Lots of pics! Starting my first 5-day pouch test/ My 2nd Surgiversary/ My 2nd Triathalon

I haven't posted a new entry in a long time!  I started this one in February and finally am posting in April.  I think that I have been have a lot of negative old-way-of-thinking thoughts - things like "I'll write a post when I have something cool to write about".  But, that's not why I started this blog.  I started it to motivate myself.  I started it to explore what was going on in my head on this journey.  And I've learned that you can't wait for life to hand something to you, you have to go out and make things happen.  So, I did my second triathalon in spite of the negative self-talk that was spinning around in my head, and it helped turn me back around.  Without further ado, here's a long delayed update.

I can't believe I've just celebrated my second surgiversary!  It seems to have gone so quickly, but at the same time it feels like I've been living this new life forever (and that's a good thing).  I celebrated with my family, and having a date night with my husband :)  And, I decided to splurge and bought myself a Fitbit Flex.

This year has been harder than the first - when they say that honeymoon period ends and it gets harder, they're right!  Your cravings come back stronger - that head hunger that you've been battling is still there AND you actually can tolerate more food (and probably more carbs without dumping, but I'm trying not to find that out).  My weight has fluctuated a lot more in the last year.  I was at 142.8 the morning of my surgiversary, which is 0.2 pounds less than I was on my 1st surgiversary and seems to be a stable point (also below my original goal of 150 so it feels great).  However, I have been lighter (down to 140.6) and I have been heavier (up to 148).  What has changed?  1) I'm not jogging right now, although I just signed up for my favorite 5k - The Color Run in May!  2) Part has been the weather/ deep freeze in Ohio and getting a tiny little dog that can't handle the speed and distance of jogging, and part has been dealing with the physical symptoms of pelvic organ prolapse.  But, part of it is 3) being lazy, being at my goal, and not trying as hard.  I have lost some muscle tone, although my size has stayed pretty much the same.  This is due to decreased intake to balance the decrease in calories burned.

My eating has stayed very good for the most part. I usually eat the exact same breakfast, lunch, and dinner every day.  It is boring, but it helps me remember that I'm eating for fuel not fun and it makes sure that I'm eating things my pouch tolerates well.  Being vegetarian and post-WLS, there aren't that many appropriate entrees that my pouch tolerates. Sometimes I find myself eating something I shouldn't as I'm preparing food for my boys (a bite or two of pasta, a pretzel, etc).  And, when I see the scale heading up north of 144 I have a "eat CLEAN d*** it!" moment.  Sure enough, as soon as I start catching myself, the scale starts to head back down.  I have also recently started rewarding myself with my favorite water flavoring drops (Dasani pineapple coconut) in my evening water if I have done a good job staying clean for the day.  That's been a good incentive.

My labs have continued to come back wonderful.  My hemoglobin A1C (blood glucose over an extended period of time) = 5.1  Anything 6 or below is considered normal for non-diabetics, and below 7 is normal for diabetics, so I am definitely still in remission and plan on keeping it that way.  Getting rid of my diabetes was my #1 motivation for having the surgery, and I was blessed to be part of the 75% to go into remission.  It doesn't mean it can't come back though - so I must remain vigilant.

In general I feel great - lots of energy, lower needed doses of anti-depressants, enjoying my job and (most of the time) my kids.  I love having the feeling of control over my health.  It used to feel like my weight controlled me.  Now it feels like I can us my brain to control my health - although it still has moments of poor judgement.  It's very empowering.

I've got the Color Run 5k coming up! I'm going to do a refresher course of Couch 2 5k to get my race legs on.

I just completed my second indoor triathalon, and that felt great.  I almost bailed on it - I haven't been jogging and didn't know the date for it until 2 weeks before hand.  I was worried that I haven't been jogging, and didn't want to injure myself.  But you know what - that was all negative thinking.  The fact is, nobody was going to force me to jog if I wasn't able to.  Nobody was going to make me finish it if I didn't want to.  Plenty of people just walk the track instead of jogging.  In other words, I needed to stop making excuses and just do my best.

I had a little bug a week before hand, and my husband was very nervous about me doing the race, but I reassured him I was back to normal and wouldn't push too hard.  To me, I realized that I can not let myself make excuses that allow me to be sedentary.  Races are motivating for me, and I enjoy the social aspects.

Here are some pics from the day:

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Last year I won the gold medal for my age group - but that was only because I was THE ONLY WOMAN 40-49!!!  I enjoyed the medal, don't get me wrong, but I would rather lose and have competition.  This year my age group was the most competitive - I had 4 other women in my age group!  I'm proud to say I came in second!

So this is a great reminder to all of us not to let our own self doubts, or negative self-talk stop us from trying to do our best.  Did I run as far in 20 minutes as last year?  No, but it was very close.  And, it turns out I was able to swim, bike, and run farther than a lot of other people so I got a medal!  Most of all, I got a reminder that I am fit, and have good abilities from my daily living, even without really training.

As a psychological reboot, I'm starting my first ever 5-day pouch test tonight with the beginning of Passover.  The idea of a 5-day pouch test is that you re-boot your mind and your pouch sensitivity by reproducing the eating plan you went through right after surgery, only compressed to 5 days.  For the first 2 days, you drink fluids only.  Protein shakes, water, crystal light... The third and fourth day you eat pureed soft foods.  And the fifth day you eat regular food again.  It's to help you remember how to use your pouch as a tool, to think of food as fuel, and reconnect you to your commitment that you've made.  I had been thinking of doing it every year on my surgiversary but a family crisis made that difficult this year.  So I thought that Passover would be a good time - after all, I should be unleavened all year round, but the idea of making a sacrifice, much as people do for lent, seemed to align with the concepts of Passover.  Pushing through, doing what you need to do, walking towards freedom and your future, finding strength and renewing faith...  I'll let you know how it goes!

Naked girls, Head Hunger, and Ups and Downs

I haven't written for a while - I've felt like I've been treading water a lot since graduation.  Not specifically with my weight loss, just juggling a lot of family things.  Anyway, the news blackout ends today thanks to my 10 year old son!

My son has apraxia (a motor planning disorder) and aphasia (a language disorder that makes it hard to find/ understand common words sometimes).  I mention this because when he wants to discuss something, it's often something that he's been thinking about for a while and trying to figure out how to say it.  As a result, he comes up with some thoughts you wouldn't expect to hear from a 10 year old, and today was one of those days. 

I was driving him to a birthday party and Miley Cyrus was singing "Wrecking Ball" on the radio.  For those of you lucky enough not to know this, Miley is a 21 year old former Disney star who is desperately trying to shake the Disney-good-girl image and swung naked on a wrecking ball for video for this song.  So, out of nowhere, my son starts this conversation.

Him: "Mom, you know, I think Miley is pushing it too far."
Me: *Chuckle* "Yeah, I think you're right."
Him: "I mean, she's just pushing it to far.  I have a hypothesis. You know, boys like to see naked girls."
Me: "Okay"
Him: "But I think, really, that truly boys want to see girls not."
Me: "Oh, you mean not naked?  That they would like to see them with clothes on."
Him: "Yeah.  That's better.  It's kind of like with you, Mom.  Your brain tells you that you want to eat some frosting.  But you really don't because you know it will make you feel bad.  And it's kind of like that for boys."

Yup, my 10 year old just summed up Head Hunger and hypothesized that it's the same as boys thinking they want to see naked girls.

Oh, and he explained that they were talking about hypotheses at school, but that he had already learned it from watching The Big Bang Theory.  That's my boy.

So what's been going on otherwise.  Well, one thing that hasn't been going on is my jogging.  I'm still getting in 10,000 to 15,000 steps a day, but I haven't jogged more than a couple minutes in a few months.  I haven't signed up for any 5ks for about 6 months.  So is it being lazy?  Yes, that's part of it.  I haven't been motivated to pick up the pace much. 

I do have a couple valid excuses that make it easier to justify walking.  One is our new rescue dog who is 5 pounds and part Chihuahua.  He just can't run fast/ far.  It took a while to build up his endurance to even being able to walk over a mile.  Now that it's freezing out, he also can't be outside for long.

Sharing some personal health and potential TMI (feel free to skip to the next paragraph) - another is my rectocele problem.  Apparently I'm now experiencing pelvic organ prolapse, which means that things aren't suspended in my pelvis the way they used to be.  Sometimes that causes pressure that is a little uncomfortable, and is continuing to cause some difficulties in voiding bowel movements.  In addition to that, it causes occasional incontinence, which is often brought on by bouncing (like jogging).  Now there is a way around this - I can do my best to void ahead of time and not drink a lot before jogging, and wear a pad or something to catch leakage... I've talked to my doctor and she says she's ready to refer me to a surgeon anytime, but that it won't cause any harm for me to wait as long as none of my internal parts start permanently protruding externally, and it's not causing me actual pain.  Neither of those things are happening.  I know I will have to have the surgery at some point, but I'm just not looking forward to it, so I'm postponing it for now.

So what affect is this decrease in activity intensity having?  My weight remains stable, but I have lost some muscle tone.  That means I must have also gained a couple pounds of fat in exchange, but I'm not bothered by it.  I'm wearing the same sizes, and I use my weight stability as a measure.  I've been baking like a fiend for the holidays, and for 99% of the time I have done remarkably well in not tasting the things I bake.  I have more temptations with everyday things in the house, but tend to see any change in my daily weigh-in as a reminder to "Eat Clean, D**n It!".  I have decreased my daily intake to match my lower calorie burning.  Seems to be working, but if I started to see creep on the scale, it would definitely be a motivator.  Maybe I will start swimming laps again... no bouncing there!

I have been feeling an overwhelming sense  of gratitude most days - gratitude that I'm healthy, that I have the energy my family needs from me, that my family is safe and happy and whole.  As we come into the holidays I'm reminded of people who don't have these things.  The anniversary of the Sandy Hook shooting is another reminder.  I decided to do the 26 Acts of Kindness again this year, inspired by the Sandy Hook families.  I'm getting the whole family involved, having them help think of things we can do other than waiting for opportunities to present themselves.  I don't just want to buy something or donate money, I want to do things that make somebody's life a little easier or bring them a smile.  I also think it helps keep us focused on others during this season of rampant consumerism.  Don't think I'm preaching or trying to be an inspiration, I've got a closet full of Santa's surprises that I'll be paying the bill for this month.  I'm just trying to balance that out a little :)

I hope all of you will find smiles of your own, and hopefully getting to spend some quality time with the ones you love this month.  I hope you all had a Happy Hanukkah, have a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year!
 

Bariatric Betty fights habit & head hunger, stands up for Wendy

Last night I realized that my eating has taken a turn for the worse.  Since I returned from my low-activity vacation I realized that my calorie intake when I'm high-activity has probably been a little low.  So, I've made an effort to make sure that at almost 5 months post op I'm hitting at least 1000 calories every day, some days 1100 - 1200.  That's fine.  What isn't fine is that I was getting in those extra 150 - 200 calories at night (around 8pm).  And that's falling back into a bad habit. 

Last night I had eaten well all day, even having an afternoon snack.  I had a healthy dinner, and then two hours later ate 1/2 cup of low-fat ricotta with truvia, torani sugar free vanilla syrup, and rasberries.  Not a bad choice if I needed a snack.  But I didn't need it.  I WANTED it.  And to reinforce that point, as I ate my last two bites my pouch decided to let me know that it was NOT HAPPY. 

I cuddled with my son and my dog and felt bad over my upset stomach while I realized what I had done.  I had a Quest protein bar for a snack at the pool in the afternoon, so I didn't need more protein or more calories.  I ate something because it tasted good and my head hunger tricked me. 

I announced to my husband and kids that I overate, and resolved to blog about as well for accountability.  Tonight I will not eat again after dinner.  Today will be a better day.

I also had a VERY interesting conversation with my sons this week.  They were watching an ad for Wendy's. OK, I just had to check to see if they have Wendy's in Canada/ outside the U.S. - and while they do have a few, for those of you who aren't familiar with it;  Wendy's is a fast food/ hamburger restaurant that was founded by a funny, persistant, and driven overweight man named Dave Thomas.  He named the restaurant after his young daughter, Wendy and made a picture of her in braids their logo.  Dave passed several years ago, and recently Wendy has started showing up in the newer ads.  Wendy is middle-aged now, and overweight.  So my boys were watching TV and saw an ad come on for Wendy's.  Their commentary went something like this:

"Wow, Wendy doesn't look like Wendy (the logo)"
"Wendy ate too much Wendy's"
"Wendy only looked like Wendy (the logo) before her dad named the restaurant after her"
"Wendy's (the person) Dad shouldn't have made unhealthy food at Wendy's (the restaurant)"
"Wendy has not done it, you know... she hasn't gone to the hospital to take care of it and so now she's stuck like that."

This last comment was from my 9 year old, referring to his belief that Wendy needs to get gastric bypass. 

This was all a little upsetting to me.  As a morbidly obese person, I was judged by others and heard harsh comments and jokes made about me.  My sons are both overweight, and although their activity level has increased and their BMI is going down, they have both had other kids tell them that they're "fat".  While I don't feel like they were trying to make a mean-spirited joke about Wendy's weight, I was very surprised that they would think that a stranger's weight was anything they should be passing judgement on, as well as the fact that my younger son apparently thinks that gastric bypass is a simple fix that anyone overweight should do. 

So I engaged them.  I started by asking them "Why do you think people are overweight?" (Ate too much food, ate unhealthy food, didn't exercise enough... fair enough answers) and then ended up explaining that while those are most of the reasons people become overweight, there are LOTS of reasons why people STAY overweight.  I reminded them that I needed to figure out that part of the reason I had been obese most of my adult life was because I felt safer that way because I thought I was less likely to be attacked (again). I finally realized that my weight wasn't protecting me at all, it was just hurting me.  Until people figure out why they are doing what they are doing, they will have a very hard time trying to change it.  We can not possibly know what anyone else's reasons are for being overweight, but we shouldn't assume that bariatric surgery will work for everyone, because it won't.   They weren't very comfortable during this discussion (neither was I) and I don't have a problem with that.  Because they were judging Wendy, and now that they got called on it, I hope they remember that discomfort the next time they think about judging someone else. 

Bariatric Betty wrestles with Head Hunger and takes a leap of faith

Head Hunger - the feeling you have when your brain is telling you that you are hungry, but you are not.  You might be thirsty, you might have just seen or smelled something that awakened a craving, or you might have just stumbled upon a trigger that used to cause you to eat (emotional stress, a time of day, a social situation..) 

Real hunger isn't something that my stomach can feel yet - it will probably be 12-18 months post-op before I feel that again.  That's part of why this is called the "honeymoon" period. 

So this week has been enlightening in several ways.  First - head hunger.  I have experienced this numerous times before this week and dealt with it OK; drinking more fluids, sucking on a cashew, distracting myself.  This week I experienced a stronger feeling, about 1 1/2 hours after dinner.  I felt hungry.  Not thirsty, but like I didn't have enough to eat.  So, given that I had eaten 1/3 cup of cooked lentils with a couple tablespoons of greek yogurt for dinner, I thought "OK, I'll get a little more lentils.".  Note - not craving something "bad" - head hunger can be sneaky!  I got another 1/4 cup of lentils and started chewing slowly.  After two bites, the "Uh oh" feeling hit, and I went and threw them up.  Yuck.  I cuddled up with blanket I thought about the other head hunger episodes I've experienced and realized that evening time is a trigger for me.  A couple hours after dinner (about the time the kids start saying "can I have a snack") my head is trying to get me into my old habit of having a snack.  I can distract myself, drink more fluids, etc, but it is still trying to fight me.  Weird talking about your brain as if it's another person.  Anyway, I decided the best thing I can do is put it out there.  My kids (and sweet hubby) are never happy to listen to me get sick - so when I said "Hey guys, I just realized I should NEVER eat after dinner.  It will only make me sick.  Drinking and sugar free popsicles are OK, but no food" they listened and I knew I would be held accountable.  Hah!  Take that sneaky head hunger!

I made need an intervention in the future about my consumption of sugar-free popsicles, but for now I will let it slide.

So, a couple of fun things this week.  I have been struggling with what I will wear to my son's first communion and my best friend's wedding reception.  All of my dresses in my closet are too large.  I went online and found an adorable cotton & silk dress that I thought would work for both, and I was going to order my current size, when I realized that the next size down would be $15 cheaper.  We will discuss my rage issues regarding the overpricing of plus-sized clothing another day.  ;)  Hmmmm.  Given that I'm losing about 2 pounds a week right now and my friend's reception is about 45 days away... I ordered the smaller size.  So, that's my little leap of faith - that I will fit into smaller dress size in 45 days.  At my heaviest I was a size 22 dress, now I'm down to feeling like a 18 is roomy.  And a 16 is on it's way to my house! 

My other fun thing happened yesterday - after getting my hair done my curiosity got the better of me as I passed by a Talbot's outlet store.  Oooooo, nice clothes...  Talbot's is a store I haven't set foot in for over a decade.  Too expensive, and my body wasn't Talbot's size.  But the big posters in the window saying "Additional 75% off already reduced prices" lured me in and boy was I in for a surprise!  First of all - Talbot's has plus sizes!  I don't know when that started - I don't remember seeing plus sizes in other stores in the past - it might be just because it's an outlet store.  But for all of you who might wear plus sizes now - check out Talbot's!   Second of all - I don't NEED to wear the plus sizes!   I fit very nicely into several pairs of shorts and pants (size 14) and actually narrowed down my choices based on what looked BEST.  Huh, enough things that fit that I could say "I prefer the way this one looks to that one."  Best of all - sale prices!  I got a wonderful plum corduroy blazer, two pairs of shorts, and four blouses for under $40.  SWEET. 

My last thought - Passover.  For those of you who don't know me personally, my religous background is confusing and I have not ever formally been a part of any religion or congregation.  However, my faith is very strong and I have found a lot of comfort praying Hebrew prayers and celebrating the high holy days for the last decade.  Someday I might make the step to conversion, but right now I have quite enough converting going on in my body and mind (thank you very much).  My family is very supportive - my husband was raised Catholic but fits more into a Zen-buddist Catholic mindset than anything, and since I didn't have a strong religious background to raise our children in, they have been raised in a similar open-minded, inclusive Catholicism.  So this is the first Passover in quite some time that I'm not participating in a Seder (either my own mini-one or one thrown by friends) and while I'm not having anything leavened/ hametz that is more part of my medical journey than spiritual one.  It feels strange.  And my kids miss the matzah!  One step at a time.  But my prayers are just as strong (or stronger) and I know they are heard.