Bariatric Betty laughs and victories (scale and non-scale)

OK, for everyone who needs a laugh... My "shrinkles" (wrinkles of excess skin) continue to be amusing.  Most recently I found out that when you have goosebumps on top of shrinkles, it can look really bizarre.  Note to the non-WLS patient readers - we get cold, a lot.  Imagine that you had lived most of your life wearing multiple wool sweaters in all weather, and then suddenly they were taken off.  Our thermostat is out of whack, so we tend to get cold easily (and stay cold a long time) just like the elderly.  Anyway, catching site of myself naked while chilled led me to an instant one-phrase description: Pink Seersucker!  That's what my skin looked like.  I was amused enough to consider taking a picture - but not crazy enough to do it.  Pseudonym or not, I don't want naked pictures online!  So after googling pink seersucker online, here's my best representation of what "shrinkled" goose-bumped skin looks like:

The only thing I would add is that the goosebumps appear about 4 times larger than they do on normal skin - I think mostly because the skin is so loose.  It looked a cross between goosebumps and hives!  

During my stall, I've kept looking for NSV's.  The most recent one was I went through the last of the clothes that I purchased 6 months ago (at 5 weeks post-op) at our school district's sale (Budget Bin).  On the last day of the sale, you can purchase a bag for $5, and then fill it with anything!  I chose to buy a lot of clothes that way, since I was still a size 16 in pants, and 2x/1x in tops.   Everything was just on faith that I might fit into them someday.  I got a lot of pants, because I had already discovered during the first 5 weeks of shrinking that while you can wear too-big shirts forever, too-big pants will FALL DOWN.  Of course, it is flattering and emotionally strengthening to wear correct sizes, but during the rapid weight loss phase, you simply can't affort to keep buying new clothes.  So, I got a lot of 14s and 12s, some 10s, and 1 pair of size 8 and one pair of size 6 pants.  I really never expected to go below a size 10.  When I was starving myself to be skinny in high school I wore a size 10 at 112 pounds.  Since I know that wasn't a healthy weight, I knew I would never be that small again, but then there is vanity sizing. 

A size 10 now isn't a size 10 from 25 years ago.  Talking with some neighborhood moms has reinforced my estimation that you can weigh 30-40 pounds more (plus have given birth to children - that means wider hip bones, people) and still fit in the "same size" you used to.   So when I got down to a size 10 I was surprised and pleased, but I knew that it's also a lie they sell us.  Then a little while ago I blogged that I bought some size 8 jeans.  They actually fit.  That was unexpected for me -although not for my mentor Jojo, who has been telling me I would fit in a size 8 or smaller since I was pre-op.  She's smirking right now and thinking "I TOLD you so!".  I had only gotten the size 8 and 6 pairs of pants because they were "free" since I had extra room in my bag, and from upscale shops.  So here's the NSV - the other morning I was getting ready for work and realized the the jeans I was putting on were stained, and everything else that fit was in the laundry already.  I dug through my drawers and found the Size 6 Ann Taylor khakis and thought "Why not try them?" and they FIT.  Well, they fit around my waist and hips - they weren't petite so I had to wear boots with heels so I didn't trip (note to self- never again wear heels to work, walking constantly for 2 1/2 hours in heels is PAINFUL).  Now for the reality check - I also just tried on a 10 petite pair of jeans that I found in the same drawer which I had missed before and other than being highly unflattering - they were snug around my waist.  But still - I'll take the NSV - I fit into a size 6 pant!

The stall has broken!  My second longer stall (about 4 weeks) and the scale started moving again.  This wasn't as hard for me as you might think.  I'm very happy with my success so far, and when the first big stall happened and I started to wonder if I was at the end of my weight loss - and then I came to the conclusion that if it was, I was OK with that.  No longer diabetic, no longer morbidly obese or even obese, able to jog and keep up with my kids... if I was "stuck" there for the rest of my life, how bad would that be?  Totally worth changing my life for.  Four pounds and a month later and I stalled again.  Again, I didn't feel the panic and frustration I felt before surgery during stalls.  Keep working the program, just be happy for where I am... and apparently I'm not done yet!

As of this morning I am under 150 pounds for the first time since college.  This was the most remote possibility I considered in weight loss when I talked about goals with my surgeon.  Despite what BMI charts would lead me to believe, I don't believe I can be a healthy weight below 135.  Being top-heavy with a large chest and broad shoulders, not to mention my excess skin, the range of 113 - 141 for "normal" for average people people my height doesn't translate well.  So I had talked about wanting to get down into the 160's, that I would be thrilled to be in the 150's and I guess the lightest I could imagine being happy and healthy at was the 140's.  And now I'm there.  Whoa. 

So I'm not even 8 months out and I've lost about 95 pounds.  I don't think I need to lose any more (although my vanity would like to be able to say "I lost 100 pounds!").  I would like to exchange some more fat for muscle (around my abdomen, where I have always carried the most fat) - but wouldn't everyone?  We don't get to choose where our fat comes off.  My non-existant rear-end has thinned out further, and my legs which always were one of my best features have enough excess skin hanging on them that when I lift my leg up while laying down, it looks like one of those drippy-candles my mom used to have in old wine bottles.

You know, with the excess wax pooling around in layers at the bottom!  It's weird.  I have the bat wings under my arms, too.  All of this I consider battle scars and a strange source of pride - although I have taken effort to learn how to display the best part of my evolving body.  I will wear sleeveless shirts and dresses, but will keep my arms down and in close to my body most of the time - especially if there are pictures.  I'm most comfortable wearing a swimsuit with a skirt to hid the excess skin folds around my rear.  My chest is actually decreasing in size (YAY!!!) - although with the amount of skin I have it still fills a "D" cup easily.  If I ever have plastic surgery it will be a long-dreamed-of breast reduction - although I now wonder if the excess skin was removed how much additional reducing would be needed.  This is a bonus - even at that too-skinny stage in high school I was a 32DD.  I don't know why my body has decided to let go of some of the volume there now, but I'm not complaining!  So much has changed about my life; my body and health, getting a job, and how I can participate in more things with my friends and family.  But inside I'm still the same person, I just enjoy my life a lot more.
 

Bariatric Betty says "no" to brunch, and rape jokes

This last weekend my parents invited us to join them for brunch at their independent living facility.  They reassured me that scrambled eggs would be available, and that the kitchen staff would be happy to prepare an omlet or a veggie patty for me.  They did everything they could to make sure I would be set as a vegetarian post-WLS person that they love.  And it was not fun.  Beyond not fun, I would say that the morning of going there I realized I felt like I was about to do my taxes.  In front of an audience. 

I got irritable that morning, and it only grew when I got an email from my mom letting the whole extended family know that she was going to have my dad take a family picture while we were all there.  Great.  So now I'm hoping I don't get anything stuck in my pouch and have to puke in front of everyone, don't have dumping that leads to explosive diarrhea in front of everyone, and no matter what happens I should plan on being photographed.  I don't know what I would look like in a photo after dumping, and I don't want to find out. 

Before we left I told my husband "This is going to be the last time I accept an invite to go out there for a meal."  Given that he had been sensing my stress and irritability with the situation all morning, it is understandable that his response was "Thank you!" 

I made it though brunch without having to make a run for the bathroom, although there were a couple minutes when it was willpower (go down, dry eggs, go DOWN).  And I looked fine for the picture.  Then I talked to my parents about it and explained that I don't want to make plans to see them or anyone else around meals when it's avoidable.  If it's a matter of me spending a whole day with someone, then obviously I am going to eat with them.  But if it's about spending a few hours together, let's plan BETWEEN meals if we can.  Meals aren't fun social situations for me anymore.  In the best of circumstances they are a time I'm trying to do something I need to do and hope I do it well and don't make myself sick.  On a poorer mental health days they are a time I might feel judged, anxious, tempted, and/ or self-concious. 

My parents took this very well, and understood I didn't want to avoid them or think their brunch/ dining room was bad.  They even suggested we could try doing something less meal-oriented for Christmas/ Hanukkah (I think we'll probably have a serve-yourself buffet in the kitchen instead of a sit-down dinner this year) and Thanksgiving (that one I don't see myself changing).  I don't want to deny my kids or husband chances to have great experiences with family and friends (or myself, for that matter), but having those experiences with me as a stress case definitely lowers if not wipes out the net gain. 

So now on to a more volatile subject.  Rape jokes.  For the past few days I have been reading on www.cnn.com about fallout from a comedian who likes to make vulgar and misogynistic jokes about women.  Apparently he was doing a show and make a joke about someone being raped and when a woman from the audience spoke up and said "That's not funny".  He responded by then making jokes about how funny it would be for multiple men to rape that woman, right then. 

Yesterday I was reading an article written by two women who were talking about why some people are able to find these situations humorous.  They talked about how it is partially because of the perpetuated myth of rape victims "bringing it on themselves" - by how they dressed, by getting drunk, by being in a bad neighborhood, by being alone with someone... That even well-meaning police officers and public officials may inadvertantly contribute to this when they are warning of a serial attacker in a neighborhood and say "Women are advised not to wear tight or revealing clothing, be walking alone..." etc.   That to some men, they twist these words of advice into a judgement that says "if you wear tight or revealing clothing, or walk alone, you are willing to put yourself at risk of being raped".  Never mind that I would be willing to bet that most rape victims aren't wearing tight or revealing clothing at the time of their attack. That some are in fact wearing burqas.  Or onesies.

This concept, of somehow being a willing rape victim, is insane.  Some women will dress in revealing clothing, go out, and look to hook up and have sex.  That is completely UNRELATED to someone wanting to be raped.  Rape is not about sex, it is about violence.  Men who rape are not enjoying sex, they are enjoying hurting someone.  In my opinion, they are less than men because they have lost their humanity.  They are simply violent male mammals.  But people who find rape jokes funny turn this around - they see the women as less than human, as female mammals that can be used to bring them pleasure.  They don't see them as daughters, mothers, sisters and grandmothers. 

Current statistics say that 1 in 6 women in the United States have been attacked.  So this comic probably knows several.  I don't want to challenge him (or even write his name and give him any more audience than he already has).  I would like to challenge the women around him, and everywhere.  If you have been attacked and you are emotionally able to do this - tell the men in your life what that did to you.  The physical pain.  The shattering of your concept of being safe.  The fear that prevented you from having healthy relationship with men for however long.  The fear that may have caused you to be unhealthy - maybe like me you ate yourself into a cocoon that you felt would keep an attacker from picking you (again).  If enough of us share the reality of being attacked, more men will understand there is no humor in it.  Maybe even that comic.

In this train of thought I made a specific choice today.  I usually wear loose fitting tops, partially because most of my clothes are too big at this point, partially because I don't like my chest being defined most of the time.  And hiding my muffin top as well.  :)  But part of the not liking my chest being defined is because of not wanting to be sexualized, or for some twisted person to identify me as a potential target.  Today I thought "I can wear a top that shows my shape and not be a target, so I will."  When I walked my dog two miles around my neighborhood this morning I didn't have makeup on or look super-attractive, but I wore a top that FIT.  And I wasn't scared.  Here's a picture:

Bariatric Betty Faces the Inevitable

So I knew this time would come - the Stall.  When anyone loses weight, they go through periods of time when they don't see much progress.  The first couple weeks/ months are usually full of rewards like watching the numbers on the scale go down steadily, fitting into new sizes of clothes.  It's great!  But at some point your body say "Hold on, let me adjust." and your numbers stop going down. 

In the past, this was very hard for me.  I would be following the plan, eating healthy, working out, and want to see results.  One way to get out of a stall is to eat less, another is to workout more.  When I was a teenager I did both those things repeatedly until I wasn't eating for days and started passing out.  Not good.

In my adult life I have understood that stalls happen, and yes - you can shake up your exercise routine and sometimes it will start the losing again.  But once you're on a healthy low calorie diet, eating less will not help weight loss, it will start a process where you body will go into starvation mode and hold onto weight in an effort to "save" you.  And if you increase your exercise, you have to be prepared to keep the same level of exercise.  So when I was on weight watchers and started biking 5-6 miles a day it helped me earn points and lose more weight - but when I couldn't bike that much any more I gained it back - because my body adjusted to mega exercise and when I went down to just being active the weight stopped coming off, and eventually started to come back on.

Imagine swearing off your favorite foods, working out over an hour a day, eating less and feeling hungry most of time, and then the weight stopped coming off and you were STILL OBESE.  Still not fitting into regular sizes and still getting the looks and comments from rude people who thought you were lazy and lacked self control, and still having major health issues.  After months of dieting - 6 months, 9 months, a year.  Still being obese.  After a while, you start thinking "Why am I doing this if I'm still going to be obese???"

So here is the change - I have hit a stall, and been warned it can last weeks to months, but this time, I am already NOT OBESE.  I am already NOT DIABETIC.   I already have a lot more energy and abilities - thanks to the surgery I was able to change enough things before this stall to be prepared to stick it out.  I already know it's worth it, even if I don't lose another pound.  But I do want to lose more!

I also prepared for this in another way - I have been measuring my body to see the changes in inches as well as pounds, and monitoring my body fat percentage.  I have not lost weight and my body measurements haven't changed for almost two weeks, but my body fat percentage has gone down 1.2%!  That means that I lost over 2 pounds of fat and gained that much muscle.  So I am making progress, this isn't a stopping point, it just means my progress isn't as easily measured or observed.


I am also continuing to up my physical fitness with the couch25k program.  Yesterday we started Week 3, where we doubled the longest time we had jogged so far.  I have to say, I really like this program and would encourage other non-runners to try it.  You can find it at www.coolrunning.com.   I keep waiting to get to a point where I say "Oh my gosh, this is too much!" but it really keeps you progressing at a good pace.  Was I tired after the longer runs?  Yes.  Was I happy to see the time was up and slow down to a walk - you bet.  But I'm not scared of doing it again tomorrow.  My boys are continuing to do really well on it, too.  My older son finally got sweaty yesterday at week 3 - yay, we caught up with his physical fitness level!  My younger son handled the bump up yesterday incredibly well.  He doesn't want to talk about how well he's doing while we're doing it, but at the end he says "it wasn't that bad".  For him and running - that's high praise. 

Bariatric Betty Apologizes and has big news!

First, as all of my readers have no doubt noticed, I have monetized my blog with AdSense.  This is an experiment that may not continue.  I was very upset to see ads for some oral substance that is being advertised as a substitute for gastric bypass on my page.  I have gone into my ad settings to block pharmaceuticals/ medicine ads (as well as some other objectionable things) and hope that I can get it blocked on my page.  I do not want my blog to serve to advertise any FDA approved medicines, let alone NON-FDA approved ones.  Meanwhile, if you see something objectionable popping up on my blog's ads, please let me know so I can continue to tweak the controls.  I was hoping for ads for things like workout equipment, clothing, etc.  I apologize for this sorting-things-out period.  If it proves too difficult to restrict the types of ads on here, I will drop the AdSense stuff altogether.

Now, on to other news.  DRUM ROLL PLEASE......

Bariatric Betty is no longer obese!  I have hit a new goal; having a BMI below 30 - and now fall into the "overweight" category instead of "obese" (or previously "morbidly obese").  I have lost 77 pounds total (47 since surgery) and I am hoping to lose another 20 - 30 pounds.  Right now I have lost what my surgeon determined to be 52% of my excess body weight since the day of surgery.  I will NOT be going down to 123 pounds (ideal weight based on those same calculations) - neither my surgeon or I think that would be reasonable to aim for.  My goal is to get to between 140 - 150 pounds and stay there.  That will put me into a BMI between 25 and 26, which is still officially overweight.  Given the muscle gain I anticipate, my extra skin, and my build, I think that is actually a healthy weight and is one that my doctors think would be great as well. 

This brings up another tool I have started to use.  A body fat loss monitor.  As I become more muscular I wanted to have additional things (other than a scale) to give me empirical measurements to measure my progress.  I have been using a tape measure to track changes in my size, but wanted something else.  So I got a monitor that had good reviews and have begun measuring myself.  Right now I am on the "normal setting" instead of "athlete" (although that will be changing) and my body fat percentage is 36.2%.  For my age and sex they suggest normal is 24-33.9.  So my next goal will be to reduce my body fat percentage to 33.9 or less!

One of the ways I am working to achieve this is by starting Couch to 5K training (see www.couch25k.com  ).  I was very nervous about this - never having been able to run before.  I have bad knees that have "popped out" several times in my teens resulting in knee braces and long periods on crutches.  However, my leg muscles are super strong after all the walking I've been doing, so when I heard about other non-runner WLS patients trying this program I thought I would give it a shot.  My job as a monitor at my son's elementary school was great exercise, adding 5000 steps a day to my totals on average.  Now I am unemployed over the summer and needed to find a replacement for all that 2 hours of walking M-F.  Also, I wanted my kids to be more active and thought "How cool would it be to be able to jog a 5K race as a family?"  So last Friday my boys and I started the 3 times a week training.  So far it has consisted of 5 minutes of brisk walking followed by alternating 60 seconds of jogging and 90 seconds of walking for the next 20 minutes.  I was pleasantly surprised to find that this was not hard for me.  I don't even start to sweat for the first 10 minutes of jog/ walk alternating.  Of course, I'm not jogging FAST - that hurts my knees.  My jog is probably about 4 mph (hmmm, I should check that on a treadmill) with my feet staying close to the ground to minimize impact. 

The first day was difficult emotionally because my 9 year old son was throwing a tantrum almost the entire time.  He doesn't enjoy most changes to his routine.  Add hot weather and flying bugs buzzing around his head (a major fear of his) and he was in tears for about half the training, but he also found out that I meant business - we ARE going to do this.  A little carrot-and-stick later, yesterday we did the 2nd training day (inside on a track at our rec center - a/c and no bugs!) and he came through like a champ.  My 11 year old son is totally on board and enjoying himself.  The program is 9 weeks long (although it will take us 10 weeks because of a upcoming vacation to Colonial Williamsburg) and then we should be able to jog a 5K!  I'm aiming for a Komen Race for the Cure in September in Cleveland, but might do something else if I can find one sooner. 

We've also been going to the pool and local waterpark a lot.  That brought up a need - a swimsuit that fit!  I tried ordering a size 16 petite that I hoped would work, but my bottom half is so much smaller that the suit was flopping around and providing WAY to much of a view of my nether-regions.  I ended up spending over an hour trying on various Land's End tankini combinations and found that my correct size was an 18 top with a size 10 bottom.  Yeah, it's kind of obnoxious.  I know most women are not perfectly proportional, but for the guys out there, imagine if one of your legs was only 1/2 - 2/3 the size of the other and then trying to find jeans that fit.  This was something I didn't deal with as much when I was larger - my waist was much bigger and I looked more proportional (although obese and unhealthy).  But this is how I was created, so as long as I don't get plastic surgery I have left the land of one piece swimsuits for good.  :( 

This is a good time to remind myself that losing weight doesn't bring the body you want - it brings the body you have been given.  It's up to you to make peace with that body and accept it.  I will embrace any body that allows me to live longer and be healthy & active with my family. 

Bariatric Betty 99 days post op; Joy, Pride, and Fitbit!

I went to my 3 month post-op visit this week and got great news!  Since my operation I have lost 40 pounds, which is 46% of my excess weight on the day of surgery. 70 pounds since the beginning of my blog.  The doctor was thrilled and called me a "model patient".  I felt like my teacher just gave me a big gold star, and couldn't stop smiling all day - even when my labs where being drawn.  I also enjoyed wearing my new size 12 shorts that day. 

I got a Fitbit this month, kind of a pedometer on steroids.  It not only tracks steps taken and distance traveled, but flights of stairs climbed, calories burned based on your profile, and has a motivating graphic of a flower that grows taller the more active you have been in the past 3 hours.  I have been LOVING my Fitbit, and the fact that it downloads the info wirelessly to the website, which then communicates my exercise information to www.myfitnesspal.com (where I log my food) automatically - which really simplifies my activity logging.  I've also found  that it motivates me to push myself farther - so I can reach the 10 flights of stairs, or so I can hit a new "record" for steps taken in a day, etc. 

I clip my Fitbit on every morning, and the morning I had my follow-up appointment was no different.  What was different was that by the time I was at my surgeon's office I realized it wasn't clipped on any longer.  I lost my Fitbit.  I back-tracked my errands that morning and have been unable to find it, so I contacted support@fitbit.com and asked them if I could purchase another unit but without the charging base (and therefore hopefully cutting down the replacement cost).  To my surprise, after giving them the information about where I purchased it, on what date, and what email address it was registered under, they offered to send me a new one FOR FREE!  Are you kidding me?  I can't say enough about their customer service.  Their product didn't break - this was all on me and they are sending me a new one. 

So I'm sending a shout-out to the folks at Fitbit today, and it's just part of the reason I'm smiling so much this week.

Here's another.  I've lost two pounds in the last two days.  Huh?  Yeah, we all know that our weight fluctuates daily.  So a one day one pound difference is normal, and I tend to lose 1-2 pounds a week right now.  The weird part is, I was already down 1.5 pounds for this week - and now I lost another 2.  So I found myself grinning as I walked around the neighborhood with my dog this morning.  It's important not to become dependent on seeing weight loss on the scale all the time - I have gone for 5 days or so without seeing a drop, and those are the days that I have to remind myself that my body will go at it's own pace but continue to get healthier as long as I follow the program.  I remind myself that I will have plateaus in the future - real ones that last weeks, not days.  But to not do anything different and lose 3.5 pounds this week instead of 1-2... yeah, baby!

After my appointment, I had another class with the nutritionist.  I explained that I was concerned about trying bread and pasta - both because they could be triggers, and because I was worried about dumping.  She encouraged me to try some small low carb options.  I tried making cheese pizza on Flatout Lite Italian and could only eat about 2/3 of it.  It didn't make me sick, but the bread felt like a rock in my pouch - not really painful but uncomfortable.  I have no interest in trying it again any time soon - no trigger there.  Then last night I tried eating half a small pita bread as a cheese sandwich with provolone, lettuce, and avocado.  It tasted great, but I got that same pouch-full-of-setting-cement feeling after a couple bites.  So I know I CAN eat these grains in moderation without dumping, or having them get stuck.  But I don't WANT to.  Avocado, on the other hand, I think I could eat daily (yum!) if only it was a protein source ;) 

I'm really proud of myself and feel certain that I will get to my personal goal (140-150 pounds).  The surgeon expects that I might be around 150 at my 6 month follow-up! 

I'm preparing for the end of the school year.  I will enjoy spending more time with my sons (most of the time, anyway) and not going to work.  However, I will be losing the paychecks and guaranteed extra 5000-7000 steps M-F that I have been getting as a school monitor.  So, I'm preparing to start Couch to 5K training with my boys.  My goal is for all three of us to be able to jog one as a team by the end of the summer.  I've never liked running, and don't have the best knees in the world, but after hearing about the successes of other WLS patients with this program, I'm really excited to try.  That, walking the dog, and swimming will be my exercise staples over break, supplemented by the elliptical on bad weather days.  We are also planning for our upcoming trip to Williamsburg and some weddings of friends. 

Hoping all my readers have one of these can't-stop-smiling days soon.  Happy Friday!

Bariatric Betty wrestles with Head Hunger and takes a leap of faith

Head Hunger - the feeling you have when your brain is telling you that you are hungry, but you are not.  You might be thirsty, you might have just seen or smelled something that awakened a craving, or you might have just stumbled upon a trigger that used to cause you to eat (emotional stress, a time of day, a social situation..) 

Real hunger isn't something that my stomach can feel yet - it will probably be 12-18 months post-op before I feel that again.  That's part of why this is called the "honeymoon" period. 

So this week has been enlightening in several ways.  First - head hunger.  I have experienced this numerous times before this week and dealt with it OK; drinking more fluids, sucking on a cashew, distracting myself.  This week I experienced a stronger feeling, about 1 1/2 hours after dinner.  I felt hungry.  Not thirsty, but like I didn't have enough to eat.  So, given that I had eaten 1/3 cup of cooked lentils with a couple tablespoons of greek yogurt for dinner, I thought "OK, I'll get a little more lentils.".  Note - not craving something "bad" - head hunger can be sneaky!  I got another 1/4 cup of lentils and started chewing slowly.  After two bites, the "Uh oh" feeling hit, and I went and threw them up.  Yuck.  I cuddled up with blanket I thought about the other head hunger episodes I've experienced and realized that evening time is a trigger for me.  A couple hours after dinner (about the time the kids start saying "can I have a snack") my head is trying to get me into my old habit of having a snack.  I can distract myself, drink more fluids, etc, but it is still trying to fight me.  Weird talking about your brain as if it's another person.  Anyway, I decided the best thing I can do is put it out there.  My kids (and sweet hubby) are never happy to listen to me get sick - so when I said "Hey guys, I just realized I should NEVER eat after dinner.  It will only make me sick.  Drinking and sugar free popsicles are OK, but no food" they listened and I knew I would be held accountable.  Hah!  Take that sneaky head hunger!

I made need an intervention in the future about my consumption of sugar-free popsicles, but for now I will let it slide.

So, a couple of fun things this week.  I have been struggling with what I will wear to my son's first communion and my best friend's wedding reception.  All of my dresses in my closet are too large.  I went online and found an adorable cotton & silk dress that I thought would work for both, and I was going to order my current size, when I realized that the next size down would be $15 cheaper.  We will discuss my rage issues regarding the overpricing of plus-sized clothing another day.  ;)  Hmmmm.  Given that I'm losing about 2 pounds a week right now and my friend's reception is about 45 days away... I ordered the smaller size.  So, that's my little leap of faith - that I will fit into smaller dress size in 45 days.  At my heaviest I was a size 22 dress, now I'm down to feeling like a 18 is roomy.  And a 16 is on it's way to my house! 

My other fun thing happened yesterday - after getting my hair done my curiosity got the better of me as I passed by a Talbot's outlet store.  Oooooo, nice clothes...  Talbot's is a store I haven't set foot in for over a decade.  Too expensive, and my body wasn't Talbot's size.  But the big posters in the window saying "Additional 75% off already reduced prices" lured me in and boy was I in for a surprise!  First of all - Talbot's has plus sizes!  I don't know when that started - I don't remember seeing plus sizes in other stores in the past - it might be just because it's an outlet store.  But for all of you who might wear plus sizes now - check out Talbot's!   Second of all - I don't NEED to wear the plus sizes!   I fit very nicely into several pairs of shorts and pants (size 14) and actually narrowed down my choices based on what looked BEST.  Huh, enough things that fit that I could say "I prefer the way this one looks to that one."  Best of all - sale prices!  I got a wonderful plum corduroy blazer, two pairs of shorts, and four blouses for under $40.  SWEET. 

My last thought - Passover.  For those of you who don't know me personally, my religous background is confusing and I have not ever formally been a part of any religion or congregation.  However, my faith is very strong and I have found a lot of comfort praying Hebrew prayers and celebrating the high holy days for the last decade.  Someday I might make the step to conversion, but right now I have quite enough converting going on in my body and mind (thank you very much).  My family is very supportive - my husband was raised Catholic but fits more into a Zen-buddist Catholic mindset than anything, and since I didn't have a strong religious background to raise our children in, they have been raised in a similar open-minded, inclusive Catholicism.  So this is the first Passover in quite some time that I'm not participating in a Seder (either my own mini-one or one thrown by friends) and while I'm not having anything leavened/ hametz that is more part of my medical journey than spiritual one.  It feels strange.  And my kids miss the matzah!  One step at a time.  But my prayers are just as strong (or stronger) and I know they are heard.

Bariatric Betty's 3 week check up - doing great, BUT...

So yesterday (actually day 19) I had my three week check-up with my surgeon's office.  They were very pleased with my weight, the amount of fluid I'm getting in, the amount of protein I'm getting in, and my walking.  According to their scales I've lost 15 lbs since surgery, which was 17% of my excess weight.  They said that the average lost at one month post op is 16% of excess weight, so I'm already ahead at less than 3 weeks.  She also mentioned that they would anticipate that I will have lost 50% of my excess weight at 6 months post-op.  That would mean I would lose 30 more pounds in the next 5 months - sounds great to me.  So that's the good news.

They were concerned about a couple of things.  First - I haven't been taking long enough to eat.  I found that out myself the night before when I ate my black bean soup in about 10 minutes and was in pain for about the next hour and a half.  That was the FIRST TIME I had even had any discomfort from my pouch.  I was almost happy that it happened, because I was starting to wonder when I would get some pouch "feedback".  So I had already resolved to take a lot more time eating.  I've been getting a lot of volume in my pouch for being 3 weeks out.  I was getting almost a cup in most meals, and they said that eating that quickly means that 1) I probably have been having my puree too thin so it's exiting the pouch too quickly and 2) I'm a quick healer and not very swollen at this point.  They said that I will be able to eat less as my food gets more solid.

Second, I was asking about being allowed to exercise more.  I wanted to start some lightweight free weight training for my arms/ shoulders, and maybe gentle walking on the elliptical.  As my fat is decreasing my arms are starting to get flabby, and I miss the endorphin rush I get working out.  Plus, I keep on reading and hearing others being warned not to waste their window of opportunity/ honeymoon period.  I want to make the most of mine.  This appointment burst a few bubbles.  I was told very bluntly that I'm not consuming enough calories yet to build any muscle, and that if I start working out now, it's possible I could destroy my existing muscle tissue, and then it wouldn't come back.  Whoa.  When I asked about the elliptical I was told "No, because even that will use your abdominal muscles more, and if the stitches in your abdominal muscles don't heal well then you could have permanent weakness in spots."  Oh.  So I said "OK, so just keep walking, you know walking my dog..." and she almost choked.  "You're walking your dog?!?"  I tried to explain that I've come up with strategies if he starts to pull (like standing on the leash) so I don't stabilize with my abs, but that he usually doesn't pull, he just walks at my side.  But, she was still worried.  I tried to explain that my dog HAS to go out at least once during the time that my kids and husband are away during the day, and that I have made sure that I take all the precautions I can.  So I'm not arguing about weight training or using my elliptical - I totally get it.  And I'm going to be very careful walking my dog, but I have to walk everyday and so does he. 

So one of the funnier moments of the visit was with the surgeon's assistant who was talking about how I'll be on regular food before I see them again.  So she says, "Breakfast, talk to me about cereal and milk..." and looked at me.  Huh?  I think I can only say I had a confused deer-in-headlights look.  "C'mon, what do you think about cereal and milk for breakfast?"  Ummmmm.  I don't.  I don't think of cereal and milk for breakfast.  I've been a diabetic for the previous year and a half.  Too many carbs, too low protein, etc.  "No, no.  Think about your rules, would milk and cereal make a good breakfast?  No.  Protein is way too low, right, but it is also a lot of LIQUID calories.  You aren't supposed to have liquid calories.  And it will wash the cereal right out of your pouch - it's like drinking with a meal!"  Oh.  OK.  Right.  But I had a whole nutrition class with one of their nutritionists after the appointment and she felt really confident that I understand the rules.  It was just being asked like that, my brain froze and went "Whaaaaaaaaahhhhhht?"

I had the nutrition class with Orlando, a fellow RNY patient that I met in the hospital.  He's doing really well, too.  I have to say, the support of fellow patients as well as the amazing staff at the hospital means so much.  I talked to them about me attending my local support group vs. the one at the hospital because they're on the same night each month.  The surgeon's office said that was fine - yippee!  And pretty soon I get to start having TVP (texturized vegetable protein) - a staple in most vegetarians' diet. 

Yesterday I also got the formal invite to my best friend's wedding reception in May.  And promptly got anxious about it.  A dinner reception - eating in front of non-family members.  What if my pouch throws a fit and I vomit?  Will there be anything I can eat?  OMG, I've never been anxious like this, but I calmed down and started working through it like a challenge.  OK, I'll ask my friend exactly what is on the menu, then I can see what I might be able to eat.  If there is anything appropriate for me to eat, I can try making it at home a few times before the surgery so that I can see if my pouch will tolerate it.  And I will pack a source of protein that I can eat - maybe cheese cubes, I'll be on normal food by then.  That way I can have a ready protein I can eat out of my purse before I try a bite of anything else.  OK, that will work. 

So I have a bunch of social things coming up.  My son turns 9 this month, and is making his first communion next month.  Then my friend's wedding reception in May, and a family vacation in June.  I need to have clothes that will fit for all these occasions.  The birthday is fine - at a bowling alley, I can get away with loose jeans and shirts.  The first communion will need something dressy, and I will be too small for anything I currently own.  Ditto on the wedding.  And I will need summer clothes for vacation...  Luckily, there is a local community garage sale in about 10 days where they usually have really nice clothing.  I will be all over that sale.  Once my weight stabilizes I will save up and buy some new nice clothes for myself - but it doesn't make sense to waste money on clothes I may only wear a couple times while I'm shrinking. 

I hinted to my family that maybe in 6-9 months they could nominate me for "What Not to Wear" so I could get professional advice on how to dress my new body, as well as a gift card to pay for it.  The response?  "Ummm, they would need you to be in New York for like a week, right?  We'll just save money up for you to shop here."  It is nice to needed. And the poor guys did just do without me for three days and they still don't have me back in full form yet.   Maybe What Not To Wear will decide to make a stop in Cleveland someday :)  I can't complain - not with all the blessings in my life.  My family, my friends, and my pouch.

Bariatric Betty sells her past and her deals with her lying scale

In my former life, I was very active with my sorority.  Many who know me find this amusing, because I was raised by liberal/ hippie parents (brought home from the hospital in a tie-died onesie, no less) and tend to agree with liberals in general.  I also tend to dress super casual and wear little to no makeup on most days.  But it's true.  I love my sorority - Phi Mu - and have served it in many ways over the years.  When I was in college I found that the stereotypes of sororities were false; the women were intelligent, down to earth, and willing to live by stricter rules than the rest of the college students while donating their time and money to local children's hospitals.  What's not to love?  After I graduated I traveled for a year representing the sorority as a chapter consultant.  I supervised and reported on dozens of collegiate chapters and advised them on risk management, recruitment, scholarship, and philanthropy among other things.  Was I skinny?  No.  I was overweight, but nicely put together and with the attitude that I could make a difference in women's lives.  And I did - it was fabulous.  After my term was up, I decided to serve in a different way (I missed having my own home during a 100% travel position).  I was appointed the National Music Chair, which I LOVED.  I have always sung, and apparently word spread of my teaching women to sing while I traveled.  I attended local and national conferences, created choir programs and directed performances.  Later I served for years as a local officer, supervising collegiate chapters (mostly from afar) but still attending conferences and conventions.  As a result I have accumulated a LARGE wardrobe of suits, semiformal, and formal dresses over the years.  Not only because of the number of teas, balls, and conference sessions I have attended, but because of my fluctuating sizes. 

I ended up resigning as an officer of the sorority mostly because of the overwhelming needs of my special needs son at the time.  But I have to be honest, part of it was because of my weight.  I had less and less energy, and dressing up was getting more and more difficult.  Trying to find semi-formal and formal dresses as a 5'2" size 22 was difficult.  Forget attractive, it was just finding things that fit and didn't break my bank account.  So the dresses and suits have gathered dust for the last 5-6 years in my closet.  I donated some of them when I moved about a year ago.  The rest I hung onto for sentimental reasons, and because I thought - someday I might need them. 

No more.  When our local PTAs held their fall community garage sale, I purged my closet.  50% of everything sold goes back to the consigners, and the rest goes to PTA scholarships for graduating seniors.  Best of all, anything not purchased is donated.  So many plus size women will be getting some new outfits - maybe for job interviews, maybe for nights out or weddings.  Mostly, it's me letting go of what was.  I would like to volunteer for my sorority again, and when I weigh less I will have more energy to do so - plus have more fun getting dressed up for parts of it.  I only kept two dresses and one suit.  All are smaller sizes than I current wear, and ones that I actually felt pretty in when I wore them.  6 months after surgery I'll get rid of them too, or take them to the tailor.  The day before surgery I will be donating 90% of my "fat clothes" - only keeping enough to wear for the first month.  And meanwhile I'm buying smaller pants in assorted signs at the same sale - an idea I got from one of the WLS support groups on facebook.  They suggested getting some at garage sales since I will be changing sizes so quickly - you don't want to invest much until you stabilize.  I'm letting go of my obese past - and using the money I get for clothes for my healthy future.

My lying scale.  Ughh.  I look forward to stepping onto my scale every morning.  Nothing in my stomach, I've used the bathroom, I'm only wearing pjs.  This is the lightest I will be all day.  I usually weigh myself and then step back on holding my shoes (which are 1 1/2 pounds).  Here's the thing, when I was weighed at the doctor's office I didn't have my shoes on but it was 5pm.  And it said I weighed 5 more pounds than I did that morning WITH shoes.  Phbbbblltttt.  That's harsh.  I know that you are always heavier later in the day, but ouch.  So I don't trust my scale, even though it is pretty new.  I add 2 pounds onto the weight I get in the morning with my shoes before I record it in myfitnesspal.com log, because I don't want to have a bad surprise when I go back to the surgeon's office.  And I don't want them to look at my log and say "Hmmmm, you say you lost x pounds, but you also say you weight 5 pounds less than you do."  OK, would they do that?  I doubt it.  But it's my insecurity talking.  So I call my scale a liar, add two pounds before logging my weight, and just feel happy when  the number goes down.  And when my clothes fit better.  And when I get a complement.  :)

Lastly, I had to do a drawing project with my kids.  No matter how well I thought I had explained the operation to them, they kept thinking I would come home from the hospital skinny.  I wish!  So we traced my torso on posterboard, and then I drew in all the relevant internal organs.  I showed them the incisions that would be made, and how my Roux-en-Y bypass would rearrange things.  Then I said "When I come home, this outside line tracing my body will still be the same.  The surgery will not take fat away.  The outline will get smaller as I diet after surgery - the surgery just helps me not feel so hungry and lose weight faster."  Then they said "So, in a couple weeks you'll be skinnier".  Uhhhh, no.  "In a couple weeks I'll weigh less but still be obese.  In a couple months I won't be obese, I'll just be overweight., and in a couple of years I should be really healthy."  We'll see if the info sticks this time.  And I'm keeping the posterboard - because 6 months after surgery I want them to trace me again with a different color marker - so I can see how far I've come!