Bariatric Betty's body and mind - new pics

I'm coming up on my 6 month post-op point and so much has changed.  Many things, but not everything.

I am no longer diabetic!!!  That will always deserve first billing and multiple exclamation points.  I know that not everybody who has WLS has their diabetes go into remission, and that it can return, but so far I am among the lucky ones and hope to stay that way.  I was just talking to my 9 year old about it yesterday.  That I can assume I will live to see my kids grow up and maybe see grandkids or even great-grandkids some day is something I could not presume before. 

My body continues to morph into a previously unknown thing.  I wrote months ago about the bizarre feeling of realizing that my hips were holding up my pants (instead of my belly).  The first step in that particular revelation was understanding that those two bumps on my front that were feeling pressure from jeans, were in fact, bones.  Bones that I had never before noticed, but had always been there.  These bones weren't visible, but were noticeable for the first time because of the decrease in the fat pad that laid over them.

Recently I have experienced the surfacing of other underlying structures - bones, tendons, etc.  These are not always fun - they are sometimes startling.  I am reminded of an article I read several years ago where a formerly obese woman suddenly notice the prominence of her shoulder blades and thought she might be deformed. 

Lying on my side, the excess skin and fat redistributing down with gravity leaves my hip and pelvis remarkably exposed.  I find myself squeezing them, poking them, and outlining them as I get to know this new "normal" for me.  A few times I have asked my husband to feel them as well, and let me feel his bones to compare and reassure myself that these are indeed, normal.  You mean average people feel these things every time they lay down?  Weird. 

The Anterior Superior Iliac Spine.  Yeah, I looked it up.  Those bumps that help hold my pants up are now painful at times.  Not when active, nothing like arthritis.  They hurt when I lay down on my stomach - my preferred sleeping position.  I think it is more accurate to say that my skin hurts. Having less padding between the bones and skin has apparently made me very sensitive to the pressure.  I frequently find myself putting a pillow under my pelvis (in addition to the thick mattress pad we also have) to give a little extra cushioning. 

I also have lower back pain - a common complaint in WLS patients.  Our center of gravity has changed, and our core muscles are having trouble adjusting to the redistribution.  In my case, my large chest has always caused some back pain, and now that weight is leaving other parts of my body much more than my chest, that increased ratio has resulted in increased pain.  Just leaning forward when brushing my teeth can be fine 20 times, but the 21st and I look like the stereotypical old man, hunched over with a hand on their back.  Most frequently the pain comes when I'm getting up from a lying down position.

I enjoy seeing muscle definition in my legs and shoulders.  I think seeing definition in my clavicles and shoulder blades is attractive!  I never carried much of my weight in my legs, but the jogging has reshaped them anyway.  Feeling the steely tendons around my knees is fun.  Which brings me to a LACK of pain in my knees.  Many morbidly obese people have significant orthopedic issues, hip pain and knee pain being very common.  I was lucky not to have those.  However, I have always had "bad" knees, and even when just "overweight" would have problems where my knees occasionally "popped" out of alignment when I was running or climbing.  That would result in my being on crutches for a week or two at a time.  It didn't happen when I was a morbidly obese adult because I wasn't doing high impact exercise. 

When I started Couch-to-5k training I was very nervous about how my knees would react.  I found that if I opened up my stride and ran it hurt my knees almost immediately, but if I ran short strides low to the ground I stayed pain free.  Having my muscles and tendons tighter than they've probably ever been has given me more support, and I haven't had one incidence of "popping".  Yesterday I actually jogged 25 minutes and felt fine (although really tired) when I was done.  This is a picture of me from last Friday when I finished my first 22 minute jog.

A little hot, a little sweaty, tired and thirsty - but happy.  I can't say I ENJOY jogging, but I find it very rewarding when I'm done.  In two weeks I should be jogging 30 minutes at a time - that is supposed to be the equivalent of a 5k!  When I have completed that challenge, my goal is to 1) choose a 5k to actually run in and 2) Start training my dog in the Pooch-to-5k so that we can change our morning walk to a morning jog.  Next goal - Tackle the Tower  - a stair climbing challenge to climb the Terminal Tower in Cleveland. 

However, parts of my mind remain stubbornly unchanged.  I find myself choosing sedentary things - being online (like now), watching TV, reading - more often than active ones.  I can and do join my kids when they go swimming, play ball, etc for a while, but then often grab a book while they continue to play.  My fitbit calls me active, burning lots of calories and getting over 10,000 steps a day, but I have long periods between active times when I sit - and I don't have a desk job.  I hope those periods start to decrease.  I know once the school year starts I will be standing and walking 2 1/2 more hours a day M-F again.  The head-work continues to be the hardest part of this journey.

Looking forward to my 6 month post-op checkup on my 42nd birthday next week.  I'll be sure to post again then.

Bariatric Betty CANCELS Click-a-thon!!!

Hello sweet readers!

I recently found out that it is forbidden by Google and Adsense to ask readers to click on ads, or use them for fundraising, etc.  So please only click on ads that you want to see information about, keep your normal browsing behavior, etc.  As for my plans, I will continue privately donating to causes without mentioning them on this blog so as not to cause any problems.  My apologies for any confusion! 

Bariatric Betty asks a favor...

The other night I heard from one of my dearest friends, and godmother to my oldest son.  Tomorrow she is having a hysterectomy to rid herself of endometrial/ uterine cancer.  She has a great attitude, is physically and emotional a very strong person and has a great support network.  She knows that chances are good that this surgery might be the only treatment that she needs.  And she spent probably half of the conversation telling me what an inspiration reading my progress on this blog has been for her. 

Seriously - she's preparing herself, her husband, and kids for her major surgery to treat cancer, and she wants to make sure that I understand how much my being open about my sharing this journey has meant to her.  That's the type of person she is - always trying to be there for others.

She's asking for nothing.  She's got a sister who is both a doctor and a cancer survivor as her wingman and advocate.  She's found a great oncologist.  She has both health insurance and a family who loves her desperately. 

So I know that she has friends and family saying prayers for her, and would think this was unnecessary, but I'm going to ask all of you.  If you pray - please pray for my friend Janet and her family tonight and tomorrow.  Even if you don't, please keep her in you thoughts.

Now, I know some of you might have friends or family members who are facing their own challenges right now - and some are probably not half as lucky as my friend Janet to have the support network she has right now.  Some of you may need some prayers yourselves. 

So I'm asking a part two to this favor - if you know someone who needs good thoughts, prayers, or anything like that - leave a comment on this blog or on the post in the facebook group where you saw this link today.  Leave a name, or the challenge, or anything thing you feel comfortable sharing.  And let us all support each other and our loved ones.  Let's share our strength.

Bariatric Betty embraces "athlete" - new pic

OK, so that was a bit of a tease.  The "athlete" I am embracing is the title, and getting used to using it for myself. 

It should come as no shock that I've never been very athletic before.  How many morbidly obese people are?  When I was on a swim team in elementary school I was quickly labled slow and used to fill slots at meets where we didn't have enough "good" swimmers to compete.  Let me tell you, being told to compete in the 100m butterfly when I couldn't even really DO the butterfly was humiliating.  Heaven forbid they just let the lane be empty.  I was OK on diving team - not great, but at least I could place occasionally.   I played defense on the community league soccer in junior high.  I enjoyed biking to school a lot through high school, and became a lifeguard.  As an overweight adult I spent a year doing Master's Swimming (without going to meets, just working out with the team) and became a pretty good endurance swimmer (1-2 miles).   As an obese mom I spent hours biking to earn points for Weight Watchers. As a morbidly obese mom I finally gave in to encouragement and started doing Tai Kwon Do at the school my sons attended.  That was REALLY fun.  In fact, after about 4 months I competed at a tournament and won the only gold medal/ first place in an athletic event I have ever received.  *Full disclosure - it was only me and a grandfather competing in that round, but I was still proud I beat him, and so were my kids!

I have been walking 1-2.3 miles a day with my dog for the past 3 years.  Most days 2.3 miles since surgery.  In the winter before surgery I picked up an elliptical on Craig's List and used it religously.  Starting at 6 weeks post-op in April through June I was walking an additional 5000 steps a day M-F as a school monitor, and that boosted my average daily steps up to at least 14,000.  When school ended for the summer break I knew I needed a plan, so I started Couch-to-5-K training with my two boys. 

I've talked about that in previous posts, so for those who want to learn more about the awesome program check out www.coolrunning.com for details. 

A few months ago I purchased a body fat percentage monitor to help keep track of progress when it isn't showing up on the scale (I also measure my waist, chest, biceps, and thighs occasionally).  In the user's manual it instructed you to choose between the "normal" and "athlete" setting.  There was a calculation in the manual where you multiplied a factor for the intensity of your workout, times the factor for the frequency of your workout, times the factor for the length of your workout.  If the answer was 60 or higher, you should choose the setting "athlete".  If it was below 60 you should choose the setting "normal".  I was befuddled.  Some days I walked for an hour (medium intensity, long time), some days I did Couch-2-5-k training and walked 30 or 45 or 60 minutes in addition (some medium, some high intensity, variable time).  I worked out everyday, and the frequency maxed out at 5 times a week.  Most ways I calculated it, I came out to 60 or more.  So, I could choose "athlete".  But, I didn't feel right doing that.  When I started using it I was still obese - and while I was working out frequently, how do you reconcile that with "athlete"?

The idea of the "athlete" setting is to indicate that your muscle mass may be higher than that of the average person.  When I started measuring I was obese (no longer "morbidly obese", but still obese).  Regardless of the amount I was exercising that week, or the last few weeks, I didn't think I had the muscle mass they were talking about.  So I decided to watch for an indicator that made me think I could justify the "athlete" setting.

About a month ago I found out that my lower half no longer floats in the swimming pool - weird.  Of all things, floating has always been something that overweight people are generally good at.  I was no longer obese, just overweight, but only my top half liked to float.  If I was vertical in the water I had to really actively tread water to keep my head up.  Huh.  OK, maybe I was getting closer - but I felt that I would find a better indicator.  About a week ago during a stall I realized that I had lost another inch around my chest in the last 6 weeks.  And my body fat percentage on the normal setting has gone from 36 to 33% in the past 3 months.  Good progress!  A little algebra and I figured out that at my heaviest I probably had 54% body fat.  Painful to note, but good inspiration.

Today was V-Day.  I had been looking forward to/ dreading todays couch-2-5-k training all week - instead of alternating jogging for a period with walking for a period, today I was going to jog for 20 minutes straight.  I prepared my family that it was going to be tough, that I was going to be exhausted, but I thought I could do it.  The last training session of week 5.

My first nice surprise was that my almost-12 year old (who was recently struggling with motivation, see prior posts) decided he was going to run the 20 minute jog with me.  The last workout he did a 180 degree turnaround and stuck out jogging for both the 8 minute jogs instead of complaining and wimping out after 1 minute like previously.  This morning he said "I'm doing it, too, Mom."  I was so happy.  So we started the 20 and he chimed in "I think I'm gonna do that 5 k with you, too" (having previously announced for the last couple weeks that he would cheer me on, but he wasn't gonna run it with me).  More grins.  My 9 year old was responding well to his brand new inhaler - so it looks like part of his difficulty was that he has exercise-induced asthma (it kicks in just after 3 minutes of jogging).  More grins.  I passed the 10 minute mark (having already lapped my almost-12 year old once - hah!) and realized I felt good.  Came up on the 15 minute mark and realized I was not feeling like I was dying.   I should trust this program by now - each time I've dreaded something and thought I might not be able to handle it, it hasn't been bad!  As we finished our last lap I was getting ready to lap my almost 12-year old for the third time when he saw me coming and picked up the pace.  Oh-no-he-d'int!?!  So I extended my legs and RAN for the last 1/2 lap,  And passed him by a TINY bit.  Sorry sweetie - but now your Momma has got game.   

So I have decided to proudly switch to the "athlete" setting.  It feels right today.  And on that setting, I was happy to see that I now have 29.9% body fat.  That is considered "normal"!  I'm not going to get hung up on reaching the BMI "normal" - so it is welcome news that some calculation out there already has me at "normal" when I'm not done yet.  I imagine that even if I don't lose a lot more weight, I will lose more fat/ gain more muscle.  In my head I heard Olympic Theme this morning, 8 hours before it will be broadcast from London.  I acknowledge proudly, as of today, I am an athlete.

Bariatric Betty has an attitude

It's all in the attitude.  How you interpret what happens around you, when you hear bad news, when you hear about something wonderful that someone has done...  Your personal take on everything is shaped by your attitude.

I'm praying for all the families and friends of the victims in Aurora, Colorado.  I'm praying for the family of the shooter.  And while I cringe in horror at the unspeakable violence, I give thanks that more didn't die.  It seems amazing to me that with 70 people shot, the fact that the deaths were limited to 12 very loved people is close to miraculous.  I think about the girl who wasn't injured but stayed in the theater instead of escaping so she could keep pressure on the neck wound of her friend, or the boy who died shielding his girlfriend and I find inspiration.

Does this mean I find the silver lining in everything?  No.  Am I always positive?  Definitely not.  But I try to make a concious choice to react in a positive way as much as I can. 

This morning I was getting ready for couch-2-5-k training, getting ready to finally start week 5 after delaying it in hopes that my sons would catch up.  The thought of jogging 3 5minute 1/2 miles with 3 minute walks in between was stressing me out a bit, and I was nervous on how I would handle it.  I had told the kids that they should jog as long as they could and then walk for a while.  Before we even left for the rec center, my almost 12 year old was complaining.  "I hate training."  "I REALLY hate training days."  "I don't want to train."  "Training is boring."  "It's too hot and humid to train." This last one was funny given that we train inside on an air conditioned track.

Attitude.  You know - I can handle the kids not being able to jog as much as me.  It's disappointing, and I wanted them to be able to run my first race with me, but I'll get over it.  It's more important that they are being active and healthy.  But the attitude...


I repeatedly said "I understand that's how you're feeling, but we're still going.  Please stop complaining."  When we got there, the complaints turned to "Can I do it on the treadmill?  This is so boring.  At least there I can watch TV."  No, start walking the 5 minute warm up.  Immediately he started walking slower and fell behind my 9 year old and I.  I never saw him jog.  He says he did "for a little" before his leg started to hurt. 

I got so frustrated that after I lapped him three time while he was complaining I just tuned him out for the rest of the workout.  When I finished and was tired and sweaty he started making excuses while simultaneously complaining some more.  I told him I didn't want to hear it.  That I would talk to him later, but that if I talked to him right now I was going to yell at him, and I didn't want to yell at him.

How do kids learn that it is the hardest things that bring the most satisfaction when you accomplish your goal?  How do they learn to stick it out, to push themselves, and to not be afraid to fail?  I can tell them to do stuff, I can show them by example, I can cheer them on and express disappointment or give them consequences if they bail.  But how do you get them to start making that choice to endure, to grow, and to surpass themselves?  Whatever the key is, I haven't found it yet. 

I'm going to try to talk to him about it shortly, now that I've had a shower and lunch.  He has dreams that on various days include the NFL, being a computer game designer, a chef, and a police officer.  No matter what your dreams are, to succeed in life you have to keep going when you're bored, or frustrated, or unhappy.  He did Tai Kwan Do for 5 years and earned his black belt when he was 9.  That was when we could drag him to practices and tell him that he HAD to do his best, and he would.  That last year as he tested and prepared for his black belt I thought he got it.  At least for Tai Kwan Do.  I hoped that would carry over into the rest of his life.

I don't need either of my kids to be gold medalists, millionaires, or elected to an office to feel I've succeeded as a parent.  I need them to be able to take care of themselves, work hard, do their best and be able to feel proud of their accomplishments without needing external rewards.  There's a lot of room to grow here.
Since we left the rec he has been making an effort to be helpful and respectful.  He knows he's in trouble.  I hope I can impart more wisdom than anger.  And then he will be helping me with chores for the rest of the day.  After making my morning harder than it needs to be, he can help make my afternoon and evening easier. 

Bariatric Betty says "no" to brunch, and rape jokes

This last weekend my parents invited us to join them for brunch at their independent living facility.  They reassured me that scrambled eggs would be available, and that the kitchen staff would be happy to prepare an omlet or a veggie patty for me.  They did everything they could to make sure I would be set as a vegetarian post-WLS person that they love.  And it was not fun.  Beyond not fun, I would say that the morning of going there I realized I felt like I was about to do my taxes.  In front of an audience. 

I got irritable that morning, and it only grew when I got an email from my mom letting the whole extended family know that she was going to have my dad take a family picture while we were all there.  Great.  So now I'm hoping I don't get anything stuck in my pouch and have to puke in front of everyone, don't have dumping that leads to explosive diarrhea in front of everyone, and no matter what happens I should plan on being photographed.  I don't know what I would look like in a photo after dumping, and I don't want to find out. 

Before we left I told my husband "This is going to be the last time I accept an invite to go out there for a meal."  Given that he had been sensing my stress and irritability with the situation all morning, it is understandable that his response was "Thank you!" 

I made it though brunch without having to make a run for the bathroom, although there were a couple minutes when it was willpower (go down, dry eggs, go DOWN).  And I looked fine for the picture.  Then I talked to my parents about it and explained that I don't want to make plans to see them or anyone else around meals when it's avoidable.  If it's a matter of me spending a whole day with someone, then obviously I am going to eat with them.  But if it's about spending a few hours together, let's plan BETWEEN meals if we can.  Meals aren't fun social situations for me anymore.  In the best of circumstances they are a time I'm trying to do something I need to do and hope I do it well and don't make myself sick.  On a poorer mental health days they are a time I might feel judged, anxious, tempted, and/ or self-concious. 

My parents took this very well, and understood I didn't want to avoid them or think their brunch/ dining room was bad.  They even suggested we could try doing something less meal-oriented for Christmas/ Hanukkah (I think we'll probably have a serve-yourself buffet in the kitchen instead of a sit-down dinner this year) and Thanksgiving (that one I don't see myself changing).  I don't want to deny my kids or husband chances to have great experiences with family and friends (or myself, for that matter), but having those experiences with me as a stress case definitely lowers if not wipes out the net gain. 

So now on to a more volatile subject.  Rape jokes.  For the past few days I have been reading on www.cnn.com about fallout from a comedian who likes to make vulgar and misogynistic jokes about women.  Apparently he was doing a show and make a joke about someone being raped and when a woman from the audience spoke up and said "That's not funny".  He responded by then making jokes about how funny it would be for multiple men to rape that woman, right then. 

Yesterday I was reading an article written by two women who were talking about why some people are able to find these situations humorous.  They talked about how it is partially because of the perpetuated myth of rape victims "bringing it on themselves" - by how they dressed, by getting drunk, by being in a bad neighborhood, by being alone with someone... That even well-meaning police officers and public officials may inadvertantly contribute to this when they are warning of a serial attacker in a neighborhood and say "Women are advised not to wear tight or revealing clothing, be walking alone..." etc.   That to some men, they twist these words of advice into a judgement that says "if you wear tight or revealing clothing, or walk alone, you are willing to put yourself at risk of being raped".  Never mind that I would be willing to bet that most rape victims aren't wearing tight or revealing clothing at the time of their attack. That some are in fact wearing burqas.  Or onesies.

This concept, of somehow being a willing rape victim, is insane.  Some women will dress in revealing clothing, go out, and look to hook up and have sex.  That is completely UNRELATED to someone wanting to be raped.  Rape is not about sex, it is about violence.  Men who rape are not enjoying sex, they are enjoying hurting someone.  In my opinion, they are less than men because they have lost their humanity.  They are simply violent male mammals.  But people who find rape jokes funny turn this around - they see the women as less than human, as female mammals that can be used to bring them pleasure.  They don't see them as daughters, mothers, sisters and grandmothers. 

Current statistics say that 1 in 6 women in the United States have been attacked.  So this comic probably knows several.  I don't want to challenge him (or even write his name and give him any more audience than he already has).  I would like to challenge the women around him, and everywhere.  If you have been attacked and you are emotionally able to do this - tell the men in your life what that did to you.  The physical pain.  The shattering of your concept of being safe.  The fear that prevented you from having healthy relationship with men for however long.  The fear that may have caused you to be unhealthy - maybe like me you ate yourself into a cocoon that you felt would keep an attacker from picking you (again).  If enough of us share the reality of being attacked, more men will understand there is no humor in it.  Maybe even that comic.

In this train of thought I made a specific choice today.  I usually wear loose fitting tops, partially because most of my clothes are too big at this point, partially because I don't like my chest being defined most of the time.  And hiding my muffin top as well.  :)  But part of the not liking my chest being defined is because of not wanting to be sexualized, or for some twisted person to identify me as a potential target.  Today I thought "I can wear a top that shows my shape and not be a target, so I will."  When I walked my dog two miles around my neighborhood this morning I didn't have makeup on or look super-attractive, but I wore a top that FIT.  And I wasn't scared.  Here's a picture:

Bariatric Betty fights habit & head hunger, stands up for Wendy

Last night I realized that my eating has taken a turn for the worse.  Since I returned from my low-activity vacation I realized that my calorie intake when I'm high-activity has probably been a little low.  So, I've made an effort to make sure that at almost 5 months post op I'm hitting at least 1000 calories every day, some days 1100 - 1200.  That's fine.  What isn't fine is that I was getting in those extra 150 - 200 calories at night (around 8pm).  And that's falling back into a bad habit. 

Last night I had eaten well all day, even having an afternoon snack.  I had a healthy dinner, and then two hours later ate 1/2 cup of low-fat ricotta with truvia, torani sugar free vanilla syrup, and rasberries.  Not a bad choice if I needed a snack.  But I didn't need it.  I WANTED it.  And to reinforce that point, as I ate my last two bites my pouch decided to let me know that it was NOT HAPPY. 

I cuddled with my son and my dog and felt bad over my upset stomach while I realized what I had done.  I had a Quest protein bar for a snack at the pool in the afternoon, so I didn't need more protein or more calories.  I ate something because it tasted good and my head hunger tricked me. 

I announced to my husband and kids that I overate, and resolved to blog about as well for accountability.  Tonight I will not eat again after dinner.  Today will be a better day.

I also had a VERY interesting conversation with my sons this week.  They were watching an ad for Wendy's. OK, I just had to check to see if they have Wendy's in Canada/ outside the U.S. - and while they do have a few, for those of you who aren't familiar with it;  Wendy's is a fast food/ hamburger restaurant that was founded by a funny, persistant, and driven overweight man named Dave Thomas.  He named the restaurant after his young daughter, Wendy and made a picture of her in braids their logo.  Dave passed several years ago, and recently Wendy has started showing up in the newer ads.  Wendy is middle-aged now, and overweight.  So my boys were watching TV and saw an ad come on for Wendy's.  Their commentary went something like this:

"Wow, Wendy doesn't look like Wendy (the logo)"
"Wendy ate too much Wendy's"
"Wendy only looked like Wendy (the logo) before her dad named the restaurant after her"
"Wendy's (the person) Dad shouldn't have made unhealthy food at Wendy's (the restaurant)"
"Wendy has not done it, you know... she hasn't gone to the hospital to take care of it and so now she's stuck like that."

This last comment was from my 9 year old, referring to his belief that Wendy needs to get gastric bypass. 

This was all a little upsetting to me.  As a morbidly obese person, I was judged by others and heard harsh comments and jokes made about me.  My sons are both overweight, and although their activity level has increased and their BMI is going down, they have both had other kids tell them that they're "fat".  While I don't feel like they were trying to make a mean-spirited joke about Wendy's weight, I was very surprised that they would think that a stranger's weight was anything they should be passing judgement on, as well as the fact that my younger son apparently thinks that gastric bypass is a simple fix that anyone overweight should do. 

So I engaged them.  I started by asking them "Why do you think people are overweight?" (Ate too much food, ate unhealthy food, didn't exercise enough... fair enough answers) and then ended up explaining that while those are most of the reasons people become overweight, there are LOTS of reasons why people STAY overweight.  I reminded them that I needed to figure out that part of the reason I had been obese most of my adult life was because I felt safer that way because I thought I was less likely to be attacked (again). I finally realized that my weight wasn't protecting me at all, it was just hurting me.  Until people figure out why they are doing what they are doing, they will have a very hard time trying to change it.  We can not possibly know what anyone else's reasons are for being overweight, but we shouldn't assume that bariatric surgery will work for everyone, because it won't.   They weren't very comfortable during this discussion (neither was I) and I don't have a problem with that.  Because they were judging Wendy, and now that they got called on it, I hope they remember that discomfort the next time they think about judging someone else.