and telling him I love him even thought he's not getting the exercise he needs, and giving him a new chew toy.  This too shall pass.  I'm thankful for the gift of this tool, for my family, for my friends, and for all the prayers that have been said for me.  I look forward to paying it forward.