Bariatric Betty's a Hot Mess

Day 7, which means I had surgery 8 days ago, because in bariatric world, you count the days from the first day you drank liquid.  Things have been going smooth - and it sort of feels like the calm before the storm.  Like when your kids have been playing quietly together in the other room and suddenly you realize that it's TOO quiet and know that they are up to something.  Or I'm paranoid.  Could be either.

I'm drinking at least 64 ounces of fluid a day.  The liquid is mostly water (hot or cold), Crystal Light, and Syntrax Nectar Protein drinks.  Twice I've had hot Cream of Mushroom Soup (strained through a sieve) and it was a nice change.  I'm drinking at least two protein shakes a day, which is actually the goal for the second week, which starts tomorrow.  Cool.  I've lost 6.4 pounds according to my home scale, which I think is friggin' fantastic!  I was prepared to barely lose anything the first week because of all the fluid retention from surgery. 

I'm surprised at how few problems I'm having.  Other than occasionally gulping when there is no room in my pouch for gulps, everything goes down easily.  Nothing I've drank has made my stomach upset - although I did find out that the smell of cooking edamame with soy sauce is NAUSEATING.  My husband has been wonderful, and only went back to work for a full day today.  The boys are helping pitch in, especially my 11 year old.  My eight year old switches between being helpful and being upset that Mommy isn't doing her normal stuff.  If it's his idea to take the dog outside, he's proud to help.  If I ask, he might get ticked and throw a blanket over his head until he says quietly "I don't want to".  He's also been acting out more at school, but change is hard for everyone.  It doesn't mean his acting out is OK, but I know where he's coming from.

Because as much as I am a glowing success physically, I'm a hot mess inside.  What started as weird dreams definitely influenced by my pain control medicine, I realize now is a accurate picture of the psychological landscape inside my head.  My dreams have repeatedly involved someone (a friend, a realtor, etc) pointing out that I've left something a mess - lots of clutter, childhood toys, some things my mom dropped off when she downsized that I had no purpose for.  Sometimes they're in my house, sometimes I have apparently left them at a friend's house sometime in the past, and she's nicely saying "Ummm, you need to come get these out of here.  Now." 

It's fascinating, because as I realized in the middle of the night last night, it's kind of like as my fat is being burned off by my body it's almost like I'm remembering aspects of what made me put it on there in the first place.  Like a beach eroding and showing old trash (maybe treasure?).  Feeling embarrassed - ate extra servings of pasta.  Felt like a failure at keeping the house up - ate some ice cream.  Felt proud of my baking skills - made extra cookie dough to make cookies for friends, but then snacked on the dough.  Felt noticed and unsafe - ate more of anything so that nobody would make advances or threaten me.  These are all real feelings, and ones that I've prepared myself will NOT be hidden under fat anymore, and the weird thing is, I'm not feeling them now.  I'm feeling the MEMORIES of them, and they're coming out in my dreams. 

Of course, in the middle of the last night, I didn't FEEL like that.  I felt miserable.  I wrote all of the above like it was about some other person - clinical, removed - but it's about MY past, which affects my current feelings.  My current feelings include feeling proud of doing exactly what the doctors said - liking stepping on the scale.  Being impressed with myself for getting all my fluids and protein in - telling people how well I'm doing.  But it also includes feeling guilty because I can't take my dog for long walks like we used to. Can't even do short ones, really, because when he pulls on the leash it could affect my stitches and cause a hernia.  So I have his sad eyes (and bored chewing teeth) looking at me all day (and destroying every pen or marker her can find).  Feeling guilty because I can't empty the trash, or have enough energy to even just go with the family to the Rec Center (just sitting once we get there).  Feeling impotent as a mom, because I have to keep myself off the painkillers all day to be able to drive to the store to get some fresh fruits and vegetables for the rest of the family.  Then being too sore to lay down and cuddle my son goodnight.  And while housekeeping isn't normally my greatest stregth, knowing that I can't take a load of laundry downstairs to get it started, or bring one up yet means that I'm watching the laundry pile grow. 

Luckily, I've got my husband, who patiently listens to me in the middle of the night while I explain these feelings.  While I tell him that I feel super hormonal like PMS brought a friend, and that it's only by sheer willpower that I'm not biting people's heads off when I'm slightly irritated.  And that I know that some of these over-emotional mood swings are normal for post-ops, because THANK GOD I've been reading posts from so many others who have had he surgery over the past 5 months.  So I know I'm not really going crazy (crazier).  I know it's temporary.  And I know that if I keep doing what I'm supposed to do, I will stabilize and continue my success. 

I'm so thankful my husband and friends are willing to listen (especially my husband who loses sleep doing it).  Because talking is helpful, at least for that moment.  It let's me get back to sleep.  Or stop feeling like crying.  And get back to work following the Rules, working the plan.  And blogging all about this, because it is feeling cathartic, too.

I want to start working out, and maximizing this "window of opportunity".  I won't until the doctors clear me, but I think about it A LOT.  I want to stop taking any painkillers, but I know that if I push myself too hard I end up hurting and unable to do anything.  So I'm praying for patience.  I'm asking my kids for understanding.  And I'm looking at my dog and telling him I love him even thought he's not getting the exercise he needs, and giving him a new chew toy.  This too shall pass.  I'm thankful for the gift of this tool, for my family, for my friends, and for all the prayers that have been said for me.  I look forward to paying it forward.

Bariatric Betty's Gastric Bypass

I was admitted to the hospital at 6:30 am on 2/16/12, very excited and nervous that something would go wrong and we would have to reschedule.  I had so many people praying for me, and had done so much research I don't think I was that worried about something bad happening/ complications, just what I would do if something made me reschedule.  There wasn't room for my husband back in pre-op, so as soon as I changed I kissed him goodbye, and told him I loved him, and I would be alright.  I had hoped that Dr. Ben Meir would meet up with us before then so he could meet my husband, and maybe I could get a picture with him, but as long as the surgery was on, I could pass on the photo op!

I can't say enough about the nurses, techs, and doctors at the hospital.  Everyone reviewed my information every single time they came in contact with me, and took the time to encourage me as well.  "You're making a great choice", "You are going to do so well".  Just after my IV was placed in my dehydrated veins (that magnesium citrate worked a little too well, and had me voiding water right until I left the house), and I got some anti-anxiety meds,, Dr. Ben Meir came back.  He was all smiles and told me that he was very excited for me, and was glad I was excited to have the operation.  I asked him if he would mind going to the waiting room to introduce himself to my husband before the operation, and he said "Of course!".  Next thing I knew, he brought my husband back in and let him take a picture of Dr. Ben Meir and me.  Plus I got an extra kiss from my hubby!  I told Dr. Ben Meir he is going into the family album.  That's the last thing I remember.

The next thing I know, I was waking up in recovery and they were telling me that it was all over, and that I did great!  Later I found out that the surgery had been delayed an hour, then gone the 3 hours they predicted, and by the time I got into my own room it was about 2pm.  My husband was right there waiting for me with a big smile on his face and a hug.  I was super tired, and super thirsty but knew I couldn't even have ice chips until the upper GI xrays showed my pouch could pass fluids without leaking the next morning.  God bless the nurses and techs - not only did they come check on me frequently, they brought mouth swabs!  I wasn't even producing my own spit, so those things were like a dream come true.  I dutifully spit out any liquid in my mouth after swabbing it so nothing would go wrong, and they would keep bringing me more :) 

My mom and sons got to the hospital later and brought me a family picture to look at from my bed - best hospital present ever.  I started walking the halls with the nurse that day, and it wasn't as bad as I feared.  My incisions didn't seem to hurt too much, and I was more tired and achey than anything.  I got four walks in that night and was allowed to go solo after the first two.  Best thing I found - having other bariatric patients on the floor!  One I knew from pre-admission testing.  The other I just met while I was there.  We would say hi from the doorway as we walked passed each other's rooms and invite them to join us.  We compared pain levels and talked about how excited we were. 

The next morning I was taken down to radiology where I swallowed some foul dye several time and they took a series of x-rays.  I was worried the first time I swallowed 7ml.  What if it couldn't get through the stoma, the pouch or the Y junction?  But it went down so quickly and easily, it even surprised the x-ray tech.  Bonus: the tech had already have gastric sleeve bypass herself a year ago!  She talked about it being the best decision of her life and looked wonderful! 

The only hard part of my day was the next 1 1/2 hours.  I was tired and wanted to go to my room so I could get ice chips (yummmmm, ice chips!!!!).  But, the radiologist was backed up and it took another 1/2 hour before he even got to my films.  By the time that he read them and signed off, it turned out that my surgeon had already reviewed them himself online and ordered the ice and water for me!  Then I waited the next hour for transport.  That was painful.  My mouth was sore from being so dehydrated, my muscles were sore from already sitting up so long, and I watched other patients being brought down and taken back up from radiology while I just sat there in the hall.  The tech felt so sad for me - she brought me a pillow and backed me against the wall so I could rest my head.  Twice transport came and took away empty beds and wheelchairs.  I was about at my wits end when transport finally came for me, and tried not to be mad as she took me back to my room.  I thanked her for coming to get me - there must have been a problem in dispatch, I don't think it was her fault.  But by the time I got to my room, the tears were flowing.  I got into my bed and ate my first ice chips, loving each one, but it took a while for my tears to stop.  More pain meds helped, and so did a little rest. Probably also helpful was that I was able to start my anti-depressants again.

I did at least 10 walks around the hall that day, and started having more gas pain (now that I actually was swallowing stuff, my intestines were befuddled).  Still, walking seemed to help.  That night I actually slept for 3 hours at a time, which was a big improvement over the previous night.  Unfortunately, each time those three hours allowed gas to build up.  Unlike my fellow post-ops, my lower intestines didn't start up until after I went home, and the only way gas could vent was by burping.  Early the next morning I was trying to walk some of it loose when the pains got so bad I started crying in the hall.  My sweet nurse helped me back to the room and told me I could lay back down for a bit before sitting up again.  I asked her to double check that none of the pain I had was near an incision cite, and they weren't.  Fear backed off, and I knew it was just gas.  They didn't want to put me on Gas-x/ simethicone at the hospital, but tried a suppository and a bowel stimulant to get stuff woken up down there.  About a day later, it finally let some gas out - yay!

Removing the drain was weird - I imagined it was much shorter, but I had 9-12 inches of tubing in me.  It didn't hurt coming out at all, and then I got to take a shower and be discharged.  Getting home was wonderful.  My mom drove me home and my husband and kids had the place all ready for me.  It took me a couple days to be able to sleep comfortably enough in the bed to make it worth sitting up from lying down flat with a sore stomach, but walking continues to help.  I haven't had any problems keeping fluids down.  I even got two protein shakes down yesterday - I was only planning on one, but when I was doing so well and still fours hours from bedtime, I figured "What the heck, I'll try another".

Best news of all  -when I was discharged I was off all my diabetes medicine.  They checked my blood sugar every four hours post-op and it kept going down: 131, 126, 118, 110, 104... Since I've gotten home it's been even lower!  Looks like my diabetes has already gone into remission, just as I hoped it would.  My mom is going home today, and my ever supportive husband is taking another day off to stay with me tomorrow, but I'm starting to feel like myself again.  A gassy, bloated, liquid-only self, but still...  My only new advice to share with pre-ops: I found that the Syntrax Nectar protein shakes are much better than the vanilla creamy ones post-op, and don't watch America's Funniest Home Videos the first week after surgery (it feels great to laugh, but hurts!). 

I came home to dozens of messages and cards from friends and family, and am so grateful for their support.  I "came out of the pantry" to my facebook friends about having the surgery before I went in to the hospital, and received only positive comments.  My friends and family support has been the greatest gift and biggest source of strength through all of this.  Now on with the journey towards health...

Bariatric Betty gets the call, just in time.

First, a warning, there is a rant coming...
A lot of things happened this week, starting this weekend.  I took the family to a local apple orchard where we got to pick our own apples.  It was a beautiful sunny day, my waistline is smaller than it's been in a year thanks to my increased exercising and decreased after dinner snacks, and I felt great.  Most of the best apples were high up on the tree, so after sending my older son to climb up a couple of times, I left him on one tree and climbed another next to it.  My younger son was with me and I climbed up about three or four feet and started picking.  When I came down I was pretty pleased with myself until I saw my older son stomping towards me. 

It turned out he had overheard a family laughing at me, saying "I bet that branch is going to break with that fat lady on it".  He was trying hard to restrain himself from going and starting a fight.  My younger son looked like he wanted to cry.  The family had moved on, and I steered us into another part of the orchard.  It's not the first time my weight has been made fun of, but that hurt my kids.  Try explaining that some insecure people are going to always find something to make fun of other people about - and that it's not worth getting mad over.  Not a fun discussion.  I tried to make light of it by saying "at least next year there will be less of me for people to make fun of..."

Here's the truth.  I feel horrible.  My kids had to hear people laughing at me.  And it is those cruel people who are responsible for their pain.  But I have to take responsibility for being a target.  I know that I'm working on losing weight.  I know I don't deserve to be made fun of.  But I also know that there are ways that you attract the wrong sort of attention and if I had already lost the weight, they probably wouldn't have sad anything this weekend.  Of course, they might have made comments about my chest, or my clothes or anything else, but something about being overweight paints a neon target sign on people.  Don't they think I would be thin if it was easy?  I know that most thin people don't understand the difficulty of losing a signifigant amount of weight (and keeping it off) when you're obese.  That over 85% of us either don't succeed in the first place, or gain it back.  And some people think that having a gastric bypass is "the easy way" to lose weight.  They don't understand that I'll still be on a restricted diet for the REST OF MY LIFE.  That I will never be able to eat as many calories as a naturally thin person.  My body will not stay a healthy weight if I eat like they do. 

I read a quote from an actress recently that talked about how she easily lost weight for a role recently.  She said "you just have to want it enough, eat less, and exercise more".  She went from being skinny to being underweight for the role.  Does she realize that she gained the weight she lost back, too?  For her, that was healthy, but I'm sure she was relieved to stop feeling hungry.  I'm happy for people who can eat the proper amount of food and feel satisfied and stay a healthy weight.  But my brain doesn't work like theirs, my metabolism doesn't work like theirs, and I'm always tired because I'm carrying around 100 extra pounds.  It's not easy.  Don't people like that understand that we wouldn't subject ourselves to lifelong dieting and surgery if there was any other way that we had found to make it work???

So when I spoke to Diane, my Patient Advocate at Hospital C for the rest of my life, on Tuesday it couldn't have come at a better time.  She recommended that I see a P.A. (physician's assistant) at a health services center nearby because he does a fabulous job documenting medically supervised weight loss for the insurance company, I called and made an appointment.  I meet him later today.

I also returned the elliptical I bought at Walmart for $200.  It was wobbly and having problems with the LCD screen and starting to make louder thumping noises when I used it, so I got a full refund.  Luckily, I found a used Nordic Track elliptical for $150 through craigslist, and bought it.  So now I have a better elliptical that was more affordable and I am back on it daily!  90 days from now, I should be able to get pre-certified approval for the surgery from my insurance company.  I'm on track, and not looking back.