Truths! Birthdays, Graduation, and pics

I'm really trying to stay honest, and embrace the truth even when it hurts.  Here's my latest confession - I love butter/ margarine.  This is embarrassing - but I've loved it since I was a child.  My mom tells about me climbing out of my highchair and onto the thanksgiving table to sit down and chew on a stick of butter at my grandmother's while everybody was in the kitchen when I was 15 months old.  I used to stick my finger into the tub of margarine and scoop out a little once in a while as a kid.  As I grew up I grew out of it - or should I say changed things I liked to eat that weren't good for me. 

Since my surgery, really in the last couple months, I have rediscovered my taste for margarine.  That sounds gross doesn't it?  I think part of it is craving fat - which even with a tablespoon or two of margarine a day my consumption stays low (yes, I have been logging it).  That melt-in-your mouth feeling is part of it.  There lies a truth - if it melts in your mouth, it's liquid calories - a BIG NO-NO and major rule breaking.  So, just like I had to make a big change when I realized I was starting to compulsively eat popcorn, I'm going to have to make a big change here.  No more buying tubs of margarine.  I will buy sticks of butter, which I have no craving for, whatsoever.  Logical?  Of course not - it's a crazy psych thing.  Oh the webs our tricky brains weave.  I can use sticks of butter for everything cooking-wise that I use tubs for, and not be tempted.  Yesterday I threw out the tub that was in my fridge.  Wonder what the next thing is my brain will try to tempt me with...

On to a more positive truth - I got my new driver's license!  The truth part is that I actually put my REAL weight on the license for the first time in my life.  Not even my lowest weight, but the pound higher that I was on the day I renewed it.  I thought I needed to renew it by my birthday but it turns out I didn't have to renew it until next year.  Yeah, it was written right on the license, I know... But I decided to renew it early because I don't look like my license anymore.  And I'm 50 pounds lighter than the LIE I had on my old license.  But I took pictures of my old and new license (with all the potential identity theft info blocked out) for memories sake (and this blog). 

 

OK, so that's my old license.  I listed my weight at 190, which was 53 less than I weighed at my highest.  When the picture was taken I might have been 235.  I remember being relatively happy with the picture, because it only showed two chins.  I spent a lot of time on my hair and makeup that day, too. 

... and here's my new one!  I LOVE looking at those two pictures next to each other.  An added bonus is that people will actually believe it's my I.D. when I am asked to show it :) 

I still think that they should just have a digital scale built into the floor at the license bureau.  That way when you step up for your turn it would automatically weigh you and the they wouldn't have to ask your weight.  It's embarrassing for the average person to say their weight out loud to someone, and mortifying for the obese.  Plus, it's not like most people tell the truth!  Heaven forbid something had happened to me two years ago and they found my body.  I can see them saying "Oh, this probably isn't her, she's much heavier than the person we're looking for..." 

My birthday is in two days, and my mom offered to come spend the morning with me for a "girl's day" - something we used to do when I was little, and have tried to make time for occasionally now that I'm a grownup.  I asked my boys (10 and 13) for the birthday present of them watching themselves (without killing and bugging each other) for a few hours for my birthday present.  My mom is going to come and go on a nice long walk with me and my dogs.  Then she's going to come with me to a jewelry store.  All of my rings are WAY to big.  I'm guessing I'm wearing a 6 1/2 now - my old rings are 8 1/2.  I don't feel the need to spend the money to resize everything, but I've been wrapping medical tape around my wedding band and engagement ring for over a year now and want to get that done!  I'm thinking about instead of having several rings resized I would look at combining stones into a new setting.  I have no idea how much that will be, but want to explore options and get a sense of how much money I will have to save up.  Then we might go to a bookstore and browse...aaaah, the luxury of doing that without having the kids interrupt me twenty times.

I got an email this morning inviting me to my Center for Bariatric Surgery graduation!  In our program, if you have met your goal and kept it off for over a year, you are invited to that year's graduation party.  It's a formal event at a really nice hotel, and will be happening in October.  The only sad thing is that my surgeon has left the practice.  So I'm sad that when I walk across the stage with a slide show of my before and after pcitures I won't get to shake Dr. Ben-Meir's hand.  :( But, I'm really excited to be in the graduating class of 2013.  I need to start looking for an AWESOME dress.  Oh, and saving up for it, too. 

Bariatric Betty feels shame and pride

I'm coming up on my 6 month post-op visit in a couple days, but first I had my 9 year old son's annual check-up.  That was difficult.

My son has been struggling with his weight pretty much his whole life.  He is in the 99% for height for his age as well.  When he was 2 years old he had an incredible weight gain of 10 pounds in something like 3 months, and we requested a consult with a nutritionist after lab work ruled out thyroid problems and diabetes.  We kept a food log for a month and other than cutting out one serving of OJ a day (he used to have 2 because he didn't drink milk, so we got calcium added OJ), the nutritionist said we were doing a great job.  She wished that most of the kids she saw ate as healthy as him.

For the last 5 years we cut out juice altogether (unless it's a "treat" - like instead a bag of chips or dessert if we're eating out).  We've also paid close attention to serving sizes, making protein the priority, and helping him figure out if he is really hungry or just bored.

We've worked hard to keep him active; in addition to loving to ride his bike, play in the pool and on playgrounds, he's done over 4 years of karate and played community soccer for the last 3 years.  This summer we added baseball and the couch-2-5k training.  Last year his pediatrician said this was very important - that he's always going to be a big kid, but that we want to slow his weight gain as he grows and help him have a healthier lifestyle.  Our previous pediatrician (before me moved) had said the same thing, and had said that she would expect an average weight gain of 10 pounds or less a year for a kid like him.  I thought we did really well (especially since my surgery), and suspected he had gained less than 5 pounds in the past year.

First, the good news.  He only gained 4 pounds, so I was right about that.  But, I was wrong about how much he had grown.  I was just SURE he was 5 feet now, but it turns out that he's still under at 4 ft. 10 inches.  He only grew 1 3/4 inches this past year.  That's not a problem, because he's still the tallest kid in his grade!  What was a problem was that I was using the wrong number at home when I was calculating his BMI.  My using his incorrect height of 5 feet meant that he was overweight and had a decreasing BMI.  The correct height means that his BMI is 30.1, and he is officially obese. 

That crushed me.  My son is following in my footsteps in the last way I would want him to - to obesity.  After experiencing the joy of watching my own BMI drop from (morbidly obese) 43 to it's current (overweight) 27.8, seeing that he is just over the border into "obese" just about broke my heart.  I try to teach my kids so many good things, but he learned the lesson of overeating from me. 

His BMI is decreasing.  After I got home I realized I didn't know what his BMI was at his annual physical last year, so I calculated it.  31.2!  So in one year he has gone down 1.1 in BMI - a definite improvement.  And he's now on the border of obesity, instead of sitting solidly inside the category.  He's stretching out, can wear the same size as last year, and is definitely more active.  But that didn't stop that crushing feeling of shame; knowing I failed him by being the unhealthy role model I was for most of the first 9 years of his life. 

I am proud of the changes that I've made, and the ones I've helped my family make in the last 6 months.  I feed them healthier food, and we are all more active.  I know that he is absorbing the hard work he sees me doing, and listens to me talking about how much better I feel.  I feel that I have stopped the trend of increasing BMI and started to reverse it in him.  I knew he was overweight, and I had been trying to help him keep on the right path before I knew he was obese.  He didn't become obese at this visit, he became obese over a year ago, I just didn't know it.  Knowledge is power.  I didn't know how much I was hurting my body until I was diagnosed as a diabetic.  I didn't know I could live the rest of my life on a modified diet until I had to with diabetes, and the success I had in lowering my blood sugar gave me the confidence that I can change my life with the weight loss surgery and my new lifestyle.  I knew that even following the diabetic plan my life would be shorter and have a lower quality of life, and that meant the risks and sacrifices involved with weight loss surgery and living post-bariatric bypass were more than worth it. 


So now I will try to let go of the shame, and focus on the pride I have in the changes I have made in the last 6 months.  And the knowledge that he is almost NOT obese will be a great motivator to keep us all running, to keep me on my plan and be a good role model for him.  Because these are the lessons I want him to learn from me - that if you work hard, you can make good things happen.  You can be healthy, and find out that you're able to do things you've never done before.  The unimaginable becomes possible.

Bariatric Betty's body and mind - new pics

I'm coming up on my 6 month post-op point and so much has changed.  Many things, but not everything.

I am no longer diabetic!!!  That will always deserve first billing and multiple exclamation points.  I know that not everybody who has WLS has their diabetes go into remission, and that it can return, but so far I am among the lucky ones and hope to stay that way.  I was just talking to my 9 year old about it yesterday.  That I can assume I will live to see my kids grow up and maybe see grandkids or even great-grandkids some day is something I could not presume before. 

My body continues to morph into a previously unknown thing.  I wrote months ago about the bizarre feeling of realizing that my hips were holding up my pants (instead of my belly).  The first step in that particular revelation was understanding that those two bumps on my front that were feeling pressure from jeans, were in fact, bones.  Bones that I had never before noticed, but had always been there.  These bones weren't visible, but were noticeable for the first time because of the decrease in the fat pad that laid over them.

Recently I have experienced the surfacing of other underlying structures - bones, tendons, etc.  These are not always fun - they are sometimes startling.  I am reminded of an article I read several years ago where a formerly obese woman suddenly notice the prominence of her shoulder blades and thought she might be deformed. 

Lying on my side, the excess skin and fat redistributing down with gravity leaves my hip and pelvis remarkably exposed.  I find myself squeezing them, poking them, and outlining them as I get to know this new "normal" for me.  A few times I have asked my husband to feel them as well, and let me feel his bones to compare and reassure myself that these are indeed, normal.  You mean average people feel these things every time they lay down?  Weird. 

The Anterior Superior Iliac Spine.  Yeah, I looked it up.  Those bumps that help hold my pants up are now painful at times.  Not when active, nothing like arthritis.  They hurt when I lay down on my stomach - my preferred sleeping position.  I think it is more accurate to say that my skin hurts. Having less padding between the bones and skin has apparently made me very sensitive to the pressure.  I frequently find myself putting a pillow under my pelvis (in addition to the thick mattress pad we also have) to give a little extra cushioning. 

I also have lower back pain - a common complaint in WLS patients.  Our center of gravity has changed, and our core muscles are having trouble adjusting to the redistribution.  In my case, my large chest has always caused some back pain, and now that weight is leaving other parts of my body much more than my chest, that increased ratio has resulted in increased pain.  Just leaning forward when brushing my teeth can be fine 20 times, but the 21st and I look like the stereotypical old man, hunched over with a hand on their back.  Most frequently the pain comes when I'm getting up from a lying down position.

I enjoy seeing muscle definition in my legs and shoulders.  I think seeing definition in my clavicles and shoulder blades is attractive!  I never carried much of my weight in my legs, but the jogging has reshaped them anyway.  Feeling the steely tendons around my knees is fun.  Which brings me to a LACK of pain in my knees.  Many morbidly obese people have significant orthopedic issues, hip pain and knee pain being very common.  I was lucky not to have those.  However, I have always had "bad" knees, and even when just "overweight" would have problems where my knees occasionally "popped" out of alignment when I was running or climbing.  That would result in my being on crutches for a week or two at a time.  It didn't happen when I was a morbidly obese adult because I wasn't doing high impact exercise. 

When I started Couch-to-5k training I was very nervous about how my knees would react.  I found that if I opened up my stride and ran it hurt my knees almost immediately, but if I ran short strides low to the ground I stayed pain free.  Having my muscles and tendons tighter than they've probably ever been has given me more support, and I haven't had one incidence of "popping".  Yesterday I actually jogged 25 minutes and felt fine (although really tired) when I was done.  This is a picture of me from last Friday when I finished my first 22 minute jog.

A little hot, a little sweaty, tired and thirsty - but happy.  I can't say I ENJOY jogging, but I find it very rewarding when I'm done.  In two weeks I should be jogging 30 minutes at a time - that is supposed to be the equivalent of a 5k!  When I have completed that challenge, my goal is to 1) choose a 5k to actually run in and 2) Start training my dog in the Pooch-to-5k so that we can change our morning walk to a morning jog.  Next goal - Tackle the Tower  - a stair climbing challenge to climb the Terminal Tower in Cleveland. 

However, parts of my mind remain stubbornly unchanged.  I find myself choosing sedentary things - being online (like now), watching TV, reading - more often than active ones.  I can and do join my kids when they go swimming, play ball, etc for a while, but then often grab a book while they continue to play.  My fitbit calls me active, burning lots of calories and getting over 10,000 steps a day, but I have long periods between active times when I sit - and I don't have a desk job.  I hope those periods start to decrease.  I know once the school year starts I will be standing and walking 2 1/2 more hours a day M-F again.  The head-work continues to be the hardest part of this journey.

Looking forward to my 6 month post-op checkup on my 42nd birthday next week.  I'll be sure to post again then.

Bariatric Betty embraces "athlete" - new pic

OK, so that was a bit of a tease.  The "athlete" I am embracing is the title, and getting used to using it for myself. 

It should come as no shock that I've never been very athletic before.  How many morbidly obese people are?  When I was on a swim team in elementary school I was quickly labled slow and used to fill slots at meets where we didn't have enough "good" swimmers to compete.  Let me tell you, being told to compete in the 100m butterfly when I couldn't even really DO the butterfly was humiliating.  Heaven forbid they just let the lane be empty.  I was OK on diving team - not great, but at least I could place occasionally.   I played defense on the community league soccer in junior high.  I enjoyed biking to school a lot through high school, and became a lifeguard.  As an overweight adult I spent a year doing Master's Swimming (without going to meets, just working out with the team) and became a pretty good endurance swimmer (1-2 miles).   As an obese mom I spent hours biking to earn points for Weight Watchers. As a morbidly obese mom I finally gave in to encouragement and started doing Tai Kwon Do at the school my sons attended.  That was REALLY fun.  In fact, after about 4 months I competed at a tournament and won the only gold medal/ first place in an athletic event I have ever received.  *Full disclosure - it was only me and a grandfather competing in that round, but I was still proud I beat him, and so were my kids!

I have been walking 1-2.3 miles a day with my dog for the past 3 years.  Most days 2.3 miles since surgery.  In the winter before surgery I picked up an elliptical on Craig's List and used it religously.  Starting at 6 weeks post-op in April through June I was walking an additional 5000 steps a day M-F as a school monitor, and that boosted my average daily steps up to at least 14,000.  When school ended for the summer break I knew I needed a plan, so I started Couch-to-5-K training with my two boys. 

I've talked about that in previous posts, so for those who want to learn more about the awesome program check out www.coolrunning.com for details. 

A few months ago I purchased a body fat percentage monitor to help keep track of progress when it isn't showing up on the scale (I also measure my waist, chest, biceps, and thighs occasionally).  In the user's manual it instructed you to choose between the "normal" and "athlete" setting.  There was a calculation in the manual where you multiplied a factor for the intensity of your workout, times the factor for the frequency of your workout, times the factor for the length of your workout.  If the answer was 60 or higher, you should choose the setting "athlete".  If it was below 60 you should choose the setting "normal".  I was befuddled.  Some days I walked for an hour (medium intensity, long time), some days I did Couch-2-5-k training and walked 30 or 45 or 60 minutes in addition (some medium, some high intensity, variable time).  I worked out everyday, and the frequency maxed out at 5 times a week.  Most ways I calculated it, I came out to 60 or more.  So, I could choose "athlete".  But, I didn't feel right doing that.  When I started using it I was still obese - and while I was working out frequently, how do you reconcile that with "athlete"?

The idea of the "athlete" setting is to indicate that your muscle mass may be higher than that of the average person.  When I started measuring I was obese (no longer "morbidly obese", but still obese).  Regardless of the amount I was exercising that week, or the last few weeks, I didn't think I had the muscle mass they were talking about.  So I decided to watch for an indicator that made me think I could justify the "athlete" setting.

About a month ago I found out that my lower half no longer floats in the swimming pool - weird.  Of all things, floating has always been something that overweight people are generally good at.  I was no longer obese, just overweight, but only my top half liked to float.  If I was vertical in the water I had to really actively tread water to keep my head up.  Huh.  OK, maybe I was getting closer - but I felt that I would find a better indicator.  About a week ago during a stall I realized that I had lost another inch around my chest in the last 6 weeks.  And my body fat percentage on the normal setting has gone from 36 to 33% in the past 3 months.  Good progress!  A little algebra and I figured out that at my heaviest I probably had 54% body fat.  Painful to note, but good inspiration.

Today was V-Day.  I had been looking forward to/ dreading todays couch-2-5-k training all week - instead of alternating jogging for a period with walking for a period, today I was going to jog for 20 minutes straight.  I prepared my family that it was going to be tough, that I was going to be exhausted, but I thought I could do it.  The last training session of week 5.

My first nice surprise was that my almost-12 year old (who was recently struggling with motivation, see prior posts) decided he was going to run the 20 minute jog with me.  The last workout he did a 180 degree turnaround and stuck out jogging for both the 8 minute jogs instead of complaining and wimping out after 1 minute like previously.  This morning he said "I'm doing it, too, Mom."  I was so happy.  So we started the 20 and he chimed in "I think I'm gonna do that 5 k with you, too" (having previously announced for the last couple weeks that he would cheer me on, but he wasn't gonna run it with me).  More grins.  My 9 year old was responding well to his brand new inhaler - so it looks like part of his difficulty was that he has exercise-induced asthma (it kicks in just after 3 minutes of jogging).  More grins.  I passed the 10 minute mark (having already lapped my almost-12 year old once - hah!) and realized I felt good.  Came up on the 15 minute mark and realized I was not feeling like I was dying.   I should trust this program by now - each time I've dreaded something and thought I might not be able to handle it, it hasn't been bad!  As we finished our last lap I was getting ready to lap my almost 12-year old for the third time when he saw me coming and picked up the pace.  Oh-no-he-d'int!?!  So I extended my legs and RAN for the last 1/2 lap,  And passed him by a TINY bit.  Sorry sweetie - but now your Momma has got game.   

So I have decided to proudly switch to the "athlete" setting.  It feels right today.  And on that setting, I was happy to see that I now have 29.9% body fat.  That is considered "normal"!  I'm not going to get hung up on reaching the BMI "normal" - so it is welcome news that some calculation out there already has me at "normal" when I'm not done yet.  I imagine that even if I don't lose a lot more weight, I will lose more fat/ gain more muscle.  In my head I heard Olympic Theme this morning, 8 hours before it will be broadcast from London.  I acknowledge proudly, as of today, I am an athlete.

Bariatric Betty Faces the Inevitable

So I knew this time would come - the Stall.  When anyone loses weight, they go through periods of time when they don't see much progress.  The first couple weeks/ months are usually full of rewards like watching the numbers on the scale go down steadily, fitting into new sizes of clothes.  It's great!  But at some point your body say "Hold on, let me adjust." and your numbers stop going down. 

In the past, this was very hard for me.  I would be following the plan, eating healthy, working out, and want to see results.  One way to get out of a stall is to eat less, another is to workout more.  When I was a teenager I did both those things repeatedly until I wasn't eating for days and started passing out.  Not good.

In my adult life I have understood that stalls happen, and yes - you can shake up your exercise routine and sometimes it will start the losing again.  But once you're on a healthy low calorie diet, eating less will not help weight loss, it will start a process where you body will go into starvation mode and hold onto weight in an effort to "save" you.  And if you increase your exercise, you have to be prepared to keep the same level of exercise.  So when I was on weight watchers and started biking 5-6 miles a day it helped me earn points and lose more weight - but when I couldn't bike that much any more I gained it back - because my body adjusted to mega exercise and when I went down to just being active the weight stopped coming off, and eventually started to come back on.

Imagine swearing off your favorite foods, working out over an hour a day, eating less and feeling hungry most of time, and then the weight stopped coming off and you were STILL OBESE.  Still not fitting into regular sizes and still getting the looks and comments from rude people who thought you were lazy and lacked self control, and still having major health issues.  After months of dieting - 6 months, 9 months, a year.  Still being obese.  After a while, you start thinking "Why am I doing this if I'm still going to be obese???"

So here is the change - I have hit a stall, and been warned it can last weeks to months, but this time, I am already NOT OBESE.  I am already NOT DIABETIC.   I already have a lot more energy and abilities - thanks to the surgery I was able to change enough things before this stall to be prepared to stick it out.  I already know it's worth it, even if I don't lose another pound.  But I do want to lose more!

I also prepared for this in another way - I have been measuring my body to see the changes in inches as well as pounds, and monitoring my body fat percentage.  I have not lost weight and my body measurements haven't changed for almost two weeks, but my body fat percentage has gone down 1.2%!  That means that I lost over 2 pounds of fat and gained that much muscle.  So I am making progress, this isn't a stopping point, it just means my progress isn't as easily measured or observed.


I am also continuing to up my physical fitness with the couch25k program.  Yesterday we started Week 3, where we doubled the longest time we had jogged so far.  I have to say, I really like this program and would encourage other non-runners to try it.  You can find it at www.coolrunning.com.   I keep waiting to get to a point where I say "Oh my gosh, this is too much!" but it really keeps you progressing at a good pace.  Was I tired after the longer runs?  Yes.  Was I happy to see the time was up and slow down to a walk - you bet.  But I'm not scared of doing it again tomorrow.  My boys are continuing to do really well on it, too.  My older son finally got sweaty yesterday at week 3 - yay, we caught up with his physical fitness level!  My younger son handled the bump up yesterday incredibly well.  He doesn't want to talk about how well he's doing while we're doing it, but at the end he says "it wasn't that bad".  For him and running - that's high praise. 

Bariatric Betty firsts at 6 weeks out

So this has been a relatively quiet week, but I wanted to share a couple of firsts that happened this week.  First of all, I have made it to transitional foods.  I can enjoy small amounts of iceberg lettuce now, so salad has come back into my life (YAY!), and I also found that I can tolerate a hard taco shell.  Better than regular taco shells, I found these mini ones by Taco Bell that come 24 to a box (instead of 12 or 18).  They're tiny, and when I filled 2 of them with some beans, cheddar cheese, a little lettuce, salsa and bit of greek yogurt - DELICIOUS.  As long as I chew them to death ;)

I also am off physical restrictions - so I can now lift more than 10 pounds and I can do any cardio exercise that I want.  So far I've gotten back on the elliptical for the first time in addition to walking, and I'm hoping to swim later today!  Still can't do any weight training because I don't consume enough calories to build muscle.  But not having to worry about how much groceries or laundry weighs is liberating.  And the elliptical felt really good.

I also wore my first size 14 pants this week (followed by my second, third and fourth - thank you budget bin!) and that was wonderful.  I realized I haven't been this weight for about 13 years.  That's a really weird thought.  I haven't seen my weight go down by much this week, but I couldn't fit into these jeans 2 weeks ago, so it's ALL good. 

Here's a funny thing I experienced for the first time.  I was wearing one of my size 14s and walking my dog, and felt this funny pressure on my front in two spots.  Not discomfort, but pressure.  My pants weren't sagging (which happened ALL the time when I was a larger size) off my backside, and I realized that SOMETHING was holding them up.  Not my stomach.  Usually when I had pants that didn't sag, it was because they were cinched so tight around my waist (in the belly button region) that it would start to hurt after an hour.  But that wasn't happening.  My stomach felt comfortable, and the waistband was below the belly button region, anyway.  There was a gentle pressure on each side... the jeans were being held up by something firm... HUH - Hipbones!  I do not mean that my hipbones are protuding, even lying down on my back I have to press into a 1" good cushion of padding to FIND my hipbones.  But, what it means is that the hipbones WITH the padding are now supporting the weight of my pants and holding them up!  OK - for my friends/ readers who have never been obese you are probably going "Ummmm, yeah?" but you need to understand that this is a brand new thing.  I'm an apple shape, and have no easily definable waist for the most part.  Even now as my stomach is decreasing in size, the apron of skin that is growing from shedding the fat is taking it's place as a new type of spare tire.  But it's more movable and compressable, so my jeans have found something new to hang onto - hips.  Huh.  Cool.  And much more comfortable. 

I also enjoyed celebrating my son's 9th birthday last week.  It was great, and since I'm allergic to chocolate I had no tempation with his choice of desserts for the parties (chocolate chip cookies and brownies).  Most fun of all, I got lots of compliments from my friends who saw me.  Talk about getting a swelled head!  I'm looking forward to baking things that are a greater challenge for me to resist and then celebrating my restraint in a couple of months.

Bariatric Betty - 5 weeks out, new totals, new job!

So today is day 36, and tomorrow I get to start trying transitional foods.  That means very small amounts of super-toasted bread products (the crunchier, the better) and things like a bite or two of iceberg lettuce.  Woo-hoo!  Chewing continues to become more and more important as I eat more things that won't just slide out the tiny opening in my stomach.  I've had several reminders to CHEW MORE like two unchewed lentils stuck together blocking that opening and causing pain and vomitting.  Once it was a shredded piece of cheese.  The new crunchier foods increase that risk if I don't chew well.  I continue to feel uneasy about eating in front of others outside my immediate family because of this, but I'll keep working through it.  My best friend was sweet enough to not only give me the entire menu for her wedding reception, but to tell me the restaurant that's catering it, so I can try things ahead of time if I want.  I'll still need to eat protein I pack, but I could at least taste some palak paneer!

So lots of good news this week.  As of today, I actually weigh the weight on my driver's license!  That is very exciting, and again makes me wonder why they don't actually have us stand on a scale (without our seeing the weight) that would automatically enter the weight in the computer at the DMV (and not put it on the driver's license for the world to see).  After all, if I had disappeared a year ago, they would have been looking for someone that weighed 52 pounds less than I did - how would that have helped them find me? I have actually imagined that heaven forbid I had been murdered and they found my body, them saying "Nope, this can't be that girl, she's much more obese."  HELLO - how many of the people getting license give their correct weight?  I'm guessing even those who have never been obese fudge a little.

Yup, 52 pounds!  My BMI has gone from 42.1 down to 33.9.  I'm losing 1 to 2 pounds a week, which is right on target for now.  It will slow further as I have less to lose.    I'm very excited about achieving my next goal - no longer being obese.  When my BMI gets to 29.9, I will be overweight, but not obese.  Celebrating being overweight sounds oxymoronic, but when you started out being Morbidly Obese, it's a real milestone. 

So yesterday I brought a pizza party to my son's classroom to celebrate his birthday.  I suggested that instead of cupcakes or cookies, because I figure by giving them a lunch of cheese pizza, grapes, and water they were probably eating the same number of calories they would normally get at lunch, but it felt like a huge treat.  The kids had a blast - and funny enough I didn't have the slightest craving for the pizza.  I didn't even want to lick my fingers as I plated all 24 servings.  I used to love pizza. 

So after lunch I stopped by to chat with the principal and let her know that I will be all healed up and off restrictions after our spring break, so if she needed anyone to sub as a monitor (watching the kids for lunch and recess) I would be available.  She had offered to hire me fulltime (2.5 hours a day M-F) last fall after I had applied as a sub, but I had told her that with the planned surgery I would be out a couple months in the winter/ spring, and didn't think it would be fair to them.  Her response was "How did you know?  Did you know?  That I just got two resignations this morning?  They're on my desk right now!"  So, I'm hired "fulltime" as of 4/16!  The pay isn't great, but I will only be working when my kids are in school, I'll have a really good idea of what's really going on in the elementary school, and hopefully I can help keep the peace.  Given my strong sense of fairness and sense that school should be a safe place for children, I hope neither the principal nor I regret this!

The interesting thing is I realize now that I probably couldn't have done this last fall when I applied.  You see, you constantly stand and walk for 2 1/2 hours.  While I was walking 2 miles a day, doing the elliptical for 1/2 hour (5 miles) and other active things, just standing for an hour used to make me sweat.  I remember volunteering at the bookfair and walking around a small room helping kids for 1 1/2 hours and being sweaty and exhausted.  Because when you are morbidly obese, your body works really hard just STANDING for a long period.  It was easier to do 5 miles on the elliptical than stand/ walk a little for 1 1/2 hours.  

So I'm going to start increasing the lengths or my walk with my dog now to make sure I build up my endurance a bit more before starting my job in April.  I know my body is totally different now, and I'm not as limited as I was, but I'm still obese and at my current approx. 600 calories a day, my energy level isn't sky high by any means.  At least I know I will be guaranteed a lot of walking (in addition to walking my dog) for the rest of the school year.  Once summer starts, I'm looking at starting Couch To 5k training with the whole family.  Now that will be interesting. 

Pre-admission day

So yesterday I spent 8 hours at hospital C.  The first 1 1/2 hours were waiting for my pre-admission testing orders to show up :(  They had a packet from the Center for Bariatric Surgery (CBS) for me, but for some reason I wasn't yet registered in the computer, showing up with a surgery date, or with orders for my tests.  That was a little nerve wracking, but I figured it would get worked out, and it did.  Better now than on the day of my surgery!

I had 7 tubes of blood drawn, an EKG, a health history, a pulmonary functioning test, and an exam and medicine review by one of the center doctors who handles in-patients.  Then we had 1 1/2 hours of group classes with the nutritionist and the nurse.  The rest of the time was spent waiting for our turns with the various techs, nurses, and doctors.  We also had a taste-test for protein products that we could purchase at the CBS or elsewhere.   Not anything I'll ever crave, but several were tolerable. 

I was very lucky - all of my tests came back fine.  I was the last one of my group of 7 other bariatric patients to have the pulmonary testing, and she said "Ah, my first normal all day!"  Others came back with other problems - one has to have three iron treatments by IV in the next week to treat her PREVIOUSLY UNKNOWN severe anemia - Yikes.  At least know she knows part of the reason she's been so tired - it's not just the weight.  Some have to get clearance for things like their blood pressure from their primary care doctors, and everyone other than me has to give themselves blood-thinning injections before surgery, because of risks for clots.  At least one person had to go on a two week Opti-Fast diet before surgery, to lose some weight and shrink her liver.  The nurses and doctor all kept saying "Oh, you're the easy one!" when it was my turn.  I almost felt guilty, because everyone else was having so many issues come up. 

It quickly became apparent that my health was not the only difference.  As a group of 7 women about to have surgery for morbid obesity, we were all ready to spill our guts, share, and bond in our little conference room.  Over and over questions came up that I have read about on the Facebook groups I'm a member of, or in the local support group that I started attending as a pre-op.  Sometimes I volunteered what I knew, other times I said "I think that's something we should ask the nurse/ doctor/ nutritionist". 

I can not tell you how much more prepared I felt than most of the women in the room.  Emotionally, mentally, physically.  I heard comments like "You know, they make low-carb ice cream with protein in it now" and winced.  I tried to explain that while we might have an occasional bite of a treat after we're in maintenance, they really want us to stay away from liquid calories as much as possible.  That anything we eat (after the first 6 weeks, of course) should stay in our pouch as a solid so that we feel satiety.  Went right over their heads; "Well we're not talking about a big bowl of ice cream, just a little one".  Or the woman who wanted the dietician to say it was OK to put Cool Whip on her cappucino protein shake during the liquid phase.  She kept asking in different ways, and the dietician kept saying "Cool Whip doesn't give you anything.  You can add skim milk..." and finally I just said "I think what she is saying is NO."  The inquiring patient was disappointed, because she said she wanted to "pretend it was like regular cappucino".  Ummm.  Missing the point. 

Don't get me wrong, I don't feel better than ANY of those women.  I just feel that I have already asked those kinds of questions, heard the sad answers and started to wrap my head around them.  I feel like I got a head start because of my virtual online and local in person support group.  I know I will come up with crazy ideas, too.  But that's why I'm so glad to have connected with so many vets already - including self-declared "food nazis".

13 days until surgery, and I've got a lot of organizing, planning and shopping to do.  Plus, some local moms are taking me out to dinner and a movie tomorrow before I'm laid up :)  I'm very blessed to be in my situation, and grateful (SO GRATEFUL) for all of the support I've received already.   

Bariatric Betty Looks Back

Why am I obese?  That is a loaded question, and it's one that every obese person has asked themselves over time.  We all have different reasons.  Part of it is genetics, we know that some people have genes that make them prone to obesity - but it doesn't guarantee that they are going to be obese.  The rest is choices they make and that are made for them. 

I was born a normal weight (about 7 pounds) to wonderful parents who have always struggled with their weight, but they've never been obese like me.  As a newborn, my mom's doctor told her that "a fat baby was a healthy baby" and told her to feed me until I stopped and then try to get me to eat again.  So I doubt my body has ever understood satiety and feeling full.  From then on, I was always a big kid, but not obese.

My parents were very health conscious so we didn't eat fried food, or things with heavy sauces, or anything like that.  In fact, as a young child my parents had me believing that raisins were "candy" and graham crackers were "cookies" except at the holidays.  Unfortunately (or fortunately to me at the time), my babysitter didn't understand the drill and introduced me to our corner drugstore and gave me a quarter to pick out any candy I wanted.  The sugar that was just a ten minute walk from my house!  I couldn't go back to not knowing, and my parents had to deal with what became a constant craving.  When I was in elementary school I walked to school with some friends.  Being an early riser I often got to my friends house before they were ready to go, and one time they were still eating their breakfast of sugared ceral.  SUGARED CEREAL!  The mom kindly asked if I would like some, and after being raised on Cheerios and Raisin Bran I jumped at the chance.  Soon I was getting to their house extra early every day and eating a SECOND breakfast, unbeknownst to my mom.  Eventually the mom called my mom to ask why I wasn't eating breakfast at home and my plan was foiled. 

However, I found other opportunities to get forbidden food - joining the girl scouts meant we bought all the food for campouts as a troop - sugared cereals, poptarts, marshmellows...  It wasn't the only reason I was in girl scouts, but it was probably a reason I stayed in so long (until high school). 

In high school I started buying candy on the way to or from school.  My favorite mints were at a bakery on the way.  When I needed money, I started selling blowpops at school that I bought in bulk, and that gave me more spending money.  I hated being overweight, but when my parents would cut back on what I could eat at home, it just made me want to get it somewhere else. 

In my sophomore year I reached a point where I was disgusted by my weight.  Looking back I don't think I looked that bad - after all, being 30-40 pounds overweight now seems like small change, but as a teenager it was brutal dealing with teasing, exclusion, etc.  I had my group of friends, but I wanted to be accepted by more kids.  I knew I wasn't healthy and I wanted to do something about it.  So, I announced to my family that I was going to start eating healthy and asked them to support me.  I made all my own meals, packed my own lunch, and could recite the calorie content of anything.  I started exercising at a gym several times a week in addition to walking and biking to/ from school.  No junk food.  No desserts.  No candy.  The weight started to come off.  Then I plateaued.  So I ate less.  Exercised more.  More weight came off.  About 6 months in I had lost about 35 pounds, but I wasn't losing any more.  So I started skipping meals.  I would tell my parents I had already eaten.  Or I had eaten a big lunch.  I lost more weight.  But eventually I started getting dizzy and feeling like I was going to pass out.  After a few days of that feeling something clicked.  I had started this to get healthy, and if I was getting dizzy from not eating, maybe this isn't healthy any more???  I asked my mom to make an appointment with my pediatrician so I could talk to him about eating healthier and make sure I was getting enough nutrients with blood tests. 

I ended up gaining about 10 pounds back and stabilizing for a little while.  But, there was a big change going on OUTSIDE me.  I was getting a lot of attention from guys.  Being naturally endowed, I now wore a 32DD bra, and guys noticed.  A lot.  Some of the attention was rude, some flattering.  I had my first real job in the kitchen of a restaurant, and one of the guys there was pretty cute, and he seemed to be flirting with me.  That was new to me, so I wasn't sure. 

Then one day at work I had to run down to the downstair cooler - a room that is basically a giant refridgerator.  I noticed from the outside that the door was slightly ajar, but that the light was off.  I thought how lucky it was that I had come down here now - the whole cooler of food could have spoiled.  I went inside closing the door behind me and turned to flip on the light.  Suddenly I was tackled.  Someone was grabbing me, groping me, pressing me against the wall.  It was the boy I thought was cute, but this was NOT flirting.  It was an attempted rape.  He had heard me anounce I was going down to the cooler and waited in there with the lights off to force himself on me.  I fought back, found the door, and ran upstairs.  In the main restaurant, nothing had changed.  Nobody had noticed anything.  How was that possible?  Confused, upset, and totally overwhelmed I explained I was sick and rode my bike home. 

I didn't tell my parents.  I was so overwhelmed - had I invited this attack?  I didn't think so, but my appearance sure attracted a lot of attention those days.  I wasn't wearing revealing clothing or anything, but just walking around with a chest that big makes some guys think you're sexy.  I didn't want my parents to overreact.  I couldn't handle any more drama.  I imagined my parents dragging me to the police station.  I imagined the boy saying that it hadn't happened, that he had just flirted with me.  I imagined my parents crying.  I kept it inside, but it found ways to come out.  When boys at school paid attention to me, I freaked.  Sometimes I ran away.  My friends we worried about me, and I confided in them.  They tried to support me the best they could.  They went everywhere with me so I wouldn't feel scared of being alone and getting trapped by someone.  They made excuses for me when I freaked out at a perfectly normal boy.  I had PTSD, but I wasn't diagnosed for another 10 years. 

I gained about 20 pounds in college, but wasn't obese.  I traveled as a sorority consultant for a year and LOVED it, but I missed being by friends and having a real home.  At the end of my contract I found a job in Central Ohio that let me move into an apartment not far from some friends and started working as a clinical trial coordinator and gained a little more weight - I bought all my own food and made unhealthy choices.  That's where I met my husband - he was an outpatient pharmacist and he was the one handing out the study drugs for my study.  Then I went into hospital management.  Soon afterword, I was put in charge of opening up a new satellite for the hospital.  Unfortunately, the doctor I worked with the most was frequently more interested in going golfing than hanging around the office if there weren't any appointments - which made handling walk-in appointments tricky.  Then he started doing what I considered "playing cardiologist".  He started doing stress tests and running holter monitor studies on patients.  This seemed odd because most of these patients seemed very healthy.  Then I started hearing him tell patients "if anybody asks, tell them you had chest pain" and my mental alarm went off.  I told my supervisor and she arranged a "secret" meeting when the office was closed where we made copies of all the charts that we could find of his patients that were having these tests run and then she forwarded them on to the hospital administration so they could investigate the potential fraud. 

Meanwhile, my boss also asked me to start letting them know each time the doctor left the office.  They were trying to gather information that would be used to counsel him, and I thought that was great.  Unfortunately, I put myself in the position of reporting on someone over whom I had NO AUTHORITY.  Here's a clue, if something like that happens to you, say no.  After it became apparent to him that I was "narcing"on his unscheduled absences he confronted me, in his office, with the door closed.  He didn't even know about the copied charts and potential fraud charges.  As he yelled at me, and implied that he was going to do something awful if this continued, my PTSD kicked in.

I finally went to a shrink.  I was diagnosed with PTSD and depression.  I started gaining more weight.  At my husband's urging I found another job. We had been trying to get pregnant for a year and finally did but I had a miscarriage.  That was horrible, but my husband was wonderfully supportive.  When we got pregnant again, I carried the baby to full term and only gained 1 pound!  It seemed a lot easier to eat healthier serving sizes when the baby was depending on me (and having it squish my stomach probably helped too).  A few years later and I had my second son, again only gaining 11 pounds.  Both boys were big (almost 9 and 10 pounds, 23 inches each) but no gestational diabetes or anything.  My weight after both pregnancies was lower than it was before I got pregnant.

When my youngest son was 18 months I could tell something was wrong.  We started getting evaluations for his regressing and delayed speech.  Eventually he was diagnosed with Apraxia - a motor planning disorder that affected his speech, eating, gross motor, and fine motor.  We spent the next 6 years with aggressive speech therapy, 3 years of PT, 2 years of OT and special needs pre-school.  By the time he was in elementary school the school district decided that he no longer qualified for school services, but he was still getting them privately.  I was his cheerleader, his taxi driver, his advocate, and his grizzly mama.  I did not take care of myself.  I ate too much, and I ate unhealthy - which contrary to popular thought is perfectly easy to do even when you're vegetarian. 

During that time I tried to lose weight with nutrisystem.  Then with weight watchers.  Then we began trying to sell our home so we could move back to Cleveland to be closer to all our family and my stress level contributed to me eating more.  I was hospitalized with the onset of diabetes.  I started religiously following the diabetes diet plans and got my blood sugar under control, but now I've been obese for over 10 years. 

Some choices were made for me.  I made more choices myself.  Being heavier used to make me feel safer in some ways, but now I know that it will kill me.  There is nothing safe about being obese.  In Cleveland I feel closer to family, loved by my husband and sons, and ready to take control of my health. 

Bariatric Betty and her BMI battle

Well, now that I know that I want to have my surgery at hospital C, I'm just waiting for the phone call from my assigned Personal Patient Advocate to start scheduling everything...

Meanwhile, I have been working on healthy changes at home.  It started out with a search for an elliptical at a bunch of garage sales.  That didn't pan out, but something else happened.  A neighbor offered me his Total Body Gym and treadmill for FREE.  I'm not a huge treadmill fan, and I think I'm lifting enough weight for the moment ;P but keeping my family, my future self, and the price in mind - I accepted.  Now I need to find some big strong guys who can help get it out of his basement into ours... (the current owner had a back injury/ surgery that prevents him from using, let alone moving them).  Then, after missing a great reconditioned elliptical at a Sears outlet by 1 hour, I decided to try out a bottom of the line basic model sold at Walmart for under $200.  My review - it works, as in it goes in an elliptical path and makes me sweat.  The console doesn't do great readouts (some of the numbers blink in and out of readability) but I can see how long I've been on it, and the resistance seems to work.  Given what I paid for it, I think that's pretty good.  I'm going to work on tightening the bolts to get rid of a thunking sound I hear every revolution.

So I've also cut down on snacking after dinner.  I used to have popcorn, or light fro-yo, or something after dinner.  Between our kids having their community sports gearing up and a concerted effort to distract myself most nights I'm not having dessert/ post dinner snacks.  I'm still walking at least a mile a day and now doing about 15 minutes a day on the elliptical (which sometimes says I have burned 144 calories doing it), and I have actually lost a few pounds in the last two weeks.  Now, my only concern is a strange one.  What if I lose enough weight that I'm no longer elligible for the surgery?

My BMI is 41, but in three more pounds lost it will be 40.  Currently I qualify for surgery by having a BMI over 40.  I will still qualify for surgery with a BMI 35-40 because of my co-morbidity of type II diabetes.  To drop under 35, I would need to lose 33 pounds from now.  Unlikely, but possibile.  Because I will be on a medically supervised diet for 90 days after my initial surgical consult, I should be continuing to lose weight.  I doubt I can lose 33 more pounds in that time period.  If I could, I wouldn't be considering this weight loss surgery.  The last time I lost 33 pounds it took me 5 months on a very restrictive nutrisystem diet.  So why am I worried?  I guess logically I'm not.  But it does seem strange that for some reason I wouldn't want to lose TOO much weight. 

The other part is that when I lose that much weight I haven't been successful at keeping it off.  I feel hungry all the time, and start thinking things like "why can everybody eat a piece of bread except me and I'm still obese?"  That's what I'm hoping will be taken care of by the surgery.  That I'll have a tool that lets me feel full - REALLY full, after eating just a small amount of bread, protein, vegetable, etc.  Then I won't want more.  A friend told me about a friend of theirs who had the surgery and for two years was religious about what they ate. After two years, he came into the breakroom and saw the every-present donuts and said "You know, I want a donut!"  So he cut a quarter of a donut off and ate it, smiled and said "OK, I'm full".  That's my dream.  Two years after surgery to be at a healthy weight, be able to have a couple bites of a dessert and say "OK, I'm done." 

Waiting for that phone call....